I guess I did the right thing?

[Petepinecone]

I'm extremely conflicted at the moment and don't know how to progress. Some back story.

2 to 3 years ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I suspected she had BPD and just couldn't take it anymore. I suspect that this relationship caused more trauma than I realized.

After we broke up she started dating somebody else pretty much right away. She also became addicted to narcotics and went to rehab. At some point we met again by accident and talked some. We've had some off and on again conversations since then and I've helped her with her, as of yet, undiagnosed BPD.

About 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, her boyfriend hit her, took her phone and keys, and then she lost her job from that night as she was a no call no show. Since then, she came to me for help. Not really financial but just standard emotional support. Before this point I would have called her one of my better friends so it wasn't outside the realm of normalcy for her to come to me.

So for the last few weeks I've been helping her with limits set up. I help her with gas so she can go to AA/NA meetings, I've gone to the doctor with her for support, and I'm on her safety plan.  Her rent is expensive because they split it and she's looking for a roommate. She has begged me over and over again to be her roommate but that's part of her grief loop. She, like others with BPD, attach strongly. I've told her no several times citing many sources. I told her it wouldn't be healthy for me, for her, I didn't want her to develop feelings for me, I didn't want to develop feelings for her (I was part of her loop and recognized this). It's just not a good idea all around. She would hop right back to her addictions as soon as our eventual relationship left the honeymoon phase.

The cycle goes like this: New relationship typically with a fixer upper (I'm the only one I'm aware of that had my crap together - not saying I'm without faults but it's the only part out of the norm of her cycle), huge attachment high, it dwindles, turn to food or drugs to get that high, BPD takes full control from relying on that high, break up, repeat. Her strongest desire is a family, hence why I ended up with the dog I have.

To put perspective on this, like most with BPD, she is a good person, smart, funny, etc. For more perspective, I'm not against dating her again but not until she's cut the cycle and the BS. My concern here is more that somebody else seems to be looking to abuse this.

Here's where it gets... .weird and describing this sounds stupid.

Her most recent ex and one of her old exes are friends. Or were. Or whatever.  I'm not with any of them. I don't know them, don't want to know them,  etc. Anyway, the two of them talked enough  to the point that the one that took her keys told the other one that he was going to be leaving her pretty soon.

About one week after the breakup, the old ex stumbles across my friend. The timing is ultra fishy to me. Turns out he's looking for work, is living with his parents, and doesn't have proper visitation rights with his daughter (as far as I can tell he's never really pressed for it until now?). The perfect fixer upper. Dog included.

Now, she denies that this is the case despite her asking him to move in. Every single thing points to a relationship relapse which would allow the entire cycle to continue. I've told her that this is Wyse it is and I'm not comfortable with the situation. I do not feel it in any parties best interest for her to even talk to the person. Of course, he's staying the night with her, has a key, etc. Literally don't care if they're having sex or not. My concern is with breaking this cycle she puts herself in. She's lying through omission about tons of stuff, posting things on social media and then deleting them when she realizes that it doesn't fit the story that she's trying to make for herself.  

I have told her every single day that I'm not ok with this and she's taken it for granted. So, I did what I felt I needed to do today and told her that I'll still be on her safety plan but I'm not going to do this support stuff because I feel that she's not actually doing anything to break the cycle. I refuse to accept behavior that I see as part of a relapse and my warnings have gone ignored.

I feel awful because she has done nothing but express true thanks to me (I know her well enough to know when she's lying or telling the truth). For me, it's emotionally draining to see her fall back in to this crap because she's made so much progress in the last year. Ever since her diagnosis she's tried and tried and tried and it isn't that her effort isn't good enough for me to help, it's that she's ignoring the trigger to all of her problems.

I just want her to get better... .

[believer55]

It must be hard for you to let go but I find this mantra helpful... .Let Go and Let God (God meaning whatever form you choose). It means to put faith in things working out the way they are supposed to without us trying to control the outcome. She is very lucky to have you as a support person but it sounds like you may make yourself sick with worry. Take a step back and look after you!

[DearHusband]

Pete, you the man.

You have achieved a healthy mix of compassion and principle. Watching your friend must be like watching a car crash in slow motion. I can understand how it would make you sick and how you would want to do something.

However, rescuing her on your own is probably not possible even if it were a good idea. Who else is in her support plan? Perhaps you can play a role without being the lead. 
 
Good luck,
DH

[Petepinecone]

We took a trip to a bookstore today and we talked at length about this. I'm not the only person who thinks it's a bad idea and she is very aware of the consequences of actions she may take. At the very least she has put up her own boundaries about the situation.

I bought a book about BPD, Walking on Eggshells, and am highlighting stuff for her to read when I'm done. She's going to highlight stuff for me to read.

Thanks for the words. I'll probably use this as a bit of a diary for myself as I go through this stuff.

ETA: I'll be getting her sisters phone number as she's another part of her support group.

[Notwendy]

I commend you for sticking to your boundaries, seeing the patterns in your friend and not moving in (enabling) with her, and not resuming a romantic relationship that you didn't want.

IMHO, you are still "doing too much" by trying to help her with her BPD - that is something that needs to be done by a skilled therapist. Not because helping is "wrong" but that it takes skill to not help in ways that are the best for her. It is also difficult to maintain your own boundaries in this situation- friends, family, are not objective or trained.

Your friend has addiction as well as possibly BPD. Staying "clean" is an important step, but after that, one has to address the issues and emotional patterns that led to the addiction. People involved with addicts also benefit from their own program- alanon, co-dependency 12 step groups are designed for that.

These programs are based on the original AA design. Back in the 50's the alcoholics were mostly men, with wives in a traditional marriage. They found that it was possible to help the men stay sober, but the wives were making the men worse. This was a puzzle- how could these kind, loving, supportive wives be making their husbands worse? The answer was that the wives were enabling. They were caring and loving, but the enabling aspect of their care was not good for their husbands.

Decades later, we know that addiction is not exclusive to men, and that enabling is not exclusive to wives. Friends, family, and anyone who cares about an addict is a potential enabler. The programs for families and friends teach them how to be loving in a way that doesn't enable, and one way is for them to take care of themselves and have boundaries, like you have. I would caution anyone who cares about an addict to join this type of program if they wish to help.

[formflier]

I commend you for wanting to help a person in need.

I want to amplify a concern that Notwendy wrote about.  I would want YOU to be guided by a skilled therapist as you make decisions about how to best support your friend.

Many of the best actions/strategies are counter-intuitive. 

In other words, I am very concerned that what to you and most of us might "seem like a good idea", are actually preventing or "handicapping" a person from maturing and dealing with long standing patterns and issues in their life.

Do you understand this concern?  What are your thoughts on how to avoid doing more harm than good?

To be clear... .I don't see enough information in your story to make any kind of judgment about whether or not you are hurting or helping.  I do see enough that interests me in getting a fuller understanding.

Thanks for caring... .it's obvious your heart is in the right place.  Very commendable.
FF