During My Last Post My Husband Was Being Abused By His Son

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,
While I was typing my first post, I found out later that afternoon, my husband was being verbally abused and threatened, again,  at our rental for 3 hours by his BPD son. My husband would not call  me like he usually does, that day, and I knew something was off. I called twice, for dinner plans,  which he told me doing that pissed off his BPD son ;he was afraid I would call the cops, which made things worse for him every time I did call. My husband didn't call the police this time, like he did two other times, because we were threatened during the last rage weeks ago, if we ever call the cops on the BPD son again, he would kill people, and I have this on video too, then the cops would find his dead body.
(The police advised me to video tape each encounter for now on to help us in court.)

My husband also told me that his son said he better listen to him, or he would threaten he would do things. Wasn't told what they were, but I did hear the suicide threat happened again during the rage. It was like he did it to test his father, who last time called the police on his son during a violent rage a few weeks ago, and also another week or so before that.

I am seeing that the BPD stepson does that when I am not around, because when he tried the last time at the home, months ago, I intervened, and kept it calm, saying things that centered the drama triangle, breaking it,  and I didn't know that till I read about it this week. I cause the BPD stepson lose control of us. The BPD stepson  had his father weeping, suffering, and it stops, when I get involved, which he doesn't like. After things calmed down though, before the BPD stepson left, he threatened to break in the house if we didn't keep the front door bolt off, which is what he was having a rage about. He said it inconvenienced him. His father told him we were scared of him hurting us, and didn't like him coming in the middle of the night waking us up either. He got his way, and is quiet most of the time, but he stomps down the stairs when he wants to show us he is there, which is really juvenile to say the least.

I hug my husband each time this happens, and try not to say anything, when he is upset like this.  He was scared, even though he says he isn't. He just needs to know I am there for him. Which is really hard, seeing him so abused like this, and I have to not say anything to his BPD son who walks around and acts like he is in charge of my home, us, and he did nothing wrong. When I have tried before, my husband abuses me and says I am abusing his BPD son rejecting him. He has got mad at his oldest also, and so they used to be close, and now that relationship has been damaged by the BPD son, and he seems happy about that, he always has been jealous of his successful oldest brother as it is.

So that next morning, my husband finally is starting to ask me the questions about how does  DBT  work, called Linehan's organization, and is looking into counselors. He also is hard on me about my new improvements, using them as tools to verbally abuse me when I say things he doesn't like, so he can control me, which I have to not react to, and become part of the drama triangle. Especially the caretaker role, he wants me to not mother him, I think, which is understandable. My husband is a really dominant type of guy, used to be a small business owner, and is used to running things. I used to work for him as his fiancée, so I can deal with that, but it is hard when it comes to seeing him upset and suffering, and not able to think straight, and seeming to have dementia starting, forgetting things, etc. I really have to be mindful when this situation is not getting any better, and the frustration my husband has, not being able to be heard by the mental health people, only caring about his mentally ill BPD son's rights and what he wants, and he wants to live with us, and what is going to happen when we are gone, etc.?  My husband thinks he can live with us as long as he wants, I want him gone if he can't control himself anymore, so I have to put up with his BPD stepson in my living space, or I was told to leave long ago. That isn't the case now, but it used to be.

So we can't even go on a vacation now until his BPD son is under control somehow, because he said we have to take him with us, or it isn't right. So he abused my cats with neglect, and killed my  fish overfeeding them, last time during the vacation, then his brother told on him, and then he abused his brother having a rage, and broke into my bedroom, like I mentioned before.

So my husband won't go on more than an overnighter, which we still haven't done yet, till this situation is fixed, and he is also worried for his cancer in remission son, being alone with this mentally ill BPD son, and being abused, or dying while we are gone because of the terminal illness he has is close to the end right now, making everyone here on edge. I am detaching as much as I can, but it is hard when so many suffer each day it seems like.

I love my husband very much. I feel his love when we are close, and we still function well as a couple, since I learned not to cause triggers and react to this BPD stepson's abuse.

But I realize from my caretaker role I played for years, which was unhealthy, thinking I am going to rescue him, this family from this mentally ill BPD stepson, somehow, someway, that my husband or his family cannot be saved from the pain he has, they all have,  from his violent BPD son. It is their family problem, not mine, and  I need to just be helpful as they want me too. Since I have got that mindset, I am less upset, and less abused myself.

I believe now that he has to have pain till he does something that he is afraid to do. It is like myself too, how much more can I take before I can't take it anymore either?
My husband has talked to me about this, he worries I will leave, the oldest son also. I promised everyone I won't be a hero and try to defend my husband anymore, it is like I am a guardian, watching over the family, but I will call the police if they end up with a bad violence happening, because they all let it go too far. 

I was told by my counselor, as long as the BPD stepson doesn't get any consequences, and the police have said this also, he will be controlling all of us with fear, and become more dangerous.

I noticed only one person has responded to my first post. It is like the last time, the last group, maybe I am a fool staying here at all to most. However,  I turned 60 years old this year, my husband is almost 70.  We are retired, and our savings are being eaten up by entitled medically and mentally ill adult children of 25 and 28. 

I really have no place to go even if I wanted to, my life right now, is tough to start over again at 60. I have financial security to stay here, and enjoy the time left with my husband, and we manage with dates for now.

I am from a dysfunctional family, but I was the caretaker of my alcoholic parents, so I made it. My siblings did OK too. Like I tell my oldest stepson and girls, I like Captain Pickard's quote, "I make it so"... .

So I stay for my husband, whom I love dearly, and knew him when his life wasn't so complicated, that happened from a nasty 30 year life with a BPD abusive, violent wife, which I didn't know how he suffered, till I saw him 20 years ago as a friend.

I see that same person, which happens when we are in the moment, and he likes to reflect on our vacation adventures the most, and we keep looking at google.earth, and go there for now. Our rocks we collect, help us cope, as does our books we read together, or share.

I think Randi's two books helped save my marriage, as did the other authors, like Dr. Frezetti, and even Mr. Dobbs, many others during my journey, helped, more than my paid for counselors, which I ended up not affording, and most wanted me to leave my marriage.

There is something to be said for self help these days, when you can get it instantly as an ebook.   
 
(Also on my last post, I repeated myself in a sentence, after talking about the stepson,saying 30 years etc. I didn't know him back then, he wasn't alive till the nineties, that was his father when we worked together and were friends.   I was really upset and should of wrote less maybe, and edited things more carefully.)

So today, I told my husband how I have had a hard time having to act like nothing happened, when his BPD son goes around us, gives his dad hugs, etc. acting like he did nothing wrong, and we are all suppose to not reject him after he abuses my husband, and that it seems really messed up him getting no consequences for his actions, etc.  So after I said that, I found out how my husband is coping and not reacting as much to the rages.

He says it is like his cancer in remission son who has been having seizures, these past months,  and is taken to the hospital. He is thinking his BPD son is like that, has a mentally ill seizure. I told him OK, that I can start thinking too. I told him that I have been working on the mindfulness way,( as has his other son with cancer. That way he doesn't get assaulted by his brother from a trigger also. ) So that is how it is for now. I am hoping my husband finds the right counselor that he can trust.

He still thinks the local mental health people abused his son by drugging him up too much. But they actually didn't, to me, he was scary and violent back then, and he was thought to have schizophrenia and manic depression, at first, then later schizoaffective disorder, which is how BPD starts before it is diagnosed I am seeing. They were more into triage, and getting that person ready for outpatient, and the BPD stepson was angry he could not think, which is wrong, he could not think about abusing us, and was nicer, and was more calm, even got a job when the drugs wore off because he wanted to support himself. Now it is like we owe him for his abuse there, dumbing his brain down, ruining his imaginary business, that had torn pages of collectible history books as his data on the floor in piles, and we took that away, and he hates us for that and his personal stuff, that was all moldy and smelled, and my husband asked me to clean it up, and it was disgusting. That was the reason for his abusing my things, wanting us to feel like he did, being helpless and not knowing what happened to his stuff, is his excuse for the abuse, and he also added he tried to kill himself before we returned. We stayed extra days, from a botched condo rental, losing half the week because of him and his brother, being scared of the situation left at home, and my husband said lets stay another two days till the end, not letting him control us, and we got back and my oldest cat got an colon infection from litter box abuse, and my house had feces and urine and both men refused to clean it up. It took me months to get my cat back to normal, and he still  has issues to this day from the abuse.

We had two counselors, my husband's for PTSD, try to tell him his son will end up trying to kill us. He has a lot of hatred for his father right now getting a lawyer, for the last domestic violence deferment, to put him in the institution to get DBT therapy because he is still not well, and he is so abusive at home when he wants money, and won't take responsibility for himself, thinking he is entitled for support after what we put him through.
I heard him say when everyone was gone outside, the first time they took him away, "I am going to torture you till you die!" and he made mocking oh no's etc after that when he was doing his voices, which he also did before he broke into our bedroom, according to his cancer patient brother, before he called the police.

Thank you for reading.

[catniptea]

Hi all,
While I was typing my first post, I found out later that afternoon, my husband was being verbally abused and threatened, again,  at our rental for 3 hours by his BPD son. My husband would not call  me like he usually does, that day, and I knew something was off. I called twice, for dinner plans,  which he told me doing that pissed off his BPD son ;he was afraid I would call the cops, which made things worse for him every time I did call. My husband didn't call the police this time, like he did two other times, because we were threatened during the last rage weeks ago, if we ever call the cops on the BPD son again, he would kill people, and I have this on video too, then the cops would find his dead body.
(The police advised me to video tape each encounter for now on to help us in court.)

My husband also told me that his son said he better listen to him, or he would threaten he would do things. Wasn't told what they were, but I did hear the suicide threat happened again during the rage. It was like he did it to test his father, who last time called the police on his son during a violent rage a few weeks ago, and also another week or so before that.

I am seeing that the BPD stepson does that when I am not around, because when he tried the last time at the home, months ago, I intervened, and kept it calm, saying things that centered the drama triangle, breaking it,  and I didn't know that till I read about it this week. I cause the BPD stepson lose control of us. The BPD stepson  had his father weeping, suffering, and it stops, when I get involved, which he doesn't like. After things calmed down though, before the BPD stepson left, he threatened to break in the house if we didn't keep the front door bolt off, which is what he was having a rage about. He said it inconvenienced him. His father told him we were scared of him hurting us, and didn't like him coming in the middle of the night waking us up either. He got his way, and is quiet most of the time, but he stomps down the stairs when he wants to show us he is there, which is really juvenile to say the least.

I hug my husband each time this happens, and try not to say anything, when he is upset like this.  He was scared, even though he says he isn't. He just needs to know I am there for him. Which is really hard, seeing him so abused like this, and I have to not say anything to his BPD son who walks around and acts like he is in charge of my home, us, and he did nothing wrong. When I have tried before, my husband abuses me and says I am abusing his BPD son rejecting him. He has got mad at his oldest also, and so they used to be close, and now that relationship has been damaged by the BPD son, and he seems happy about that, he always has been jealous of his successful oldest brother as it is.

So that next morning, my husband finally is starting to ask me the questions about how does  DBT  work, called Linehan's organization, and is looking into counselors. He also is hard on me about my new improvements, using them as tools to verbally abuse me when I say things he doesn't like, so he can control me, which I have to not react to, and become part of the drama triangle. Especially the caretaker role, he wants me to not mother him, I think, which is understandable. My husband is a really dominant type of guy, used to be a small business owner, and is used to running things. I used to work for him as his fiancée, so I can deal with that, but it is hard when it comes to seeing him upset and suffering, and not able to think straight, and seeming to have dementia starting, forgetting things, etc. I really have to be mindful when this situation is not getting any better, and the frustration my husband has, not being able to be heard by the mental health people, only caring about his mentally ill BPD son's rights and what he wants, and he wants to live with us, and what is going to happen when we are gone, etc.?  My husband thinks he can live with us as long as he wants, I want him gone if he can't control himself anymore, so I have to put up with his BPD stepson in my living space, or I was told to leave long ago. That isn't the case now, but it used to be.

So we can't even go on a vacation now until his BPD son is under control somehow, because he said we have to take him with us, or it isn't right. So he abused my cats with neglect, and killed my  fish overfeeding them, last time during the vacation, then his brother told on him, and then he abused his brother having a rage, and broke into my bedroom, like I mentioned before.

So my husband won't go on more than an overnighter, which we still haven't done yet, till this situation is fixed, and he is also worried for his cancer in remission son, being alone with this mentally ill BPD son, and being abused, or dying while we are gone because of the terminal illness he has is close to the end right now, making everyone here on edge. I am detaching as much as I can, but it is hard when so many suffer each day it seems like.

I love my husband very much. I feel his love when we are close, and we still function well as a couple, since I learned not to cause triggers and react to this BPD stepson's abuse.

But I realize from my caretaker role I played for years, which was unhealthy, thinking I am going to rescue him, this family from this mentally ill BPD stepson, somehow, someway, that my husband or his family cannot be saved from the pain he has, they all have,  from his violent BPD son. It is their family problem, not mine, and  I need to just be helpful as they want me too. Since I have got that mindset, I am less upset, and less abused myself.

I believe now that he has to have pain till he does something that he is afraid to do. It is like myself too, how much more can I take before I can't take it anymore either?
My husband has talked to me about this, he worries I will leave, the oldest son also. I promised everyone I won't be a hero and try to defend my husband anymore, it is like I am a guardian, watching over the family, but I will call the police if they end up with a bad violence happening, because they all let it go too far. 

I was told by my counselor, as long as the BPD stepson doesn't get any consequences, and the police have said this also, he will be controlling all of us with fear, and become more dangerous.

I noticed only one person has responded to my first post. It is like the last time, the last group, maybe I am a fool staying here at all to most. However,  I turned 60 years old this year, my husband is almost 70.  We are retired, and our savings are being eaten up by entitled medically and mentally ill adult children of 25 and 28. 

I really have no place to go even if I wanted to, my life right now, is tough to start over again at 60. I have financial security to stay here, and enjoy the time left with my husband, and we manage with dates for now.

I am from a dysfunctional family, but I was the caretaker of my alcoholic parents, so I made it. My siblings did OK too. Like I tell my oldest stepson and girls, I like Captain Pickard's quote, "I make it so"... .

So I stay for my husband, whom I love dearly, and knew him when his life wasn't so complicated, that happened from a nasty 30 year life with a BPD abusive, violent wife, which I didn't know how he suffered, till I saw him 20 years ago as a friend.

I see that same person, which happens when we are in the moment, and he likes to reflect on our vacation adventures the most, and we keep looking at google.earth, and go there for now. Our rocks we collect, help us cope, as does our books we read together, or share.

I think Randi's two books helped save my marriage, as did the other authors, like Dr. Frezetti, and even Mr. Dobbs, many others during my journey, helped, more than my paid for counselors, which I ended up not affording, and most wanted me to leave my marriage.

There is something to be said for self help these days, when you can get it instantly as an ebook.   
 
(Also on my last post, I repeated myself in a sentence, after talking about the stepson,saying 30 years etc. I didn't know him back then, he wasn't alive till the nineties, that was his father when we worked together and were friends.   I was really upset and should of wrote less maybe, and edited things more carefully.)

So today, I told my husband how I have had a hard time having to act like nothing happened, when his BPD son goes around us, gives his dad hugs, etc. acting like he did nothing wrong, and we are all suppose to not reject him after he abuses my husband, and that it seems really messed up him getting no consequences for his actions, etc.  So after I said that, I found out how my husband is coping and not reacting as much to the rages.

He says it is like his cancer in remission son who has been having seizures, these past months,  and is taken to the hospital. He is thinking his BPD son is like that, has a mentally ill seizure. I told him OK, that I can start thinking too. I told him that I have been working on the mindfulness way,( as has his other son with cancer. That way he doesn't get assaulted by his brother from a trigger also. ) So that is how it is for now. I am hoping my husband finds the right counselor that he can trust.

He still thinks the local mental health people abused his son by drugging him up too much. But they actually didn't, to me, he was scary and violent back then, and he was thought to have schizophrenia and manic depression, at first, then later schizoaffective disorder, which is how BPD starts before it is diagnosed I am seeing. They were more into triage, and getting that person ready for outpatient, and the BPD stepson was angry he could not think, which is wrong, he could not think about abusing us, and was nicer, and was more calm, even got a job when the drugs wore off because he wanted to support himself. Now it is like we owe him for his abuse there, dumbing his brain down, ruining his imaginary business, that had torn pages of collectible history books as his data on the floor in piles, and we took that away, and he hates us for that and his personal stuff, that was all moldy and smelled, and my husband asked me to clean it up, and it was disgusting. That was the reason for his abusing my things, wanting us to feel like he did, being helpless and not knowing what happened to his stuff, is his excuse for the abuse, and he also added he tried to kill himself before we returned. We stayed extra days, from a botched condo rental, losing half the week because of him and his brother, being scared of the situation left at home, and my husband said lets stay another two days till the end, not letting him control us, and we got back and my oldest cat got an colon infection from litter box abuse, and my house had feces and urine and both men refused to clean it up. It took me months to get my cat back to normal, and he still  has issues to this day from the abuse.

We had two counselors, my husband's for PTSD, try to tell him his son will end up trying to kill us. He has a lot of hatred for his father right now getting a lawyer, for the last domestic violence deferment, to put him in the institution to get DBT therapy because he is still not well, and he is so abusive at home when he wants money, and won't take responsibility for himself, thinking he is entitled for support after what we put him through.
I heard him say when everyone was gone outside, the first time they took him away, "I am going to torture you till you die!" and he made mocking oh no's etc after that when he was doing his voices, which he also did before he broke into our bedroom, according to his cancer patient brother, before he called the police.

Thank you for reading.

[livednlearned]

Hi catnipea,

I really admire how you are learning the skills and doing everything in your power to heal from within the family dynamic. It's not easy! It might be hardest thing I've ever done.

You mentioned above that not a lot of people responded to your first post, and I wonder if you might get more responses on the Parenting a Child with BPD board? It is always hard for those of us who have complex family dynamics, we are often on multiple boards, to reflect the different focuses of each of the boards. In many ways, you have the same challenges as a parent trying to apply DBT skills to an adult child with BPD. I spent a lot of time there at first trying to understand my son's issues, and then found myself in a step mother role to my partner's D20, who displays BPD traits. Both boards have helped in different ways.

There are parents on the Parenting board who have dealt with suicidal BPD children (D20 is also). I remember one parent recommending a book, I think it is called Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr that discusses SET skills specifically for suicidal BPD loved ones. Like you say, everything you need can be found in an ebook  Have you read that particular book? That SET skill has come in useful many times with D20, and helped my SO figure out a way to lovingly and firmly set boundaries.

There is no magic pill for any of this, unfortunately. You are making tiny little changes that are moving the ship in the right direction, and it is slow going, with two steps forward and one step back.

We are here to walk with you, catniptea.

You are not alone 

[catniptea]

 
Thanks Livedandlearned,
    I found the SET on this website, and it has done wonders already!  Been busy working with that since I posted.

The Karpman Triangle is more confusing to my husband, but we saw it in action the last time we had a crisis and I said something nice to his BPD son that got him to stop his looping and his usual rage. 

My husband finally admitted today, that the work his BPD adult son has been doing, takes longer than if my husband does the work himself, including this painting.
 
I got told that the BPD son would work himself up into a rage, and also as my husband calls it, claiming his turf at that rental, telling my husband how it is, who is the boss of this project, how he is going to do this or that, in great detail, before doing any work, if any,  and then getting angry more and more as he got nastier to his Dad. The BPD adult stepson usually works on the house at night, alone.  If he comes in the daytime, my husband doesn't want to be there anymore. I have to call my husband if he leaves the house now. 

My husband has been more receptive since I have taken responsibility also in that article on this site about conflict in a situation, and how you contribute to it, and I own up to my role, and now he is, and we are getting along so much more better!  Thanks again for that SET comment that led to that article being found too!