I think my wife has BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been married for over 20 years.  My wife would on occasion do things that would make me think twice, but for the most part she would act normal.  Some things probably should have raised a flag, like she would be in the ER or hospital for "Unknown illnesses"  about 5-10 per year.  While in the hospital she would get pain meds.  It got so bad that her primary care physician accused her of being a drug addict.  After that I noticed the hospital visits slowed down and ER visits started happening for self injuries.  1 time she stabbed herself in the stomach and claimed she feel on it.  Another time she slammed her arm in the door and broke it. 

We would get into arguments and she would just shut down.  I never knew anything about invalidating, so I would unknowingly doing this to her.  She would turn everything around onto me and sometimes I would be questioning my own sanity. 

On the financial side of things she will just go spend all of our money on a whim.  Frequently she would go to the casino and pull out thousands and run up all kind of bills.

On the intimacy side we don't have sex often.  Normally a few times per year.  lately we have not hugged nor kissed.

Lately she has been drinking heavily to the point she turns into an absolute monster.  She normally does this at some friends house that we know.  She will hang out there all day long and just get smashed.  I normally have to go get her, but most of the time she just drives home drunk.  Her friend will try to stop her, but nobody can control her and she is very manipulative.  Its an absolute horror to deal with and I asked her friend why she even invites my wife over and she said she doesn't.  My wife will just go over there uninvited and get plastered. 

another thing is its like dealing with 2 different people.  One time my wife was out of town and she was texting a guy friend of ours and said that she did not want to go home and right after that she text me and said that she loved me so much... .etc.  literally jeckle and hyde. 

So many other things that I can say, but I feel like most people that have posted here.  I want to help her but it feels like there is nothing I can do except maybe now stop triggering her by invalidating her. 

[BrianTx]

I have been married for over 20 years.  My wife would on occasion do things that would make me think twice, but for the most part she would act normal.  Some things probably should have raised a flag, like she would be in the ER or hospital for "Unknown illnesses"  about 5-10 per year.  While in the hospital she would get pain meds.  It got so bad that her primary care physician accused her of being a drug addict.  After that I noticed the hospital visits slowed down and ER visits started happening for self injuries.  1 time she stabbed herself in the stomach and claimed she feel on it.  Another time she slammed her arm in the door and broke it. 

We would get into arguments and she would just shut down.  I never knew anything about invalidating, so I would unknowingly doing this to her.  She would turn everything around onto me and sometimes I would be questioning my own sanity. 

On the financial side of things she will just go spend all of our money on a whim.  Frequently she would go to the casino and pull out thousands and run up all kind of bills.

On the intimacy side we don't have sex often.  Normally a few times per year.  lately we have not hugged nor kissed.

Lately she has been drinking heavily to the point she turns into an absolute monster.  She normally does this at some friends house that we know.  She will hang out there all day long and just get smashed.  I normally have to go get her, but most of the time she just drives home drunk.  Her friend will try to stop her, but nobody can control her and she is very manipulative.  Its an absolute horror to deal with and I asked her friend why she even invites my wife over and she said she doesn't.  My wife will just go over there uninvited and get plastered. 

another thing is its like dealing with 2 different people.  One time my wife was out of town and she was texting a guy friend of ours and said that she did not want to go home and right after that she text me and said that she loved me so much... .etc.  literally jeckle and hyde. 

So many other things that I can say, but I feel like most people that have posted here.  I want to help her but it feels like there is nothing I can do except maybe now stop triggering her by invalidating her. 

[BeagleGirl]

BrianTX,

Welcome.  So glad you found this site, but also so sorry you needed to find it.

A lot of what you describe could be in line with BPD, but could also be behaviors of an addict.  It could be both.  Regardless of the root cause, you probably feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster that could come off the tracks at any time.

Saddly, you are correct that you can't do anything to change her behavior and there are no guarantees that you can help her.  I would encourage you to shift your thinking a little bit to what you can do to change your behavior and help yourself.  I found that shift to be the key to moving forward.  It may feel very selfish, especially when your wife's pain is on full display and you fear for her safety.  The mantra I repeat when I feel like I'm a horrible human being for focusing on myself instead of my husband/marriage is "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others".

Are you looking for some practical tips on how to handle the behaviors you described?

BeagleGirl

[BrianTx]

Thanks BeagleGirl.  I really appreciate your feedback.  I am new to this so I am really just reading all these posts and feeling like I can relate.  I am here to learn as much as I can from everyone else's experiences.   I just learned about invalidating and not doing this seems to calm my wife down.  I made a decision to change recently because I realized that the current situation is not sustainable.   Dealing with my wife strangely has made me a better person, I am super sympathetic / empathetic to other people now.  Probably because the pain that I feel from my wife I never would wish on anyone.