It's Actually Over

[Nerd_Dad]

So here it is. I've posted on these boards some last year after my BPD wife's threats she was leaving, and after me not showing enough self-respect to let it happen. But this time it actually happened.

Last fall she told me she didn't want to be "accountable to me" anymore and tried to set us up being roommates after two kids and thirteen years of marriage. After I refused that proposal, we did as we had in the past, gravitated back together. Or so I thought. Our couple of months together during the winter ended up getting her a new phone, new car, new bed, and nearly a new house. After she got all her new, she broke it to me that she no longer loved me and couldn't be in this relationship anymore.

It destroyed me, even after the games, lies, cheating, and everything else I had been put through; losing her was absolutely brutal. I tried to plead with therapy, time, and anything else I could think of but I finally respected her wishes and actually moved out.

Now here I am acting surprised to all the happenings that I read and was told would happen when a BPD relationship ends. She had already lined up her next man, and actually was courting him while we were still together. She chose to end our marriage, but now blames me for abandoning her and our two kids. She does whatever she can to get attention from me when I stop showing it to her and act as if I'm moving on.

It's been nearly three months now, and I finally told her I wanted to make this divorce official. I hate where my life is now, but I know what I was being put through was worse, especially when I found out she was cheating once again and that entire winter together was just using me.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I feel like I'm weighing my friends down with discussions regarding it. It's taking a considerable amount of effort for me to learn what I need to do to better my life and to quit giving her control. I know I was far from perfect in the relationship and to a level even became codependent. Learning to get past that is rough.

I thought I'd share it here, just to share, but also if anybody had any advice or thoughts on the situation.

13 years was an amazing run for somebody with BPD but I had still hoped it would last forever. I guess it wasn't meant to be. I have two amazing children out of the relationship though, and I live just down the road so I can see them every day.

I don't know how it's going to work financially, I don't know how I'm going to finally get over her, and I don't know how I'm going to adjust to not having my kids here every night. But I guess I have no other choice.

Thanks for listening (aka reading). I appreciate the support I have received on this board in the past and know that it will be here again.

[Sadly]

Hello ND
I am so sorry, at least here you are with those who have all served time with variations on your theme and one constant denominator.
One thing to take heart from, your finances will get sorted, you will settle into a routine and you and your children will still love and enjoy each other and best of all, hard tho it will be for a while, you are the first step on your way to a brighter, happier new beginning.
Love from
Sadly x

[UnforgivenII]

After she got all her new, she broke it to me that she no longer loved me and couldn't be in this relationship anymore.


She had already lined up her next man, and actually was courting him while we were still together. She chose to end our marriage, but now blames me for abandoning her and our two kids. She does whatever she can to get attention from me when I stop showing it to her and act as if I'm moving on.


My advice is: never forget the above. Never

[wellwellwell]

Oh, I remember the 'I want us to be roommates' conversation. I thought I was the only one who had to work out an answer to that. I'm sorry. There's a point when the fog starts to clear. The stickied material at the top of this forum is really helpful. Relevant to you (and me) - it's an abandonment, not a breakup. Depersonalising it really helps - that's where this forum is so useful. If the same things happen to so many people, it stops being about the individual (you or her). You've made it this far. Once you start to properly detach, you'll feel the resilience that kept you going for the last 13 years, and you'll be able to use it to support you and your children.

[Breathe066]

I am separated from my BPD husband. We had a whirlwind romance and now it appears we are having a whirlwind divorce. He left so many times and I begged him to come back every time. My marriage has been a nightmare, a brutally emotionally and verbally abusive nightmare and yet, to my shame, I still find myself missing him. I am the queen of codependency.
Recently, when there had been no communication for a day or two, he sent me an email wanting to know why, while we were still under the same roof, I had become reluctant to talk. He claimed I had been evasive.
The truth was, any and every conversation was a minefield. The most innocuous comment could trigger him to explode and leave, threatening divorce. I was terrified of him when he had these rages. He was terrifying.
I thought about using SET to respond to this email, even though, frankly, I'm not very good with it. Then I decided to tell him the unadorned truth in the most neutral terms possible. While we were together, this would not have been possible. Admitting that his behavior scared me usually resulted in some kind of punishment.
I told him that I had become more and more wary of conversation and more and more emotionally bruised because of his repeated blow-ups and abandonment.
I didn't know what to expect.
His response was straight out of the BPD textbook: He accused me of lying. He had asked me why, I had told him (and i had emphasized that my reply was from my perspective) and he said I was lying and needed help.
I was angered by this, but I waited to simmer down and then told him to please take care of himself, be gentle with himself and to remember that I love him. Both emails were completely true. He scared me so much that talking became impossible. I still love him and want him to safe. I am not ashamed of either of those. I am heartbroken and devastated that the man I love has left our home and this time there is little doubt it is finally over. But, I will admit, it is good not have to walk on eggshells anymore, not to have to be careful of how much time I spend at the grocery store or if a number he doesn't recognize pops up on my phone, or if I mention something, anything, or if I fail to mention something and have that mentioning or not mentioning result in a violent brow-beating and humiliating black-painting of me to his workmates.
Some veterans of such relationships tell me that my hell has only begun, that the awfulness doesn't even really get rolling until the separation. I doubt that. I think it does cause him pain to deal with me (we partners tend to become the epicenter of their pain even if there is nothing we want less) and I think being away from me probably does help him in some way. Being away from him has helped me, although there are times of terrible loss and grief that make it hard to see that I'm better off.
Good luck to you. I suspect life will get better for both of us as we reap the wisdom of this heartbreak.