Thank you, patientandclear. You do indeed sound like you live up to your name! Good job getting out of your r/s and for getting back on track with your daughter. This requires huge commitment on your part. Especially, as you say, when anger and blame are expressed.
This is the piece of the whole BPD experience that most makes me wish I had not met him. I didn't have the skills to manage it in a way that it didn't crack me and therefore her.
Yes, you hit the nail on the head: these r/s's affect our children... .crack them b/c they crack us. My kids never even met my ex and yet were horribly affected, my daughter most of all. My son left for college a few months before I went NC which was when the stalking began. My daughter was here all alone, already grieving the loss of her brother, and then getting this messed-up BPD stalking situation thrown in her lap. All alone. If she could have gone through it with her brother that would have been better for her. Well, of course, not going through it would have been better.
Before the stalking she walked to/from school with her friends. He threatened to show up at her rehearsal one night so I quit letting her walk. Which completely interfered with her friendships. I didn't trust some of the parents to handle it well so suggested she not mention to them too much. I may have been right about some of them (one in particular) though I'll never know for sure. But this left her feeling even more isolated.
Then, the friends that she did tell didn't get it. Of course, they didn't get it. They were 14. I hardly got it and I was living it and was 48 years old. I had a friend who had been stalked by her ex many years ago. I apologized to her for not getting it back then. I had no idea how crazy and twisted it is. Gavin de Becker likens it to prolonged date rape (I may be misquoting but that is the gist). So it was like my daughter TOO was being subjected to prolonged date rape. Because, like me, she too had to worry about his presence every day. She had to make sudden trips to my mother's when he was particularly ramped up. She wasn't safe to walk home anymore. She too had to live inside a house with the blinds shut and on lock down month after month. We hadn't had an alarm system nor did we even have blinds on the windows. We often didn't lock the door. Or if we did just left a key under the mat. We went from that "too chill" attitude about safety to being on lock down.
This is really f*cked up to think this, realize this in this way, never said it quite like this bfore: "that she too was subjected to prolonged date rape." SH*T.
This is hard to even write. Holy Toledo. No wonder she's been traumatized.
The shoplifting probably isn't exclusively the result of my ex. As I said, her brother went off to school leaving her alone with me while we were stalked. Also, at that same time, our nanny who was the one person who actually tended to me, moved back to S America. It was a lot of serious loss all at once.
And yes, all of that impacted my ability to be my best self with her. I certainly was trying. Trying so very hard. But there is no way that I too wasn't compromised.
She has spent today sleeping and in bed. She just told me that when I am thinking of punishment there is nothing I can do that is worse than what she went through yesterday and the h*ll she feels in her head right now. I am not actually trying to punish her. But neither am I trying to soothe her.
We've talked about the goal being her not engaging in destructive coping mechanisms to soothe her fear and bad feelings, but those talks have to have a foundation in security and stability, her knowing I'm not about to fall apart, etc.
I think our r/s is pretty secure. And yet it is as you say about her not engaging in destructive coping mechanisms. She signed up for the telephone coaching with NASP (Nat'l Assoc Shoplifting Prevention). She paid for it with her own debit card. Filled out the forms. She needs to do this work. But I am not trying to punish her or make her suffer. I have her phone as there have been too many lies and scheming but not sure how long I will keep it as total isolation from her friends does not serve her or me for that matter.
who urged me to resist the frantic urge to correct everything in a single day and to start at the core, our relationship, and work back out.
YES to resisting the frantic urge to correct everything in a single day. This is so tempting yet both not smart and not even possible. Thank you for this important reminder. Even more importantly for me to remember that the relationship is what is the core. That gives us strength and a container and the place from which to work and the place to return to.
Thank you, patientandclear. I needed you today. Thanks for being here. It is hard know I let in the person who reeked so much HAVOC on our lives. That sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and thank you for reminding me I am not alone.
XOXO
