Medical child abuse concerns

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My daughter-in-law has symptoms of BPD. Unofficially, in a discussion our son had with a family therapist she qualified for all 9 criteria. She recently decided she had to leave her husband of 4+ years so "He could change." Even though she stated that he was a great dad, that he never beat her and always did everything for her," which he did. Three months later she took the two young children to a "Safe house" and filed a police report claiming emotional abuse for his "gaming addiction", but at that time claimed he never hurt her or the children. She kept the children from him for two months. She has upped her accusations to physical abuse to one of the children. With a lawyer's help he can now see the children 3 times a week. At the first hearing, he learned that the toddler has been throwing up every night since she took the children away. The father was always the comforter and sang the children to sleep each night. The father also just found out the a doctor had prescribed a very strong anti-nausea med for both children. (One usually used for chemo patients or post op). The older child has developed severe anxiety to any noises and even is afraid of the toilet flush, she has been throwing up also. She was very clingy on their first visit. One week later, the mother had the 2 year old's tonsils and adenoids removed. He has appeared healthy in the past. He is short, but not underweight. He had not been a sickly child. Suddenly he has this surgery. The mother has always been quick to seek medical help. She used special ointments and soaps for sensitive skin, diet changes to the extreme, a quick trip to the doctor or emergency room for  anything. I do not live closeby. I hear things second hand. However this is very concerning to me. Is this a behavior to get attention for the mom? Is it something more? Have others seen this? Is there anything I can do or should try to get my son to do? Medical Child Abuse or Munchausen by proxy is a scary thought and troubling claim.

[Hopeful grandma]

My daughter-in-law has symptoms of BPD. Unofficially, in a discussion our son had with a family therapist she qualified for all 9 criteria. She recently decided she had to leave her husband of 4+ years so "He could change." Even though she stated that he was a great dad, that he never beat her and always did everything for her," which he did. Three months later she took the two young children to a "Safe house" and filed a police report claiming emotional abuse for his "gaming addiction", but at that time claimed he never hurt her or the children. She kept the children from him for two months. She has upped her accusations to physical abuse to one of the children. With a lawyer's help he can now see the children 3 times a week. At the first hearing, he learned that the toddler has been throwing up every night since she took the children away. The father was always the comforter and sang the children to sleep each night. The father also just found out the a doctor had prescribed a very strong anti-nausea med for both children. (One usually used for chemo patients or post op). The older child has developed severe anxiety to any noises and even is afraid of the toilet flush, she has been throwing up also. She was very clingy on their first visit. One week later, the mother had the 2 year old's tonsils and adenoids removed. He has appeared healthy in the past. He is short, but not underweight. He had not been a sickly child. Suddenly he has this surgery. The mother has always been quick to seek medical help. She used special ointments and soaps for sensitive skin, diet changes to the extreme, a quick trip to the doctor or emergency room for  anything. I do not live closeby. I hear things second hand. However this is very concerning to me. Is this a behavior to get attention for the mom? Is it something more? Have others seen this? Is there anything I can do or should try to get my son to do? Medical Child Abuse or Munchausen by proxy is a scary thought and troubling claim.

[Kwamina]

Hi Hopeful grandma,

I am glad to see you reaching out for support but am sorry for the circumstances that have led you here. The situation you describe is quite complex and sad. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you knowing your grandchildren are suffering and also seeing your son go through this.

The father also just found out the a doctor had prescribed a very strong anti-nausea med for both children. (One usually used for chemo patients or post op).

Did your son also find out why this particular med was prescribed to them?

One week later, the mother had the 2 year old's tonsils and adenoids removed. He has appeared healthy in the past. He is short, but not underweight. He had not been a sickly child. Suddenly he has this surgery.

Has the mother as far as you know given any explanation for this procedure? Perhaps some information about the medical necessity?

The mother has always been quick to seek medical help. She used special ointments and soaps for sensitive skin, diet changes to the extreme, a quick trip to the doctor or emergency room for  anything. I do not live closeby. I hear things second hand.

When you say you hear things second hand, who are you hearing them from? Are you talking about your son or perhaps also other people who are providing you with information?

It's difficult to tell what's exactly going on with your DIL and why she's behaving this way. But considering a family therapist told your son that his wife checks the boxes for all 9 BPD criteria, it seems likely she suffers from distorted thinking and perception. Her behavior then stems from a distorted reality which could factor into the way she is now treating your grandchildren.

Take care

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Hopeful Grandma - thank you for joining. I'm really sorry to hear such a difficult situation is unfolding for you and your family.

I am married to an undiagnosed person with BPD traits. My mother has been very supportive in helping me to see realities that are very hard to see from inside the relationship. That sounds like your role here and I would encourage you to embrace it. It sounds like your grandchildren are in desperate need and I suspect your son trusts you and relies on you as well.

I feel like the legal system will need to be used quite a bit here.

You mentioned that with the help of a lawyer your son has access 3 times a week - that's a good thing.

Do you know, have there been any discussions regarding custody arrangements and who will / should have decision-making authority regarding your grandchildren's medical care? There are many folks on this board who are much more qualified and experienced in these matters, but I would suspect that an incident like unnecessary surgery, and the true medical reasons behind it if any, would be critical pieces of information for your son and his attorney to have.

And finally, you mention that your son was a comforter for his children, and boy can I relate to that, as well. Reminding your son that he played such a critical role for his children in the past, and that it's needed now more than ever, might go a long way toward helping your grandchildren, albeit indirectly.

Keep posting, Hopeful Grandma - I look forward to hearing more.

[Panda39]

Hi Hopeful grandma,

I'm so sorry you, your son and grandkids are going through this.  Your story is ringing bells for me too.  My SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) is also really weird when it comes to the medical care of her daughters.  She didn't go as far as surgery but she can be both overindulgent and neglectful.

During their separation mom had majority custody and was alienating the kids   Once their younger daughter had a toothache, mom was to take her to the dentist, then didn't, then rescheduled, then didn't go again, then changed dentist, then didn't go... .all the while the kid had a toothache! Dad finally had to step in and get her to the dentist by then the poor kid needed a root canal!  The same kid had a stomachache 1 day on a Monday and mom kept her home from school for a week!  One of the weirder stories was when she took the girls to the dermatologist for acne.  While there apparently someone noticed dark rings around the girl's necks (that never existed) and it was suggested that it was a symptom of diabetes?  So she became obsessed about what the girls had to eat at dads and she was sure they were diabetic and it was all dad's fault... .Then sends them home Easter Weekend with literally 10 bags of Easter candy! She is also a hypochondriac about her own health and up to this week actually wants to have the kids tested for this and that, because she is sure she has whatever the disease of the week is so they must have it too and if they have it that proves that she has it! 

I think in our case there are a mixture of things going on, some genuine caring about her daughters, some attention seeking on her part, creating and thriving in the drama of a health scare, and trying to figure out what is wrong with herself (while ignoring/not seeing the big BPD elephant in the room!).

My SO took his tooth story and email evidence of the multiple promises and failures to get their daughter to the dentist and his Diabetes story with pictures of the Easter Candy and the Stomachache story and the daughters lousy school attendance record to court (along with other evidence of mom's inability to take care of the girls) and was awarded... .Education decisionmaking, Medical decision making, and Dental decision making. He also won over 50% custody.

I would advise your son to do the same get copies of the kids medical records, document the kids strange medical care or lack of care, are these behaviors of mom's affecting the kids in other parts of their lives?  My first reaction to the throwing up was anxiety but those kids are so young... .can dad take them to a different  pediatrician without mom's knowledge and get them a check up? I don't know just thinking out loud... .

Where is dad in terms of divorce?  Has he spoken to any attorneys?  He might want to do some consultations find out what his rights are, tell them about his concerns about the kids, and ask about strategies around protecting himself from false allegations of abuse. He might also want to think about having a custody evaluation done.

You might want to do some posting over on the legal board the folks over there have been through it and have lots of good suggestions and ideas.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Turkish]

If he was able to secure visitation,  what does the custody order look like,  even if it is a temp order? Even is he doesn't have joint physical custody at this point,  what is the legal custody look like? Physical and legal custody can be two seperate things,  the latter giving him power to make joint decisions regarding things such as medical matters. 

[ForeverDad]

As you are not the children's doctor or medical provider, you don't have the training or authority to determine whether this could be Factitious Disorder by Proxy, AKA Munchausen By Proxy.  This might very well be a good question for the father to ask the pediatricians or since the doctors seem not to have the full history then make a report to the local Children's Protective Services or Social Services for Children.  Separately, these may not be alarming to the professionals but if all the medical records are gathered and assessed together along with investigation, who knows what might be concluded?

It's difficult to tell what's exactly going on with your DIL and why she's behaving this way. But considering a family therapist told your son that his wife checks the boxes for all 9 BPD criteria, it seems likely she suffers from distorted thinking and perception. Her behavior then stems from a distorted reality which could factor into the way she is now treating your grandchildren.

I'd like to add that often the professionals are reluctant to diagnose Personality Disorders/Dysfunctions.  Maybe in front page or murder cases, but not so much where the judges can just refer to it as 'high conflict' or decide it isn't 'actionable'.  I was in and our of family court from 2005 to 2013, over 8 years.  In all that time every professional skirted around the question why my ex behaved the way she did.  Finally at our last hearing, yes after 8 years, the magistrate wrote in her decision that my ex needed counseling but then wrote it wouldn't be ordered because she may not be able to afford it.  (Wasn't that what Obamacare was all about?  Oh well.)