Does black-and-white thinking make them unable to negotiate?

[flourdust]

I've been trying to divorce my dBPDw for 10 months. As this process has dragged on, I've noticed that she refuses to negotiate... .anything.

Here's a recent example: she asked me if she could have an extra day with our D11. I offered to swap that day for a different day, a one-to-one exchange. She flatly replied (through her attorney!) that those days were completely unrelated and reiterated her demand.

This has been a consistent pattern. Whenever I propose any kind of trade, even if they are clearly win-win swaps, she refuses to negotiate. If she approaches me for something, it comes in the form of a demand, with no offer of anything in exchange.

As for the divorce terms themselves, it's been the same. I've been the one to come up with proposals for custody and property division. She has simply refused to respond other than to deny my proposals entirely. I've tried to break it into smaller chunks and ask her to look at the holiday schedule or allocation of household goods. I get nothing back but silence.

This has me frustrated and absolutely baffled. How can I negotiate with someone who won't engage? I feel that she wants her attorney and the judge to just magically make everything better for her ... .but if she won't even respond with what she wants, what is she going to get?

[david]

My ex could not negotiate with me either. Once we attained a rock solid custody order (which was written by me) things got better since I could quote the order. My ex, I believe, needs an authority figure to tell her what to do. She doesn't view me as an authority, is too emotional to handle negotiations with me, or simply can't stand the idea of any idea of mine being right. They are the three big ideas I came up with. I stopped trying to figure it out and simply realize I have to deal with things in a different way. I parallel parent because of that.

[ForeverDad]

This is why mediation, settlement conferences, settlements, negotiations and counter offers fail so often.  PwBPD (and with other acting-out PDs) see themselves as the one in control or are desperate to hold control.  As david noted, they don't see us as having any authority.  We are a past relationship and ended relationships are often seen as abusive and to be despised and blacklisted.

However, we have an Ace up our sleeves.  If we can proactively work toward addressing this in court, generally court orders are better - less unfair - than any crumbs our ex would toss our way.  You see, court is The Real Authority.  Yes it is glacially slow to take action and often reluctant to make drastic improvements, but it's better than the alternative.

This current issue is where boundaries come in.  For example, your boundary can be "if you want some of my parenting time then a trade is how it will happen."  She can fuss, fume, demand, even involve her lawyer, but unless the parenting order says she can do as she wishes then she has has to follow the parenting schedule.  The only standard exceptions to the schedule are holidays, children's birthdays and vacations.  Additional time is at the discretion of the other parent and usually that means written trade agreements.

I recall having failed trades early in my separation.  First mistake was not getting them in writing, she only wanted phone calls and so of course she felt entitled to rewrite or erase that history afterward.  Second mistake was not getting the first half of the trade, if she got what she wanted first then she'd just ignore my traded time.  After a few years that was less of an issue as she settled into the post-divorce reality.