She is so cruel.

[going places]

My 23 yo daughter who is DBPD, is so cruel.

Lots of emotions.

1. I am so sad; she will not speak to me, and when she does email me it is hideous.
I hate you, go to hades, this is all your fault, don't contact me or I will kill myself, I was the worst mother ever, and on and on. She curses me; just a volcano of rage and hate.
I am sad because she is so lost... .so angry.

2. I want to punch her in the face for being so stupid. She's an alcoholic, anorexic, smokes pot, takes a ton of meds, and pops pills. She has lost custody of her baby, and doesn't care.
Her social media is all about her fun, and drinking, and how much she hates her soon to be ex, and how she meets all these guys on Tinder... .

3. I can see some of her social media, and I do look at it a few times a week, hoping to see that she is coming around, getting it together, etc; NOPE. It's my only way to see my baby, but it's awful, and it breaks my heart and makes me angry.

4. Today, she is with her dad and his brother and wife; they are all drunk. She posts a picture of her with their dog and says "look my new brother". Her ONLY brother, follows her on this social media... .She calls 2 or 3 different boys "her brother" or "my baby brother"... .she and her REAL brother talk, but he will not tolerate her BS and puts her in her place. She cuts him off (weeks to months) then when she needs something, she contacts him.

We had a glass of wine for Christmas, and Easter when the kids were growing up. I come from a long line of alcholics and the ex and his family have ZERO self control, so I never had more wine than just enough for everyone to have A glass.
There was never booze in the house (because the ex has ZERO self control) and because I didn't want my kids to think you have to have booze to have a good time... .

I am so pissed that her own father, knowing what a mess she is, cares so little.
I am so pissed that ALL the adults in her life, know what a mess she is, and just feed her alcohol.

She will end up driving over 2 hours to get home; drunk.

Is this hopeless? Will she ever stop what she is doing and turn around?
I just feel hollow.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

going places,

There is a saying that we are only as happy as our saddest child.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this grief and anger about your DBPD23, and that her own father is enabling bad habits.

I can see why you check her social media posts, wanting to see glimpses of your grand child. I did the same with my son's uBPD father (also alcoholic), hoping to see something, I'm not sure what, since no one seems to post anything "real" on social media. I guess hoping he would clean up his life and be a dad, altho of course he would never communicate that 

I do believe people can and do change, including people with BPD. It is tough to wait it out.

[wendydarling]

Hi goingplaces

I'm sorry for your pain gp. It's so very hard our children we love dearly suffer from emotional disorder, behaviours and choices. A disorder they never asked for causes them pain and suffering.

Your DD has recently been diagnosed BPD, a good step forward for her gaining help and treatment if she is able to accept her diagnosis at this point in her journey and put in the work to help herself if she is ready. If she's not ready it's a tough wait as LnL says, I also believe people can and do change, my DD is making good progress.

This is really tough for you, what do you do for self care?  Have you considered counselling with a BPD specialist to help you work through this?

WDx

[going places]

I wouldn't know where to find someone to help me thru the BPD daughter that will not speak to me?

My oldest daughter spent time with DwBPD yesterday.
Her dad, is moving 7 hours away.

DwBPD told my oldest that "he asked for her blessing and said he would not leave if she didn't want him too".

My oldest and I know, KNOW this is a complete and total lie.

What REALLY happened is he blind-sided my DwBPD with the news within the last week, and is leaving next week. I AM SO GLAD he is moving 7 hours away, as he is the monster that started all this... .

I know she has abandonment issues w/ men.
First, 2011, her dad looked her and her sister in the eye when DwBPD was 17 and oldest was almost 21 and said "I would rather have sex with this other woman than be a father and husband, and if I pretended that wasn't true, I would just do this again in 2 years".

Her dad came home, promised to make it work, but was still seeing the other woman and was cruel to me and distant to the girls. It would take pages to tell you the horrid things he did.

Second,2012 her 'first love' (who was SO MUCH like her dad, in behavior) dumped her via text, while she was out shopping with friends. She was 19. Her friend told me that DwBPD fell on the floor in the dressing room curled up and in ball and just wailed... .she was inconsolable.

She joined the Marines. Was on the Island for 5 months before she was medically discharged.
The extreme environment she was in was overwhelming.
This is where she was introduced to same sex relationships... .which further confused her.

She came home, connected again with the boy that broke her heart, claiming he was "different".
2013, he dumped her again, after stealing her virginity.

Third, 2014 her dad left this time for good. She refused to speak to him. She was furious.

2015 she and I had a HUGE blow out, and I told her to go live with her dad.
She promised she would move to Florida with me, then after I secured housing, she "picked a fight" so that we would have a knock down drag out, so she could say "I'm not going".
(One of her father's favorite tricks he pulled on me his whole life)
*I* was struggling w/ undiagnosed MDD, Anxiety and PTSD... .so she and I were like a moltov cocktail.
EVERY SINGLE DAY for 6 months I asked all 3 kids if it was ok that I moved. That is they felt like I was abandoning them, or ditching them and they want me to stay, I would.
ALL 3 said "GO MOM".

2015 she moved in w/ her dad.
His gf was barely 27, and he was 46.
DwBPD was replaced, no longer daddy's girl.
He was never home, and she has ZERO supervision.
This is when the extreme behavior began; drinking, drugs, tattoos, sleeping around, etc.
1rst trip to the psych ward.

HE THEN moved out of the house, to his gf's apartment, where my DwBPD was not invited.
SO her dad, ditched her, again... .

She got married Dec 2015 because she was pregnant, and her dad took her off his insurance and told her that she could stay, but she could not bring the baby back to his house.
She married a guy she knew for 4 months.

HE IS A MONSTER.
He had her go live with his parents, 3 hours away from him, so she could 'learn how to be a wife".
All the while he was having an affair.
2nd trip to the psych ward.
She had the baby Aug 2016... .they lived together (her and her husband) for less than a month, when he said he's having an affair, and moving in with his gf.
ANOTHER MAN ABANDONED HER FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

March 2017 she put a gun in her mouth, he hit her so hard, he knocked her out, walked over her, got the baby, and left, while she was unconscience next to a gun.
Went home, then called the police.
3rd trip to the psych ward.
While in there, he had a sheriff deliver her divorce papers.
She had court the day after she was released, lost custody of her baby.

His gf does not want anything to do with the baby, so he has his mother, who lives 3 hours away from my DwBPD, raising her. My DwBPD sees her own child, on Saturday's only.

NOW her dad, is moving 7 hours away with his 29 year old gf (he is 48).

Somehow she thinks he's this great dad, great guy, etc... .I don't get it?

But she blames all of the above, on me.
Pull out all the men, insert my name, and this is what she tells everyone.
I don't understand.
I am the one that has ALWAYS stood by her, ALWAYS had patience with her, her whole life.
I don't understand.

[Lollypop]

Hi there going places

I'm just so sorry you're having to go through all this. It's just exhausting watching our kids behaviours and make bad choices. I can hear and feel your pain.

Is this hopeless? Will she ever stop what she is doing and turn around?

It isn't hopeless but sadly there are no quick fixes with BPD. Until your daughter gets very uncomfortable with her situation she won't have the motivation to change. My BPDs26 has caused me years of pain and our relationship broke down because of the way I reacted to him.

I finally realised he needed me to stop reacting to him, he needed me to be calm. He needed me to stop telling him what to do.

I changed myself.  He warmed up to me and we've got a healthier relationship, despite his problems.

I encourage you to learn about BPD. Take a look at the top right hand side of this page. If you find you can't take in the text right now (because you're so upset) then watch the videos, as many as you can.

I think your daughter has just been diagnosed. This must be very scary for her. It was for my BPDs and it took him a long while for it to sink in. It's been 16 months and he's only just realising that he needs professional help.

I don't understand.
I am the one that has ALWAYS stood by her, ALWAYS had patience with her, her whole life.

I encourage you to learn about BPD. This will help you understand and not react.

Your daughter can't help the way she behaves. You can't change her, you can only change the way you react to her.

There are many things available to you here that will help you. It's one step at a time though.

Your daughter is refusing to speak to you right now because she's struggling to cope. Take this time to calm yourself, look after yourself and arm yourself with a toolkit you're going to need.

LP