Husband blames me for his sucidial thoughts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,
Married 18 years to BPD husband.  It was never an easy marriage, but the last few months have been particularly horrible with him raging at me and talking cr@p about me to our friends and family.  He will make the craziest accusation, then insist I apologize, get upset at me if I say I didn't do/say what he is accusing me of, and then rage for hours.  The newest twist is that if I don't agree to his accusation and apologize, he tells me that I am making him suicidal.  I always ask if he feels like hurting himself, and if I should call 911.  He always uses this as further proof that I don't care about him, because obviously he doesn't need 911 he just needs me to hug him and tell him I'm sorry, he says.  Sometimes I give in because I just want this terror to be over with.  Then two weeks ago, he again accused me of saying something I never said, and I didn't apologize for it, so he physically attacked me.  As soon as he got off me, I went to sleep on the couch.  Then next morning, he asked me to check him into the psych ward because he wanted to kill himself.  I brought him to the ER, and he was admitted under legal hold for 3 days.  After he came out, he said he wants to separate since it was me who pushed him to the point of suicidal.  Instead of helping him heal, his family has been calling friends of mine and my family to talk bad about me, how I pushed him to the edge, and asking what they know.  This week, he went away on vacation alone to heal from his stressful marriage.  I am still reeling from all this, but I am thinking, maybe this is the end?  Then I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not certain this is the end.  I am scared out of my mind to go through the divorce proceedings with a BPD man, but then I wonder if that is any reason to stay with him.  I am also torn because honestly I love him very much, and I am not sure I am ready to give up the hope that he will get better.  But I am also so hurt by his betrayal, blaming me for his depression, and by his family turning against me so quickly and without hesitation.

[talking rose]

Hi,
Married 18 years to BPD husband.  It was never an easy marriage, but the last few months have been particularly horrible with him raging at me and talking cr@p about me to our friends and family.  He will make the craziest accusation, then insist I apologize, get upset at me if I say I didn't do/say what he is accusing me of, and then rage for hours.  The newest twist is that if I don't agree to his accusation and apologize, he tells me that I am making him suicidal.  I always ask if he feels like hurting himself, and if I should call 911.  He always uses this as further proof that I don't care about him, because obviously he doesn't need 911 he just needs me to hug him and tell him I'm sorry, he says.  Sometimes I give in because I just want this terror to be over with.  Then two weeks ago, he again accused me of saying something I never said, and I didn't apologize for it, so he physically attacked me.  As soon as he got off me, I went to sleep on the couch.  Then next morning, he asked me to check him into the psych ward because he wanted to kill himself.  I brought him to the ER, and he was admitted under legal hold for 3 days.  After he came out, he said he wants to separate since it was me who pushed him to the point of suicidal.  Instead of helping him heal, his family has been calling friends of mine and my family to talk bad about me, how I pushed him to the edge, and asking what they know.  This week, he went away on vacation alone to heal from his stressful marriage.  I am still reeling from all this, but I am thinking, maybe this is the end?  Then I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not certain this is the end.  I am scared out of my mind to go through the divorce proceedings with a BPD man, but then I wonder if that is any reason to stay with him.  I am also torn because honestly I love him very much, and I am not sure I am ready to give up the hope that he will get better.  But I am also so hurt by his betrayal, blaming me for his depression, and by his family turning against me so quickly and without hesitation.

[formflier]

You certainly have a very stressful situation on your hands.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

You have found a place that understands.  Many of us have been through similar things with our partners.

  Instead of helping him heal, his family has been calling friends of mine and my family to talk bad about me, how I pushed him to the edge, and asking what they know. 

He likely learned many of his behaviors and attitudes from his FOO (family of origin).  Can you see how his "crazy-making" is related to theirs?  If you look at it that context... .it sort of makes sense.

Are there kids involved?

Do you have a therapist or someone trusted to guide you?

We can help.  Will check back later to read your replies.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

talking rose,
    I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am in a similar, though less overt situation with my hwBPD, so maybe we can be support buddies. 

    Does your husband have a formal diagnosis of BPD?  Mine does.  I think that can make conversations about suicide a bit more direct, but I don't know that anything could make them "easier".

    The points my therapist has helped me prepare to communicate to my husband are:
1.  I hear your pain and acknowledge your desire to end it through suicide.
2.  I would be grieved by your death.
3.  I would not feel guilty - this is the key one for me.  More on this below.
4.  I would move on.
5.  You would miss out on xyz (seeing our sons marry and have children, being a grandparent, etc.), but I would not.

    Point 3 is, for me, the most important to truly own if I have any hope of communicating it to my hwBPD.  I also need to realize that I'm not trying to convince HIM that I shouldn't feel guilty.  As far as he's concerned, all I have to establish is that I won't feel guilty.  For myself, I need to understand why I shouldn't feel guilty.  I might even tell him my reasoning, but make it clear that I share it only to help him gain understanding, not as a start of a debate.
    Here is my reasoning for why I shouldn't feel guilty if my husband attempts suicide.  The BPD diagnosis does help by providing some facts to base it on:
1.  Suicidal ideation is a known aspect of the disorder. 
2.  I did not cause his disorder. 
3.  I can not cure his disorder. 
4.  I am doing all I can to encourage him to take steps to address his disorder and, by virtue of that, am striving to help him deal with and ultimately escape the suicidal ideation.
5.  If present when he is likely to attempt self-harm/suicide, I will take steps to provide the professional help necessary to protect his life (by calling a suicide hotline, 911, or taking him to the ER).

   These may feel like indirect actions compared to what your husband wants "I just need a hug and for you to say you are sorry", but you are focused on a long term, proven resolution.  What he is asking of you has not been proven in any studies, or even in your own relationship, to be an effective treatment for the suicidal ideation.  If, heaven forbid, he were to attempt and/or succeed at suicide, you would have done what you could to prevent it and should not carry around the guilt.

    I don't know that I have experienced what our husbands experience as "suicidal ideation", but I have been in a place where I felt like the pain was too much to live with and the only escape from the pain was death.  I know that, in those moments, no amount of hugging and apologizing could have made any difference.  In those moments, it was the knowledge of the pain I would cause my children and the finality of suicide that kept me from attempting suicide.  The two things that helped me get out of the suicidal ideation were to ease the mental anguish by starting on anti-anxiety drugs ("short term" treatment that lasted almost 3 years until I took the next step... .) and to realize my ability to address the situation that was causing the pain (my marriage).  I'm not yet sure exactly how that situation will ultimately be addressed in the long term, but I know that I have choice.  I'm not able to enact change in my husband to make the marriage less painful, but I can choose to enact change in myself that would make living in my marriage less painful.  I am also able to remove myself from the painful marriage short term (currently separated) or long term (considering divorce) to reduce the pain that was leading to suicidal ideation.

    I am not sure how much of what I worked through is necessary/achievable by my husband.  I don't doubt that he is in pain, but I DO doubt whether he is actually at a point where he thinks death is the only option to ease that pain.  I think he is a point where he thinks that threatening suicide is the only option to GET ME to ease his pain.  In my mind, the difference between what I experienced and what he is experiencing is that I was viewing suicide as a solution to my problems while he is viewing the threat of suicide as a tool to get me others to solve his problems.  Obviously, I can't be sure of that differentiation and my actions can't be based on whether I think he's really serious or not.  I have to take him seriously, but I also have to make sure that I don't sacrifice the steps towards long term healing in an attempt to manage short term crises. 

    I'm sending hugs for you (I'm of the opinion that you need them more than your husband
 ) and hope you continue to share your experiences, good and bad, with us.
               
BeagleGirl

[flourdust]

Hello, and welcome! You've found a community here with a lot of similar experiences and some resources that can help you.

I'm very sorry to hear about what you've been going through. This is a good place to wrestle with the decision you have to make, and to try to cut through the fog to see clearly.

The domestic violence you've described is alarming and not at all OK. I'm going to offer a couple of resources that might be helpful

Creating a Plan for Safety First

This tool is used widely for quick assessment of your current threat situation: MOSAIC Threat Assessment Tool Worth checking out!

I'm glad you found us.

[talking rose]

Thank you all for your responses.  I am crying as I read them, tears of relief that someone understands.  I feel like these last few weeks I have been living an alternate reality, all while trying to go about my usual daily responsibilities taking care of the kids and going to work.

As far as a safety plan, we are currently separated (by his choice,) but he keeps coming in unannounced to pick things up.  I sleep with one eye open, half expecting him to suddenly be standing by my bed.  He has done this a few times the last time we were separated, even once showing up in my room while I was sleeping and climbing into my bed and trying to have sex with me.  So I do need a safety plan, so far it's always having my phone nearby to call for help, but even that I know is a weak plan.  Also, I can't call 911 because if he gets arrested he loses his licenses to practice at his job.  That's the reason I never called before, even this last time when he really hurt me I just went to the couch.

As I type this I am embarrassed at how scared I am of him and of how helpless I feel in my situation. 

BeagleGirl, thank you for your post it is so helpful to me.  I do feel helpless and guilty when he threatens suicide.  I don't feel responsible, but I do feel guilty.  I am going to write down your talking points so that I can refer to it when he brings up suicide again.  It's for me rather than for him, there is no reasoning with him when he gets into those moods and I have found it better to say nothing at those times, only to call for help if he seems to be a danger to himself.

We have a few beautiful amazing children together.  The oldest is a teenager and the youngest a toddler.  They are the reason I continued trying to make this work the last five years when the good times were far and few between and the rages and accusations were becoming more and more the norm.  But after this incident, and now his leaving, I think it might be better for the kids if I didn't stay with him.  If I could have the energy that I have been putting into this marriage and use it instead on parenting better, it might be better for them than to have an emotionally drained mother.  But I can't say for sure.  There is something special about having both parents living in the same home as you.

I am so happy I found this site.

[BeagleGirl]

If I could have the energy that I have been putting into this marriage and use it instead on parenting better, it might be better for them than to have an emotionally drained mother.  But I can't say for sure.  There is something special about having both parents living in the same home as you.

I am so happy I found this site.

I too am glad you found this site. 

The portion of your post that I quoted really stood out to me because it's what I struggled with for about a year.  My children are older (S18 and S14) but I stayed in the house for them.  I didn't want them to even deal with separation and did everything I could to avoid it.  It was during that time that I felt like the only option out was death, because I couldn't bear to think of hurting my kids by "breaking up their happy home". 

I've been separated from my husband for 3 months now.  I think I'm just starting to see the "damage" in my S14.  I am sad that he has to go through this and that I was the one who chose the separation, but I don't dwell on that or feeling guilty.  The main reason I can resist those feelings of guilt are because I know the kind of mother I was when facing the daily drama and abuse.  I have no doubt that I am a better mother now than I was then.  I do have the energy to invest in my sons.  I don't feel the need to constantly be on guard to protect myself and them from their dad's periodic outbursts, so I smile and laugh and love more freely. 

Part of me hopes that this time of separation will be sufficient for me to gain the strength and knowledge it would take to go back to the marriage and maintain the "intact" family with both parents living at home, regardless of whether hwBPD changes or not.  For now, I don't believe I could go back to him "as is" and not lose myself and have my boys lose the mother I am now.  Maybe I will get there.  Maybe he will change.  Maybe I won't ever go back.  Those are all uncertainties that keep me on this "Conflicted" board.  For now, I know that I am learning to be strong and vulnerable at the same time in relationships that are safe - like my relationship with my boys.  I know that I am developing a more solid sense of and appreciation for who I am and that it spills out in the ability to love my boys better.

On the topic of him "showing up"; I am hoping you will consider changing the locks.  One of the reasons I moved out of our home rather than "kicking my husband out" was because I wanted to avoid any excuse for him to "drop by".  He knows where I live, but has no reason to be there uninvited and no key to get in.  At minimum, I think it is reasonable for you to have a lock on your bedroom.

On not having the ability to call 911; this is a really tough one.  Not being able to keep his job if he were arrested obviously would have a huge impact on you and your children, but it seems like it has effectively kept him from facing the consequences of his actions.  While you can do some things, like changing the locks, to minimize the risk of needing to call the police, ultimately you may need to decide if the financial impact of him losing his job is something you are willing to accept in order to protect yourself and family.

What you described in your post is stalking and attempted rape.  If your husband feels he can do these things with no consequences, what else is he willing to do?  What are you willing to allow him to do? 

I think setting up a protection plan is key, but I think you may also need to put some thought into what consequences you will and will not protect him from if he violates your boundaries while you are in the process of putting other protective measures in place.

[formflier]

  Also, I can't call 911 because if he gets arrested he loses his licenses to practice at his job.  That's the reason I never called before, even this last time when he really hurt me I just went to the couch.
 

OK... .this is an anonymous board.  Please post as much detail as you can about this.  I suspect this is false.

If there is a conviction I could believe it, but I'm not aware of any professional licensing that is contingent upon no arrest... .or that licenses are yanked upon arrest.  "Guilty until proven innocent" is rarely a standard.

It is important for YOU to know the impact of calling 911 on your life.  Your husbands income is certainly part of that.  The source of this information should be someone other than your hubby.

Also I would encourage you to find out if your locality uses "text to 911".  A call to sheriff or 911 center should inform you.

How many locks would have to be changed to secure your house?  Not suggesting you do so at this point, but I do think you should begin considering it.

What are the details of the separation?  Anything in writing.

Either of you in therapy?

         

We get it.  Many of us have "been there". 

I've got a lot more questions and concerns.  Mostly centered around getting you safe. 

It's hard to make thoughtful and wise decisions when sleeping with one eye open. 

What can you think of to improve your safety situation?

FF