How to avoid triggering someone with BPD?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DIL who has a diagnosis of BPD lives with me and has done for the last 13 years.

There doesn't seem to be anything I can say or do that doesn't cause her to get extremely angry and upset. My son is in a similar position to me. He uses the strategy of simply ignoring her meltdowns and physically getting away from her until she becomes stable again. The trouble is, this is my home and I don't have anywhere else to go.

I do try to ignore my DIL when she has one of her screaming/shouting/sobbing fits but in the past they have resulted in the police being called and my son threatened with being arrested, and the possibility of that happening again makes me extremely anxious.

I also feel badly hurt when she verbally abuses me and my son since it was me who took her in when her own parents chucked her out at the age of 15 and I have housed her and  financially supported her ever since. We both care about her and want to help her but I'm 64 now and don't feel I can cope with the situation much longer. 

Advice on strategies to avoid provoking her meltdowns and/or minimising the hurt to myself and my son would be greatly appreciated.

[Friensha]

My DIL who has a diagnosis of BPD lives with me and has done for the last 13 years.

There doesn't seem to be anything I can say or do that doesn't cause her to get extremely angry and upset. My son is in a similar position to me. He uses the strategy of simply ignoring her meltdowns and physically getting away from her until she becomes stable again. The trouble is, this is my home and I don't have anywhere else to go.

I do try to ignore my DIL when she has one of her screaming/shouting/sobbing fits but in the past they have resulted in the police being called and my son threatened with being arrested, and the possibility of that happening again makes me extremely anxious.

I also feel badly hurt when she verbally abuses me and my son since it was me who took her in when her own parents chucked her out at the age of 15 and I have housed her and  financially supported her ever since. We both care about her and want to help her but I'm 64 now and don't feel I can cope with the situation much longer. 

Advice on strategies to avoid provoking her meltdowns and/or minimising the hurt to myself and my son would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Friensha
Welcome to bpdfamily.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with emotional roller coaster that is BPD.
I know first hand, and understand exactly what you are going through. My own DD who is 33 has BPD and lives with me.
I think you should start with the TOOLS and LESSONS on the right side of this message board. They have helped me in more ways than I count. They will help you learn a better way of communicating with DIL.
a key thing for me was learning to respond, but not react to my DD. A BPD looks for the reaction and any sign of negativity. I have learned to validate the valid, and to respond using SET( support, empathy , Truth ). I have learned to never JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain )
Once you learn these things, practice them everyday, in every conversation with everybody, this helps it to become a natural way to communicate, and will save you from any undo drama.
It does work every time, and it takes time to get good at using the skills, but stay focused.
We are here for you, we have all been or still are in situations much like yours. We understand.
Take care of yourself, because self care is crucial, and please keep posting.