New to the site, old to BPD parenting

[Healing?]

    Just joined yesterday; still trying to do the cut-and-paste-code intro questionnaire. 20 years ago daughter diagnosed  w BPD by John Gunderson. We're several thousand miles from Boston; no good treatment in our country at that time. Treatment at McLean for 3 years; monthly trips for family therapy; weekly phone family therapy; residential half-way, 6hs wk psych, DBT, group, etc . . .(=$1.5M-- we just cleared that debt a couple of years ago)  she graduated Harvard magna cum laude & has held stable relationship 17 years & v. well paid tech job from home until 2 years ago when she became a stay at home Mom. 3 years ago she & husband asked my husband and I to move to their city for the relationship; esp. relationship with grandson, whom I granny-nannied for 8 1/2 months. We left a solid professional practice to do this.
   The 8 1/2 months 8 - 10 hrs a day filled every checkbox for workplace bullying and emotional abuse. She then decided to quit her job and be full time Mom. I supported either choice; on thawing out, I filled many checkboxes for complex PTSD for almost a year (shakes, hyperalert, nightmares, hallucinations, unable to focus or think, complete lack of self-efficacy across most domains, etc.). I went from being a six-figure competent professional running a business, respected in my professional and academic community, to not having the confidence to make business development initiatives or organize the unpacking, financial management.
   For a year after no longer being granny nanny, twice weekly dinners were a chance to subject me to sarcasm, eyerolling, and sneers. Twice weekly outings with grandson were a joy. This summer three quarters of these interactions were reduced because she couldn't stand the stress of our dinners. Splitting: her husband had been a positive in triangulation; she has sufficiently twisted (we have a phrase that my counselor likes but I don't know the language etiquette on this site) that he now no longer likes or respects us. Teachers, housemothers, since grade 6 have complained to me about her splitting her friends off one by one, until she has an exclusive relationship.
   Down to trying to survive on very limited income, husband with end-stage kidney failure, all former social supports several thousand miles away.
   Am healing through brief counselling mindfulness med; DBT; looking at ACT. Read tons over the years; Schema, polyvagal, mentalizztion theories etc. She's trying so hard; I think my very presence is a trigger for her. On the rec. of her husband she offered, then reneged to go for communications counselling.
   I'm broke, scared, not earning anything, behind, bereft of my former professional, social, and academic networks, not unpacked after being here three years. From happy person helping others to shredded baggage. Intend to continue healing and see how I can support her and survive.  Maybe being her hatebag is the best help I can be.
   Thank you for the vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lookingonup]

I'm new to this site. For a while now, I have believed my child to be bipolar, now I wonder if she may also be borderline. My therapist and husband agree that she may be. Life has been really hard the past couple of years. Medication has helped with her bipolar depression, but she is still incredibly irritable around me.

I understand how you feel, when you commented that your presence may be a trigger for your daughter. I feel very similarly. My daughter, 16, has moved in with my mother because my husband kicked her out after the frequent screaming sessions in her room when mad, which then escalated. I have been coping with not being able to see her often, and then her loving me and hating me when I see her. It is all very emotionally draining on me. I haven't yet figured out how to be around her, when it seems as though everything I do and say is wrong. Hang in there, I am hoping we can get some good support and help from this site.

[Lollypop]

Hi there healing and lookingonup

I give you both a warm welcome to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles with your adult children. BPD is devastating to families and completely exhausting.

My BPDs is 26 and returned home at 24 following a crisis and a diagnosis. It came as a relief, an explanation of why he behaved the way he did. The dx for him was a scary prospect and he's only now ready to seek treatment. He uses unprescribed diazepam to sleep and MJ as self medication; to ease his pain as he struggles through normal day life.

I encourage you to re-inform yourself about BPD by taking a look at the top right hand bars on this page. I found that by improving my understanding I just don't react to him the same. I'd made myself ill, too absorbed in my drive to fix and this isn't a balanced or healthy way to live. I was so emotional myself and deeply unhappy. I couldn't say or do anything right, in fact everything I did made things worse.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I started to focus on the core, our relationship with better communication and validation skills. I've learnt a way to have a better relationship, despite the problems. Things are a lot lot better.

I'm glad you're here and hope that you find a way forwards on this forum. It's been my life saviour and has helped me inch forwards step by step. I've learnt how to take care of myself with better boundaries and limits.

You are not alone and this is a safe place to vent.

Healing: it sounds like your coping but only just and given all that you're going through it's perfectly understandable. do you have any support for your ptsd?

Looking up: it's such a relief to get some space, a good period to regatheri some strength. is your daughter in treatment and how is she with your mum?

I'm sending a big hug to you both. I look forward to reading your posts.

Gently forwards

LP