sister with BPD

[Jessietoo2]

Hello,
 I moved to Florida from Seattle about 8 months ago to help care for my elderly parents. My sister ( we have never gotten along) also lives with them but they asked for more help because although they own the house she was not helping or even speaking to them.
So I moved into her "territory". Her reaction has been loud, hostile, angry and aggressive and it has not gotten much better in 8 months. I left behind my life and support when I came here to help.
In addition to her almost constant rage she is a pathological liar about any thing you can imagine. She tells stories about family ( our sister stole all the jewelry", friends, work, the past... .anything. If you even gently say " that doesn't seem right to me" she flies into a rage but then moves on to the next lie. She does not appear to have empathy or remorse.
Our mother passed away in February and my sister would not help with her care for my mothers last months. This left my 96 year old father and I to care for my mother. She has a flat affect and no emotion in her voice whatsoever ever.
My dilemna now is should I leave and go home to protect myself from her craziness or try to stay to help my elderly father. I hate to leave him alone with her... .she will not care for him even though he supports her financially. I would appreciate any help or suggestions. I have purchased the "Stop walking on eggshells book and workbook' and that is helping... .
Thank you.

[mEveIn106]

Hi Jessietoo2,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It must be so difficult to be dealing with your sister's issues while grieving your mother's death. My heart goes out to you.

I have a sister with BPD and our mother died 8 years ago. During my mother's last few months of living, my sister became more distant, emotionless, abusive, and to top it off, she was heavily drinking. This left me and my father (who I do not get along with) to care for our dying mother. If you ask my sister now, she would tell you all sorts of stories about how I am a terrible daughter/sister "for letting our mom die!". 

Anyway, after my mother died, I decided to put myself first. Even though I felt bad for my father, I could not live for him or make him happier--I couldn't bring my mother back. I didn't want to be his verbal punching bag anymore either. I cared for my mother for 2.5 years, quitting 2 jobs and taking on the primary care role. I felt I deserved to live my life and build my own career. I was only 24. Of course it's easier said than done, but I continue to try. I have not cut off ties with my family, but I am very close to doing it. I do not feel they contribute to my life in any positive, meaningful or supportive way.

I'm not sure if this response helps you at all, Jessie. But please know that you are not alone. It's important for us to live our own lives instead of living for someone else, even if that is our elderly father or mentally ill sister.

Best of luck to us.

-MeveIn

[Pilpel]

Are there any siblings or close family members that you can consult with, or is it just you and the BPD sister?  How capable is your father at his age?  Have you talked to your dad about what he needs?  How does he feel about being left living alone with his BPD daughter?  He may still have all his physical and mental faculties, but he probably still needs a responsible adult to check in on his welfare.  I think it's easy for us kids to look at our parents as being able to manage their lives just the same way they did when they were 50.  But I wouldn't feel right about just leaving a 96 year old man alone with a BPD person.

If you don't have close family to discuss this with, perhaps you can find some other resources, people that specialize in elder care.  You're in Florida, one of the biggest magnets for retirees.  So there must be more than a few people there who are experienced with issues of elder care and can help you out.  You do need to take care of yourself.  But there may also be some resources available to make sure your dad is protected as well.  Like maybe there are people who can check in on him regularly, and make sure that he isn't being neglected or abused by your sister. 

My parents are getting close to 90.  They're both in pretty good health for their age, though my mom's health has started to fail some in the past year.  I'm dreading dealing with my BPD SIL when my parents' health start to fail or they die.  I don't think my SIL would offer to care for my mom anyways, but I already promised my mom I would never let that happen since SIL has a history of being a bully toward my mom. I've also promised that I won't let her get any of my mom's jewelry --which is a funny situation to be in since I don't care much about jewelry at all.  But I'll hold on to it because I know it pains my mom to think of my SIL getting her way and getting any of it. 

[Panda39]

If you don't have close family to discuss this with, perhaps you can find some other resources, people that specialize in elder care.  You're in Florida, one of the biggest magnets for retirees.  So there must be more than a few people there who are experienced with issues of elder care and can help you out.  You do need to take care of yourself.  But there may also be some resources available to make sure your dad is protected as well.  Like maybe there are people who can check in on him regularly, and make sure that he isn't being neglected or abused by your sister.   

This was my thought too, if you can get some support for your dad, this does not need to fall on your shoulders alone (or at all). I also want to say that you have every right to protect yourself from abuse. 

The other thing I wanted to comment on is the death of your mom in relation to your sister's behaviors.  My SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) lost her mom several years a go and she had a crisis around that time where the "crazy" really escalated.  My SO had no idea about BPD back then, but now knowing about BPD her reaction and your sister's actually makes sense.  At the heart of BPB is the fear of Abandonment and death is the ultimate and permanent abandonment.  This does not make your sister's abusive behavior towards you okay but it does make some of it at least understandable.

I too want to share my condolences on the loss of your mom 

Take Care,
Panda39