Well that was awful...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 3 unanswered phone calls and 52 abusive texts all seems quiet for now on the western front, but I'm still afraid to leave my bunker.

I suppose it would be best to block the number for awhile and not read the texts, but I felt compelled, no matter how hurtful, to watch the process unfold. It started with rage, became almost sad and pathetic, then an honest attempt to figure out "the psychology behind my actions", and then back to anger. The most hurtful highlights involved his son, how many chances he'd had to "___ beautiful women" that he now regrets turning down, and how this relationship was one he never wanted to have - it was apparently all MY idea.

If I am to believe the texts we are broken up at the moment. I want to roll my eyes because although that was stated multiple times, he continued to refer to us as a couple.

At any rate, I don't know how in the hell you ever come back from some of the ___ he said. It's not the first time he has verbally assaulted me,  but to have such a concentrated blitzkrurg all in one place is just making my mind spin. For those who have had this experience - were you ever able to completely move on? How?

[Lalathegreat]

After 3 unanswered phone calls and 52 abusive texts all seems quiet for now on the western front, but I'm still afraid to leave my bunker.

I suppose it would be best to block the number for awhile and not read the texts, but I felt compelled, no matter how hurtful, to watch the process unfold. It started with rage, became almost sad and pathetic, then an honest attempt to figure out "the psychology behind my actions", and then back to anger. The most hurtful highlights involved his son, how many chances he'd had to "___ beautiful women" that he now regrets turning down, and how this relationship was one he never wanted to have - it was apparently all MY idea.

If I am to believe the texts we are broken up at the moment. I want to roll my eyes because although that was stated multiple times, he continued to refer to us as a couple.

At any rate, I don't know how in the hell you ever come back from some of the ___ he said. It's not the first time he has verbally assaulted me,  but to have such a concentrated blitzkrurg all in one place is just making my mind spin. For those who have had this experience - were you ever able to completely move on? How?

[Keepingreal]

I would second the closing question, as I am in the real-time of this as well (see post). pwBPD dumped me via text message seven days ago after six year partnership and six week separation because his moods / verbal rantings and attacks were so adversely affecting my work, sleep, and health. Tonight, he starts texting -- not angry -- but sad, miserable, "I love you so much; I feel like I've lost my whole future" texts.

[formflier]

  For those who have had this experience - were you ever able to completely move on? How?

It's hard to explain... .you just move along.  For me it's because I want stability for my kids.  So I focus on the greater good and find other ways to take care of my needs.

You will have to find your own reason.   My path to my reason was a bit meandering.  I "tried on" several until I found something that fit my values.

What is your reason for sticking around right now?  Does that "fit you"?

Last thought.  Realize NONE of this is about you.  It's about them and what they do.  That does help it.  Also have some empathy to think "I'm glad I'm in my skin... .and not theirs."

FF

[BeagleGirl]

At any rate, I don't know how in the hell you ever come back from some of the ___ he said. It's not the first time he has verbally assaulted me,  but to have such a concentrated blitzkrurg all in one place is just making my mind spin. For those who have had this experience - were you ever able to completely move on? How?

Extra credit homework assignment for Lalathegreat:

Please try changing your question from "How?" to "Why?". 
I'm reading your question as "How do I process or forget all the horrible things my pwBPD has said/done and move on to a renewed relationship with him?", but it works equally well if you are asking "How do I let go of not only the horrible things my pwBPD has said/done and move on with my life without him?"  In my experience, neither is easily sustainable until you first ask the "Why?" form of the question.  And while we might be able to give you some of our "Why?s" that you can try on for size, none of them will hold you through the road ahead unless you own them fully.

IF your aim is to work through all that has happened in the past week, WHY?  What is it about the relationship that makes it worth holding onto and fighting for?

IF your aim is to move on from a relationship that has been unhealthy, WHY?  What is it about yourself that is valuable enough to protect and heal?

I know that the way I phrased the questions above probably reveals a bias, so I'll just say what I think, with the disclaimer that I am HUGELY influenced by the situation I am in and want you to know that I support whatever decision you make for YOU.

I am, frankly, jealous of the relative lack of things binding you to a man who has been abusive, manipulative, and controlling.  While I understand the pull of his son on your heart and life, you have (wisely) limited the amount of your life your pwBPD has access to and you don't have children together that would necessitate lifelong contact.  That doesn't mean that there isn't a large part of your heart in his possession, and the hopes and dreams that you invested in the relationship that you would have to uproot at the risk of watching some of them die.

I'm here to tell you that there is at least one person in the world who thinks you are beautiful and have an amazing heart to offer the world at large and, possibly, another man who will take better care of it.  I know we don't get to fully know people in a limited format such as this site, but what I have read in and into your posts tell me that you are a woman who has an incredible capacity to love.  I also see you as a woman who is strong and intelligent.  You are faithful and loyal and ready to shoulder the burdens of others.  You are empathetic and optimistic.  You strive to solve problems and bring joy into the lives of others.  You are willing to be vulnerable.  You desire and strive to be better tomorrow than you are today. 

I get the sense that you want someone (a man) to validate those things in you.  I get the sense that your divorce, though amicable, may have removed your previous source (your ex) of that validation.  I may totally be missing the mark on these, but if I'm accurate, I can understand how frightening it could be to have another "failed" relationship.  You may be wondering if there is something wrong with you and, even if there isn't, the pickings are slim out there and you would rather settle for what you can get than be alone.

Please know that I know that, on some level, I'm reflecting back to you my feelings about my situation (though I have some additional ties holding me to my husband) and my own fears.  This is why I have started to see my "Red Dress Moments" as the answers to my own "Why"s.  Ultimately, those are the ones that will hold true even after they guide me through this initial decision making stage.  If I find the answers to my "Why" and act out of who I am, the "How" seems to fall into place.  I hope and pray the same for you.

BeagleGirl

Some of my "Red Dress" Whys:
I am a great mother who helps her children see the mystery, adventure and sparkle in life while teaching them the strength and discipline to pursue and persevere.

I am an intelligent woman who is capable of learning and applying any subject matter that strikes my fancy.

I am a creative woman who uses the creativity both to solve problems and bring about beauty.

I am a caring woman who will "mourn with those who mourn", act compassionately towards those in need, and carry the friend when I can't carry their burden.

I am a stubborn woman who does not give up, even when there seems to be no way.

I am a flawed woman who has much to learn from others.

I am a woman of faith who can find hope in the unseen promises.

I am a woman who was made to love and be loved.

[flourdust]

You can never unsee what you've seen.

So how do you move on? Well, there are three paths that I can think of. They're not all healthy, and all have consequences.

The first path is denial. You block the memory, pretend it never happened, and pretend that everything is going to be fine from now on. If you can pull this off, you will be happier in the short term, but the next incident will hit you and hurt you just as hard as this one.

The second path is detachment. You protect yourself from the emotional impact of his rages by using your understanding of BPD and his psychology. You accept that he's not able to control himself, and you treat his provocations as if they were coming from a child or mentally impaired person. This will blunt the impact of these incidents, but your detachment will make you less and less invested in the relationship, and you certainly won't be able to act as if you are in a partnership of equals.

The third path is management. You become a master of DBT skills like boundaries and validation, and use these skills to defuse incidents in some circumstances and remove yourself both physically and emotionally in others. This is much easier said than done, and it's not something I can give very good advice on, as I never achieved it. I think it's almost impossible to do this without becoming detached as in the second path, but there are supposedly some folks who are able to compartmentalize their relationships so they can engage when things are good and detach when bad.

You'll notice that all three of these paths are a LOT of work, perhaps more work than you should put in to this compared to what you are getting out of it.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you all!

Beaglegirl - sobbing. Yes - so very nail on head in many ways. The thought of being alone or failing at another relationship is devastating to me, but you're right - why in the world am I trying to make THIS relationship the one? I need to give that some serious thought. I am also relieved that there is so little binding us because as hard as it is to let this go - I am grateful that I have the option of fleeing at anytime without any legal or physical attachments. It's why I've protected the rest of my life so fiercely.

Flourdust - I think the options you've laid out are pretty apt. The first isn't one I could ever manage at this point, although I recognize How I was there after the first few blow ups. I remember feeling so shell shocked after such an amazing honeymoon period - "what in the heck is happening?" And I already know that I've been hanging around in #2 which absolutely has created space and detachment - something pwBPD brings up in every conversation. Starting to learn tools to better manage, but yeah... .the level of effort is weighing on me.


FF - I admire your commitment to giving your children as much stability as possible a tremendous amount and always have. Your ability to use the tools is something I look up to an incredible amount and I'm so grateful for your willingness to be so open and candid on the forums. You help a lot of people.

Sara - I read your post in the other forum - hang in there. I'm thinking of you and your situation. 

[formflier]

  You help a lot of people.

Thanks... .if you ever want to think through pee pad issues in a relationship with a pwBPD... .there is a recent thread... .just sayin... .

I am where I am... .I've chosen that.  I would also encourage you to look at my story... .and who you chase after and I ask yourself... .

Do I really want a relationship with someone where a pee pad on a bed consumes more than 5 minutes of my time and energy.  Honestly... .I don't want that, but I have chosen that, for reasons other than the romantic r/s.

Frame all of this as things you can choose... .we will help inform the choices that YOU MAKE.

I am a fan of flourdust's number 3 option... .to learn and work it as hard as you can.  I think that will help you regardless of outcome of your current r/s.  Pursuing this path means you don't "participate" in any more abuse... .(ok... maybe 30 seconds worth as you enforce boundaries... .and leave).

I will add to flourdust's you can't "unsee" things... .to add that things "can't be unsaid". 

They can be forgiven.

The relationship can be reconciled.

Those are two different concepts... .keep them separate.  Forgiveness is up to you... .reconciliation isn't.  Keep a healthy, realistic view of your chances... .then live your life to the fullest.

FF

[Lalathegreat]

FF - chuckling... .there have been a few times with my pwBPD when a little "housekeeping" matter became a much bigger deal than it should have to be. I imagine that over time those are the things that become almost more exhausting than the periodic larger tantrums.

I have often thought that you have an advantage in the BPD world because of your military training. I was joking with a friend last night that if I make it out of this relationship alive I will be able to offer up my skills as a hostage negotiator.

I know, funny but not... .

[formflier]

The biggest thing for me that I draw on from military is the ability to clearly define a mission (objective) and then go for it... .and keep readjusting to "make the mission" or "meet the time on target".

pwBPD are good at turning you upside down and confusing things... ."poor situational awareness" in my vocabulary from the military.

Once you emerge from the FOG and get your SA back... .there are still some really bothersome parts to all of this BPD stuff... .but it becomes less life dominating.

Perhaps someday I'll be able to make it better than that... .but it does "dominate" many of the decisions I make... .at least I consider things from the BPD angle.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

If I am to believe the texts we are broken up at the moment. I want to roll my eyes because although that was stated multiple times, he continued to refer to us as a couple.

And there is a cynical part of me which says that this is what "being a couple" with him entails. This kind of invective and abuse.

Chances are you will have to choose to end this yourself, to make an ending "stick".

More seriously, for you... .he's thrown this kind of crap at you before, and you've made it past that with him. Perhaps not this much at one time, but it has happened.

What comes next from him? Does he come back with regret and sadness, and claims that he will do better?

And what do you want next?