Here

[Agatha]

Hi,
So I'm a newbie here & glad that I found the site.  It will be nice after so many years to not feel so alone.

My daughter is not diagnosed with BPD but I feel I can safely say that she has the traits.  Oh my, Yes!  I have tried to please and appease for years while I have been baited and berated, and of course alternately exalted and admired.  The exaltation and admiration is swell, albeit excessive.  The baited & berated, well that's not so good.

Why am I here now after so many years?  Well, at 58 years old, I finally got my undergrad degree in psychology so in a course on personality, I recognized my daughter in the cluster B's.  So I know I'm not a clinician, I get it, but I did know what to Google.  I found "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Wow. Wow. What a revalation!  So now I know everything I've been doing wrong.  On the bright side, I have learned some good strategies for my own self-care; I have to set limits and boundaries because I have rights! Woohoo! Who knew?  In reading, I also became convinced that my daughter was just born this way because the behaviors started very early.  Toddler tantrums were unbelievably intense to start with and I was worried that something was wrong.  It just didn't feel right, you know?  Really intense episodes were usually 2-4 times a year for her whole life (she's 31) with less extreme, fairly manageable, incidents in between.  Structure seemed to help and of course giving in to demands & apologizing for transgressions helped too.  Friends and family saw her as "spoiled" but I felt there was more to it than that.  Why would someone act this way on purpose?  But then I'd doubt myself & my instincts because she is smart and is able to control her behavior when needed (but not all of the time). Oh, and did I mention that she's manipulative?

But something has changed.  She has a boyfriend and the past 6 months have been so crazy.  The texts, the accusations, the neediness, are relentless.  The boyfriend is the best guy ever, except when he is the worst guy ever.  It is now impossible for me to soothe or support her because I am always wrong.  This is exhausting.  I am just worn out & looking for some kind support and practical advice.

Thanks & best to All!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Devestated mum]

Hi Agatha,

I'm also a newbie.

My goodness when I read what you wrote,I saw my own situation.

I began to realise my daughter has BPD when she was pregnant with her son now 3.

I also believe she was born this way,when I look back all the signs were there.

She was always a hard to parent child.

I found some of her school reports while searching for something in the attic,what had been written was not the same child I lived with.

I'm no contact with her but she still tries to get at me via third party mostly,I had the unfortunate incident of bumping into her in town,it was'nt pleasant but I didn't react to her

I learnt that much before I came here.

She tells people that I have a tumour and that I don't have long to live,not at all true.

I died a little inside when I realised my daughter had this problem.

I wish every day I could reach out to her and help her,but I know I can't.

The boyfriend situation is the same as your daughter,he told me himself he has no compassion and empathy for people only animals,so she is with a man that mirrors her own behaviour.

She's 33 now so I can't see us getting a relationship back now.

I try to kind to myself,but I still feel I let her down in some way.

Hugs x

[wendydarling]

Hello Agatha

I join Devestated Mum welcoming you to bpdfamily forum, we are glad you found us. It's is exhausting as you say and it sounds like you are going through more change with your DD's relationship with BF? Does your DD live with her BF?

Well done on your self-care, setting limits, to the right are tools and lessons are you familiar with them, they work too.

Wow congratulations to you on your degree, a wonderful accomplishment for you. I have in mind to make space for me like you one day - on my wish list is a burning passion of mine.

WDx
DD28