Recycle. Go underwater. Good idea?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Every year we have hundreds of members recycle back into a troubled relationship. They disappear and then resurface some time later to tell the story.

I am writing to encourage anyone the goes back to try again to keep posting here. If you just go back in and do pickup where you left off you will most likely end up in the same place - hence the word "recycle".

If you are going to recycle (and 92% of us do), go back and do it differently. If things don't change, the result will be the same.

We have lots of tools and self-care and helpful members on the Saving, Conflicted, Improving boards that can help you with values, perspective, situation strategies, etc.

When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan.

Open for comments 

[Skip]

Every year we have hundreds of members recycle back into a troubled relationship. They disappear and then resurface some time later to tell the story.

I am writing to encourage anyone the goes back to try again to keep posting here. If you just go back in and do pickup where you left off you will most likely end up in the same place - hence the word "recycle".

If you are going to recycle (and 92% of us do), go back and do it differently. If things don't change, the result will be the same.

We have lots of tools and self-care and helpful members on the Saving, Conflicted, Improving boards that can help you with values, perspective, situation strategies, etc.

When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan.

Open for comments 

[Skip]

Seventy-two (72%) of relationships do not end at the first or second break-up.
Survey of 650 members... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

[VitaminC]

I would like to add my encouragement as well to members to keep posting, should a recycle happen. This is "Recycle Season", folks. Christmas and New Year's is emotionally loaded and many of us feel weakened and might become nostalgic or too full of Christmas Spirit or something like that   and next thing you know... .  Happens to the best of us.

It happened to me last Christmas and in shame I disappeared from the site. Had I kept posting and describing the facts of what was actually going on in the relationship, I am sure that other members would have pointed out some obvious things to me that I was just missing due to my heightened state. I've often thought this when reading other member's posts who slip back and keep writing; that it's brave and very sensible to do so.

"When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan."

These are very important words to engrave on our minds.

[Hlinthewiking]

I have recycled 2 times, I'm coming out of the second recycle, she's currently giving me the ST, I think we are done again, even if she talks to me, we'v reached a point of disrespect and violence that I don't believe it's possible to maintain.

Last recycle I'v gathered everything I could from this website and from it's members, I decided to try again because she surprised me by acknowledging that she had an issue and that she needed therapy. I told her I wouldn't officialize our relationship until she started treatment, she didn't in 2 months and says she will but not now. At the beginning I kept a very short leash on what kind of behavior I considered acceptable, but that changed slowly the more I left myself give in to how much I love her and how much I find her attractive.

There was no peace period, abuse started in less then 24h after we saw each other, it started light and slowly and kept getting worse, as in first she would say bad things to me, make me feel bad, but not physically abuse me or say something harsher. Her demands were that she wanted participate in my life and she didn't want to be in this relationship since I didn't want to label us boyfriend and girlfriend until she started getting treatment, despite monogamy being here and everything being the same as before and she also wanted me to participate in her family and events and she said she wanted to participate in mine, I doubt it. At the same time, the abuse went to a point where she was hitting me so hard I would get bruises and hurt for days, push me down the stairs, pull my hair and beard, kick me, bite me, scratch me. She had no control and I cannot have her like this around my family.

I had an uncle that had a birthday during this and it was a big party, I could not take her and she hates this events, she said she didn't want to go, but if I had to she would need to go with me, in the end I wasn't able to go, she didn't let me and if I did I cannot imagine how her reaction would be like.

I'm not really sure what to say right now because I love her so much, I don't want to be without her, but she's not really giving me much choice, but what I remember is that I was in much better shape, both emotionally and physically when we were apart, I was still in pain but I was almost ok with it, now I'm going to be in hell again and maybe it will even be worse, I don't know if I'm ready, but after 2 years I don't know if I will ever be, I really love her like I never loved anyone before.

When we started seeing each other again I stopped posting in the forums because I wanted to be positive and being in the forums would be just another thing I would need to hide from her, now it's too late, this is a good topic.

  VitaminC Unfortunately for me it's the time of the year I'm alone, I'v never spent christmas, new years or my birthday with a partner. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, I'm starting to panic each year now.

[Wayno]

"When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan."

These are very important words to engrave on our minds.

I wish I had this website days, weeks months ago.

[VitaminC]

... .what I remember is that I was in much better shape, both emotionally and physically when we were apart, I was still in pain but I was almost ok with it, now I'm going to be in hell again and maybe it will even be worse, I don't know if I'm ready, but after 2 years I don't know if I will ever be, I really love her like I never loved anyone before.

  Dear Hlin, don't give up. Remember that you felt better and believe that you will again. You will. We can never know how much love we are capable of feeling for another or who that other will be. Not really. I understand that feeling, I really truly do.

VitaminC Unfortunately for me it's the time of the year I'm alone, I'v never spent christmas, new years or my birthday with a partner. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, I'm starting to panic each year now.

I know. That's what I mean. Christmas and the holidays around it can be hard for all kinds of reasons.  "Alone" - there are so many ways to be alone. Just earlier today and I found myself composing a message to my ex in which I told him how much more I loved him for every of his foibles he dared to expose to me. I thought about how I could contact him since I've deleted his number and how I would most like to write it in vanishing ink.    That magic stuff I remember reading about as a kid.

I will not send him anything, of course. For all the hundred reasons I've read here on this site. Let my own brain be the vanishing ink.

It's just a few days. Make it special for yourself. You can do that.      Whatever you do do, keep sharing.

[woundedPhoenix]

"When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan."

I spend some time thinking about "going back with a different plan". I don't think that is enough. I would rephrase it to 'going back as a different man'.

Plans are just different strategies executed by the same person, who may be more informed, but still is in it with the same dysfunctional mindsets, inner wounds and unrealistic expectations.

I am convinced a recycle only makes sense if you have been able to trace down and heal all those wounds and false beliefs that you carried with you when you entered the r/s the first time around.

Only then there is a chance that your improved 50% in the relationship might make a difference, on the other hand you have to be totally aware that the other 50% will always be out of your control, and in the hands of someone with very little self-control.

So ultimately it is about self-control then, where your well-intended loving motives and empathy are flanked by strong boundaries, thick skin, the ability to never (over-)react to the dysregulations, and strong enough selfrespect and independance so that you can calmly walk right out when you are confronted with a dealbreaker (and yes, you must list all of those upfront).