visitation only allowed in childrens home town

[soundofmusicgirl]

Has anyone here ever heard or have it ordered that a previous visitation schedule where the children were allowed to visit one parent during school breaks in their home was changed to where the parent was only allowed to visit the children in their home town?

BPDxw has recently filed a temporary motion to have our current court order amended to where the children don't get to visit DH and me in our home but where DH should visit them for 4 weeks in their home town.

The kids have come to visit us in our home over the last 2 years and have enjoyed it. BPDxw states as main reason that they have behavioural therapy once a week that would be a "disaster" for them to miss.

I personally do not believe that a judge would reverse a visitation order for that.
I would also like to believe that a judge would understand that no working person can take off work for 4 weeks (which is currently the summer visitation schedule) to go and visit the children in their home town. It would also further prevent the children from ever seeing any family that does not live in town.

But my personal feelings aside, court is always a gamble and sometimes the unexpected does happen.

[david]

How old are the children ?

[ForeverDad]

That attempt is unlikely to succeed if you oppose it.  (If not opposed court might rubber stamp it.)  It would cause unnecessary hardship on your family.  You'd have to find temporary accommodations in their town for a month.  It's not good to now have to host the kids in hotel rooms.  And as you noted, DH can't be away from work that long.

If it has been established practice for the past two years then the ex would have an uphill challenge to show cause (document) why the change is needed.  And she almost certainly can't do that.  She can file but I can't imagine why it would be granted.  I'd imagine your response to the motion is to claim it would be obstructive of his parenting.

If I had to estimate odds, I'd say it could be dismissed outright.

[soundofmusicgirl]

David, the children will be 11 this summer.

ForeverDad, I also think it will be an uphill battle for her. Especially if we can show that from the get go 4 years ago she has always wanted the kids to not travel to our home and that she has been trying ever since to find ways to achieve that.

[GaGrl]

She might attempt to involve their T to say that the travel to you and DH is emotionally/psychologically harmful, based on all the "diagnoses" that have been coming their way.  This might be an opportunity for your DH to get another, more objective T involved for a second opinion.

[david]

At 11 I can't see how the courts would have a problem with the established pattern. Ex would have to have a pretty good reason to change things. Four years is a pretty good pattern with no harm.
I live about 45 minutes from ex and their school. I have 50/50 and ex tried to give me less time because of the distance. Ex was only able to say show was concerned because of the distance but couldn't show any harm for them because of the distance.
My ex got our boys in therapy in the beginning. I went with them without ex. The first time I went both boys were maniacs in her office. I never saw that kind of behavior and said so to the therapist. I had a talk with them after we left. The next time we went they were acting the way they normally act. The therapist said she never seen them this way before. I told her that this is the way they are with me all the time except for that first meeting. We went a few more times and the therapist indicated she saw no issues with the boys and me but thought that ex and the boys still needed to come. That said everything I needed to hear.

[Thunderstruck]

Are you close enough that you guys could take them to therapy? Isn't this the nightmare therapist that hasn't even met with dad?

Maybe you could offer up phone sessions or ask the therapist for a recommended counselor in your hometown that the boys could see for those four weeks?

That is just so unreasonable. But I get what you're saying, sometimes very unreasonable things are allowed to happen in family court.

[soundofmusicgirl]

David, yes that is exactly what she has been citing since day 1: the distance is too great for them to understand how stressful travel would be and that their mom would not be with them 24/7.
The T from hell has also cited that the kids are crazy and the littlest deviation from their routine will completely set them off.

@Thunderstruck, yes... this is the T from hell that has never met with my DH and refuses to provide any communication.
My Dh just offered that he would be open to skype sessions while the kids are with us. Problem is that I fear that BPDxw would then be in T from hells office skyping with the kids and T.

The funny thing is that we also do not see the kids acting crazy with us. It takes them a few days to get settled and realise that all the crap that BPDxw has been telling them about their journey and their time with us is not real. Also since BPDxw has daily phone calls with them we never tell the kids what we will be doing that day until after they talked to mom. In the past she has always found a way to discourage the kids from wanting to do any activities we suggest. We have been doing this for 2 years now and the kids have absolutely no problem with it. They do not show any anxiety over not knowing the exact plans for the day.

[david]

My ex stopped taking the boys to that therapist. She then tried to take them to another one.My guess is she realized that T figured her out. I tried to make an appointment with that T with our boys and was told no. We had a parent coordinator at the time. I brought the issue up to the coordinator. The coordinator gave me 48 hours to contact the new T and get back to the coordinator on what happened. I already did that so I sent an email this time. At first, I simply asked about their services. The reply was vague and wanted to know who I was. I replied by letting them know. They stopped all communication with me. I sent those emails to the coordinator. Ex was not allowed to take them to any therapist that would not include me.
My personal belief is that a therapist needs to see all the people involved before being able to make a decision on who was helpful and who was harmful for the children.

[ForeverDad]

If it is already a matter for the court to respond to, would it be appropriate to counter file asking for a new therapist and if opposed then trigger a custody evaluation?

Of course you would need to be prepared with vetted therapists and evaluators.  Experienced, unbiased, proven track records, solid reputations.

Many here have sought Custody Evaluations.  The results have been varied, ranging from horrendous to validating.  They're also one of the more expensive steps in a high conflict divorce and take at least a few months and often much longer.  (An extreme example is one member here, Thunderstruck, has been waiting over 2 years for her CE to provide a report!)  To lower the risk of a poor CE report, you need to be proactive, you can't ask for one and then sit back.  You can't wait for surprises and then try to fix the mistakes.  You need solid and appropriate proactive strategies.  Here is a quote with some basics, starting with stacking the deck with good cards, er, evaluators.

How to get a good CE?  Better phrased, How do you ensure the ex doesn't choose a poor CE?  One approach described here that has worked for many is for you or your lawyer to research and make a short list of solid evaluators, then have the ex or ex's lawyer to select from that vetted list.  Court will like that since it lets both sides have a part in the selection.  But of course the key is to limit the choices to the better CEs, something you can do as a part of your strategies for success (or at least limit the downsides).