I filed for divorce? Worth researching the rumor and confronting BPDh?

[BeagleGirl]

I had dinner with my "besties" last night.  It was a much needed reconnection with women who I trust implicitly.  One of the women is the wife of a man that my BPDh is "friends" with.  Evidently her husband came home and told her that my BPDh told him that I had filed for divorce.

Huh?  Not only have I been very clear with BPDh that I am pursuing a legal separation NOT a divorce, but I haven't even formally filed for the separation yet.  We have our first meeting with a mediator in just under 2 weeks.

It is possible that her husband misunderstood, but without sharing specifics, both women shared that they have seen group texts from my BPDh that are "requests for help" that felt to them like a convenient way for BPDh to share the things I'm doing that hurt him and/or garner sympathy.  I suspect that he told his friend some form of the truth that may have been easily misunderstood.  Now I'm wondering how many other people he has told this to.

So my question is - do I dig deeper and ask the wives of some of the other men that I know he confides in if they have heard the same "rumor" about my filing for divorce?  Do I ask BPDh about it?  Or do I just let it go and let people who care enough to ask me for the truth come to me if they hear the rumor?  I'm tending to lean towards the latter, but I also found out this week that he is planning to rent an apartment from a member of our church.  We had agreed to a limited number of people at church that we would tell about our separation.  This person was not on the list, and I have NO idea how he would have approached renting apartment from him without saying something about the separation.  Now I am wondering how many people know and what they've been told.

Thoughts?

BeagleGirl

[Grey Kitty]

It would seem reasonable to send your H a quick email or text... .something like:

I was talking to 'friend' and she had heard the 'news' that I had filed for divorce. I haven't done any such thing, and I'm pretty sure you know that. Do you know anything about misunderstanding?

If you do, I wouldn't expect much out of it. Perhaps a denial. Perhaps genuine confusion. Perhaps projecting blame onto a third party.

The bigger question is this: Do you believe your H will attempt a smear campaign against you in your church? Has he ever done anything like that to you or anybody else in the past? Threatened to do anything of the sort?

Even if there is one, I tend to take the approach that good, loyal people who matter to you will want to you know your side/your story... .and the people who believe everything he says and any rumor they hear without caring about your side aren't people you should trust or value.

[DaddyBear77]

The bigger question is this: Do you believe your H will attempt a smear campaign against you in your church? Has he ever done anything like that to you or anybody else in the past? Threatened to do anything of the sort?

Honestly this is the very first thing that popped into my head, too:  "be on the look out for a distortion (smear) campaign"

There's a book - Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist - and it has a very good discussion around distortion campaigns in the context of divorce.

I'd argue that some of the same protections will apply whether it's a separation or a divorce. This isn't the family law board, so I'll leave that discussion for them. But I would definitely try and take a proactive approach. Reaching out to pwBPD isn't going to yield anything trustworthy, most likely, so focus on mutual friends and people in both of your lives, and just say "Hey, heads up, you may hear something from pwBPD about separation or divorce. I'd just like you to know that I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, so please don't hesitate to ask me."

Like GK said, the people who are on your side will probably stay on your side and really appreciate this. The people who shift based on something pwBPD says would probably have done that anyway.

[formflier]

  We had agreed to a limited number of people at church that we would tell about our separation.  This person was not on the list, and I have NO idea how he would have approached renting apartment from him without saying something about the separation. 

I was going to say let it go... .until I saw this.

So... .if there is a list, it should be followed.

However, for renting an apartment, you need to cut him some slack.  He can rent one without explaining.

Is the hubby that was told about the divorce on the list?

This would be another place where written structure would be good.   A list of people that marriage can be discussed with, or perhaps limit that to professionals that are helping.

If there was a list created... .and you believe he has gone off the list, ask him to clarify.  Go from there.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BG, Attempting to quash a rumor seems like a futile pursuit, so I suggest you let it go.  If anyone wants to know for sure, they are free to ask you.  Your H will probably deny it or project the blame on someone else, as GK notes.  It doesn't make it any easier, I can appreciate, when you hear that things have been said behind your back, as I know from personal experience during my D.  Yet you know you haven't filed for D, so I suggest taking the high road.

LuckyJim