Fiance/Ex-Fiance BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I have been with my fiance/ex-fiance for two years. He has not been diagnosed, but all the symptoms are there. The deep fear of abandonment, the impulsive spending, driving, black and white thinking, object constancy, push/pull, suicide attempts, etc. Our relationship started really fast. He asked me to marry him after only a few weeks. I said I needed more time, but things still continued to move very quickly and he started saying "I love you" "I'll never leave you" "You're the only one for me" really early on. A few months into the relationship, I noticed he started getting upset a lot if I needed to get off the phone or was unavailable to talk. Constant calling and texting, doubting if I loved him or cared about him, guilt-tripping me about problems in his life, and pressuring me into taking next steps such as moving in, marriage, and combining finances. If I was hesitant or said I needed more time, he would say I just didn't love him enough, and that I was selfish. I ended up isolating from a lot of my friends because he would just pressure me into canceling my plans with them and hanging out with him instead. Anyways, our entire relationship was very intense and turbulent, but I recently moved in with him and shortly afterwards discovered that he was on multiple dating sites, and had sent messages to many women asking them out and/or propositioning for sex. I didn't have any proof that he actually met any of them because most of them hadn't responded yet, and a few of them had turned him down. He said that he didn't intend on actually meeting with any of them, but that he just wanted to feel loved and appreciated and to know that people liked him, but to me, the trust was broken. I moved out, but since then we have spoken a few times and I am finding it very difficult to stay separate because I miss him so so so much. He threatened suicide when I broke up with him, but thankfully didn't try. He has attempted it in the past. He has been relentlessly trying to get me back, crying that he can't live without me, etc. I feel so lost and confused. I'm so hurt by everything and angry at him and yet I miss him. I know the relationship was 100% unhealthy, but I can't forget all the plans we made, how we would always be together, the children we would have, etc. He was so sweet and loving at times. I don't know what to do.

[LilBirdie]

Hi, I have been with my fiance/ex-fiance for two years. He has not been diagnosed, but all the symptoms are there. The deep fear of abandonment, the impulsive spending, driving, black and white thinking, object constancy, push/pull, suicide attempts, etc. Our relationship started really fast. He asked me to marry him after only a few weeks. I said I needed more time, but things still continued to move very quickly and he started saying "I love you" "I'll never leave you" "You're the only one for me" really early on. A few months into the relationship, I noticed he started getting upset a lot if I needed to get off the phone or was unavailable to talk. Constant calling and texting, doubting if I loved him or cared about him, guilt-tripping me about problems in his life, and pressuring me into taking next steps such as moving in, marriage, and combining finances. If I was hesitant or said I needed more time, he would say I just didn't love him enough, and that I was selfish. I ended up isolating from a lot of my friends because he would just pressure me into canceling my plans with them and hanging out with him instead. Anyways, our entire relationship was very intense and turbulent, but I recently moved in with him and shortly afterwards discovered that he was on multiple dating sites, and had sent messages to many women asking them out and/or propositioning for sex. I didn't have any proof that he actually met any of them because most of them hadn't responded yet, and a few of them had turned him down. He said that he didn't intend on actually meeting with any of them, but that he just wanted to feel loved and appreciated and to know that people liked him, but to me, the trust was broken. I moved out, but since then we have spoken a few times and I am finding it very difficult to stay separate because I miss him so so so much. He threatened suicide when I broke up with him, but thankfully didn't try. He has attempted it in the past. He has been relentlessly trying to get me back, crying that he can't live without me, etc. I feel so lost and confused. I'm so hurt by everything and angry at him and yet I miss him. I know the relationship was 100% unhealthy, but I can't forget all the plans we made, how we would always be together, the children we would have, etc. He was so sweet and loving at times. I don't know what to do.

[JoeBPD81]

 Hi,  LilBirdie , Welcome to the family.

We are all too familiar with your doubts, I'm sorry you've been suffering. Most of us wonder if something is wrong with us for wanting to stay/go back to this relationships. But it's not, we see a really valuable person behind a dissorder, the person is not the disorder.

It's OK to have these feelings, and it's OK to not know what to do. Unfortunately, we don't have an answer. You'll see it in time for yourself. Maybe reading the boards you can picture what to expect. And also what would it take from him to convince you that you should invest in a relationship with him. Maybe therapy.

If you were to decide to go back, there is a lot of tools to make the experience better, to minimize conflict, and to set boundaries that protect yourself. And you'll have a place to talk about it where people will understand your problems.

Cheating is what you and your partner decide it is. The most restrictive version of those. For some couples flirting is OK, for others even more, for others less, as long as the same restrictions apply to both. His behavior doesn't sound OK to me, maybe it could for someone else. Anyway, he can't dismiss your feelings about it. That is something that would have to be addressed and changed. In my humble opinion. You didn't overreacted. The least he can do after this is to give you time. Threatening suicide is not OK either.

You can say: I miss you, and I know you are suffering, but if I give you a chance, you'll agree that it can't be because I fear that you'd kill yourself if I don't. I need to be cleared of that fear to be able to think straight. If you love me, this is what I need from you.

I hope you feel better soon. I know break-ups are the worst. Take care.

[LilBirdie]

Thanks for your response. Yes, we had established early on in the relationship that we had a strict definition of cheating, and that infidelity included much more than just physically getting with another person. That's why there was such a sense of betrayal.

I am currently in counseling to process everything, and am deciding between a) cutting off the relationship completely and b) considering re-entering the relationship after several months of us both going to therapy. Without my having even mentioned BPD, my therapist brought BPD up after I described our relationship and breakup. He is very knowledgable about BPD. I think the counseling will help me clarify things, but I know have to ultimately make the decision myself.

Thanks again.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, LilBirdie,
I'm glad you found a nice counselor. We all deserve to be happy  and to take care of ourselves. I hope you stay strong during this difficult time