A little about my daughter

[Drazen04]

Hi,
I feel as if there has been an endless list of obstacles faced by my now 13 year old daughter, the most recent being this onset of odd and confusing behaviors consistent with much of what I have read here.   
DD was born full term, but with a slightly enlarged head, and required suctioning to get through the vaginal canal.  APGAR was 9... no worries.  She always seemed content as a baby, could sit and play for hours by herself and hardly ever cried.  The doctors started around 18 months when she hadn't started walking yet.  We found out that she had mild hypotonia and she started receiving PT.  We were concerned further when she started stuttering, and daycare noted that she was socially withdrawn and so we took her to the developmental ped in the area who diagnoses kids on the autistic spectrum among many other things, and she just said that it was just the myopathy and to continue PT.  Her speech and language development was fine, and I really didn't think she was autistic either as I work with many professionally, only that she was a wallflower.  A couple of years later she needed eye surgery for strabismus on one eye and then a couple years later the same operation on the other eye.  By this time she was in 1st grade and had been diagnosed with ADHD just at the start of the year and began taking adderal.  She had an IEP in school for two years and then it was taken away because she was doing well academically.  However, never seemed to be able to make and keep friends.  She didn't seem to want to interact like other girls, just be there and do her own thing.
Fast forward to last summer.  My nice daughter turned into a grunting, hateful, mean child. She wouldn't touch anyone and if she was touched she had to touch the wall.   I took her off the adderal last September because I forgot to give it to her on a Saturday and it was like a light switch flipped, she was nice again!I decided to take her off of all meds after telling her doc that I wanted to.  That lasted for about two weeks and literally her school was concerned and the road to making a new IEP had started.   Physically, she couldn't write, any notes that she took, or math problems so completely illegible... .SERIOUSLY scribble worse than a preschoolers and her handwriting is not good to begin with.  So we started her back on the adderal and that got better, and her attitude stayed improved, but almost TOO SWEET... .like fake make you want to throw up niceness.  Even her voice was forced higher which made her stuttering worse, which added speech therapy to the IEP again. 
So this past year, she had been doing many odd things, maturbating in school, sticking her fingers up her anus to the point she started bleeding, saying she's in love with one of the teenage mutant ninja turtles, turning friends away that are reaching out to her, isolating.  She gets so into certain shows and games that she lives for certain characters.  She will draw them and get into her own fantasy world rather than socialize.  She had gotten to the point that she gets anxious when she can't give what she's interested in her full attention and she'll say "Mommy, I feel like I'm losing Skylanders".  She was also saying "Mommy I feel less awesome."  She has been going to therapy and has been followed by her psychiatrist since starting the adderal at age 7 and started Prozac 60mg 9mos ago when she started demonstrating OCD behavior in the midst of all this med and personality changes.   She cried one day at church when she was my nice kid, that she felt so badly when she was in her mean phase because she hated us and wanted to run away.  Since that time, she has mentioned things like certain shows, like teenage mutant ninja turtles, made her have that mean attitude, and she was afraid of that mean child coming back again.  Well, guess what, she's here again.  She is miserably mean, and gets terrible angry when taken out of her fantasy world or told her stuffed animals are not real.  She is back to not touching, and if touched, touching the wall, still being on the Prozac.
So, our psychologist (new one as of a month ago since we switch b/c the other guy was just "so puzzled and couldn't figure her out, maybe it' a sex addict thing" and she actually recommended the same thing that the other guy did, that we try her on risperdol and take her off of the Prozac because that didn't seem to be helping.  She she has been on ability 5mg, adderal 20mg and Prozac 60mg for almost a month now.  Just seeing that makes me want to cry.  I want her off all meds but I know I can't.  I want to at least try weaning her off the Prozac.  She is really tired now most of the time.  The drawings have stopped, but so has school so all of the variables have changed there.  She hasn't said repenting "Mommy I feel like I'm losing XYZ", but she's not being told to do HW either.  It's hard to tell if the abilify is working, but it seems to be in that aspect. 
Oh, and she has accidents too... .gets caught up in things and pees.  Just yesterday, it was her bed in the middle of the day after I told her she needed to be downstairs on her table because of how distracted she gets. So that makes me wonder if the adderal works again. 
She was recently diagnosed with celiac disease too.  I was hoping some of these behaviors would subside with the diet change, but actually she got mean again. 
There are SO MANY variables here I am so confused.  Throw in hormones at this age an forget it! 
I know I probably forgot many details, but I just wanted to get this first message posted so that I can get some feedback and maybe work out some things.
Thanks for reading this.
Drazen

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Drazen

First of all welcome to the forum. I can hear your pain and I'm so very sorry. You've been through a very tough time and you obviously love your daughter very much.

We all try to look for the answers as to why our kids have ended up being the way they are. I think it's an important part of reaching the a point of acceptance. Can't change the past, reflecting on everything helps us see exactly where we are at this precise moment in time. You speak so eloquently and your post shows just how much you've endured and carried. It's tough and life's just not fair.

I'm sure there's many on the forum that can relate to your situation. It starts with learning as much as you can about BPD, reading and posting is so extremely helpful.

What kind of support do you have for yourself?
Have you spoken to the psychologist about the "wetting" and your concerns about the meds?

Hugs
LP

[Drazen04]

HI Lollypop,
Thank you for your reply and for bringing back down to the basics for me.  Acceptance is the key, I agree.  I'm in the process of making that conscious change within me when I start getting out of control thinking about what is "wrong".  She is, deep down, a wonderful child. She is different, and she knows it. Hell, she celebrates the fact, telling her brother " I know I'm weird.  It's good to be different!" I just want her to be happy, and I'm afraid she won't be in the long run because of her odd behaviors and her shutting others away now.  But, I have to practice what I preach to my kids and know that God has a plan, and just because it's not what I want, it's what the Big Guy does. He knows best and knows what she and I both need.
I go to therapy for other issues, but my daughter's situation is discussed frequently.  I'm working on my own codependency issues with her and trying to implement unconditional positive regard when interacting with her.
Her doc is on board with decreasing the Prozac, just starting to do it slowly.  Everyone I gave spoken to in the medical field that have assessed her ( pediatrician, psychologists, psychiatrist, GI, Gyn, etc) all feel that the incontience is due to her attention issues. I have to agree since it really only happens in her room.  We implemented a check-in with her to try to get her to self monitor and regulate better, especially at night when the ADHD meds wear off.
I hope you are correct in finding others here that can relate to my situation.  I wasn't sure if I was in the right place or not.
Thank you again for making me feel sane and welcomed!

[MomMae]

Hi Drazen04,

I just wanted to echo Lollypop in welcoming you to the forum and to reassure you that this is a safe place to vent and find non-judgemental support.  I have been on here for about 7 weeks now and can already see the difference in my interactions with my BPD dd20.  Just the validation that my feelings and reactions were "normal" has helped beyond words.

There are SO MANY variables here I am so confused.

I totally understand what you are saying with the above quote and I am sure so many others here do, too!  That is exactly how I feel whenever I try to explain our experiences with my daughter to anyone.  It can leave your head spinning.  I have learned (from this forum) to take baby steps.  Things cannot be changed all at once.  But I can change my reaction and approach to me daughter, which, in turn, changes her response to me.  I can see the progress that I have made with her in the last 7 weeks.  When I joined the forum, my daughter was ignoring me and I felt totally lost in how to deal with her.  I think I was in the "victim" role.  Using skills I learned here, I have changed my approach, brought my expectations under control and right now my daughter is sitting in the other room and we have been getting along well for several weeks (despite learning that she is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy - never said life was perfect,  !)

Please keep posting, Drazen.  It really does help, as does having the understanding and acceptance of the wonderful people who use this forum.  Hugs go out to you!    MomMae

[Lollypop]

Hi Drazen

I'm in the process of making that conscious change within me when I start getting out of control thinking

This is a very positive step. I understand that escalation of thoughts, including loss of sleep when my mind gets like a washing machine. I found that decisions I make when I'm like this aren't good decisions. I wait until I'm calmer and have better perspective. It's not easy!

I spent years in a highly emotional state. I forgot to take care of myself. Being a parent of a child who is different is just terribly hard. I tried so very hard to get things right, to fix, solve problems and protect him. I got a lot of things wrong but I now know that's how we all learn. I wished I'd enjoyed him in teenage years, I didn't handle those hormonal years well and didn't see that he needed me to just spend time with him. Oh hindsight

My DS26 has been self medicating with Prozac and is currently reducing to be free from it. I realise now that's why he was slurring his words and a bit confused. I'm thankful he's decided to do this and shows he's learning to take better care of himself.

I know it's tricky to reduce Prozac. Has your daughter shown any problems in the withdrawing?

I'm glad you found us. Have you done any reading on BPD? If not, check out the top right hand side of this page if you get the time.

Take care of yourself.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Drazen04

I join LP and MomMae in welcoming you to the forum. I'm glad you found us, you are not alone. It's positive your young daughter has insight she's different and says so, an opportunity for you to validate her feelings. Listening with empathy and validating my 28DD helps us move forwards, top two tools to your right 

Do you have a joint interest you share with your DD, looking back I recognise how important that was for my DD at your DD's age, helps form sense of who they are, and it's as ever important to this day. We share a love of art and creativity, it's helping us through.

Gentle steps, I look forward to reading your posts.

WDx

[flourdust]

Hi, Drazen! I just want to jump in to offer support. I also have a child with a history of challenging and not easily diagnosed behavioral problems that interfered with her ability to be a successful kid. It took a really good team of psychiatrist, counselor, and school teachers and social workers to experiment with different types of medication and social structure. There was no instant and easy fix, but after many carefully observed adjustments, we got to a place where my daughter is able to thrive and just be a normal kid.