Advice concerning my BPDd15

[SylverFyre]

Sorry this post is so long, but it's my first one, so I figured a little backstory would go a long way. Plus, I'm somewhat in panic mode, at the moment. I'm normally okay, but I really feel the need to share and hopefully get some advice right now. I have a daughter, BPDd15, and her behavior is escalating. She seems to be jumping on every impulse she has, lately.

BPDd15's father and I were never stable, nor were we good for one another. Because of that instability, we lived with his parents from the time BPDd15 was born, until I finally had the courage to leave, in 2010. His parents actively alienated and invalidated us as BPDd15 's parents, every chance they could; they still do, even though BPDd15 's grandmother's idea of a "parenting style" is enabling, demonizing the person she enabled for what she made possible, along with histrionics, threats, and verbal abuse, followed by monetary gifts and more enabling, as a way of apologizing for her own bad behavior.

Although she had been living with me, in 2014, she decided that she wanted to move back in with the grandmother and began manipulating all of us so that she could do so.  Several "anonymous" calls were made to DFCS because BPDd15 had begun telling people I was starving and abusing her. She managed to convince the grandmother and her father to seize emergency custody from me, as soon as she found out that I was looking into a residential treatment facility for her. I chose to fight to keep custody, but let her live with the grandmother again, anyway, in an attempt to shield her 4-year-old brother from her behavior and from DFCS.

While living with the grandmother, her behavior escalated even further. She continued the cutting, began doing drugs, including marijuana, meth, and opiates. Plus, she was arrested twice. Once for stealing the grandmother's car and once for shoplifting.

In the last two months, she's quit school again, had sex with four or five people, snuck around to hang out with her violent ex, who has threatened to kill us, himself, and her. He is a meth addict, and she was doing meth with him. Because I told her that she wasn't allowed to go out for two weeks, she went to the grandmother's. She even called me from there to tell me that she was "following my restriction."

While at the grandmother's, of course the grandmother let her go out. Although the grandmother and I had an agreement that no one was to drive BPDd15 , except she and I, the grandmother didn't want to pick BPDd15 up as late as BPDd15 wanted to stay out. Instead of insisting BPDd15 come home at an appropriate time, the grandmother said someone else could bring her home. BPDd15 took that opportunity to leave the house she was supposed to be at, go to an abandoned property, which she possibly vandalized, set a Ouija board on fire, drank, did drugs, and took pictures of herself and her friends with guns, including an assault rifle. The grandmother found out, from the pictures, and brought her back home, but only after threatening to call the police and DFCS on me (because it was totally my fault).

She only managed to stay home 2 days.

The night before she HAD to go back to school, before she'd miss too many days and have to be removed, to be "homeschooled" again, she drank a whole bottle of gin, cut herself up and called the grandmother to pick her up in the middle of the night - of course, the grandmother did NOT tell me, so we awoke to her missing.

Only a day later, the grandmother once again let her go out, to a kid's house that we think might be okay, specifying that she needed to be home by midnight. Instead, BPDd15 disappeared for 12 hours, and, when she finally answered her phone, refused to tell me where she was at or who she was with, but she did tell me that she'd done LSD, and that she'd meet me at Walmart and come home with me.

The next visit to the grandmother's resulted in the grandmother GIVING BPDd15 her debit card and expecting BPDd15 to only get $40 out of her account. BPDd15 tells me that, instead, she sold the card, to go on a six day Adderrall bender. No one at the grandmother's house, not one of the 4, noticed that she was jacked up, until the fifth day, right before she came home.

When BPDd15 came home and told me all of this (she does normally tell me what she's been up to, for some weird reason, afterward... .I think it's because I stay calm, no matter what she tells me), and told me she was "done," I told her that she wasn't going anywhere for a while, and that she was no longer going to bounce houses, to continue her chaos. She could visit the grandmother, but not to stay, not for any length of time. She has concrete expectations and boundaries here. I did let her friends visit her here, which infuriates my husband, but, if BPDd15 doesn't have people around her for any significant amount of time, she will REALLY flip. I figure it's safer to have them here.

That was 2 weeks ago. She's been doing relatively well, even picking up after herself a bit! So, last night, I let her go to a friend's house for the first time, but not without laying out what I expect from her.

1. Stay where you're supposed to be. I want to know if you even run to the store or walk next door. 2. I need to know exactly where you're at and who you are with 24/7. You are 15, and it's my job to know. If any of your other friends "decide to stop by," I need to know that, too. Just call me or text me. She did, too, for the first half of the day, she called me when they went to the gas station!

At about 8 last night, I began to hear notifications on my Kindle. When I unlocked it, her Messenger was still up, from when she had logged on, before she left. Not only was she leaving the house that she was at, to go to the movies with a group of 18-20's, which she hadn't called and asked about, someone had messaged her, offering her some LSD, to which she replied, "No, I probably shouldn't, I just got some Adderrall!" To top it off, she called me this morning, to tell me the grandmother wanted to take her into the city. I allowed it, because I have NO idea what to say to her or what to do. I'm at a loss. I know not to lose my calm. She counts on me not to. I help to keep her calm. Should I even let her know that I know? I know that I ought to expect and be prepared for her risky, impulsive behavior, but I was honestly heartbroken. Every boundary we try to set for her, she immediately crosses.

Your thoughts on the matter will be truly appreciated. She's coming home tomorrow, and I need a plan. Knowing her, she may even tell me what she did, herself. Thank you, in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi sylverfyre

First of all, a massive welcome to you. Thanks so much for posting and providing some background. I'm so very sorry to learn about your troubles. It's just exhausting trying to cope with all of it and you're understandably very worried about your daughter.

You're absolutely right about staying calm. Hats off to you because when my DS26 was 15 and pushing out I just reeled and bounced around making things worse. The fact that your daughter tells you what's going on (after the event) shows she trusts you. That my friend is worth its weight in gold. it's a win win because she needs somebody to look to for emotional support (a constant) and the knowledge gives you power. When we know better, we do better.

I want to say how important consequences are. I never allowed my DS to suffer the consequences of his actions and I can see this stunted his development. We all learn by our mistakes. I can see though that your daughter's behaviour is escalating and getting herself way in too deep. There's other parents in the forum of teenage girls and I know you'll gain much from reading about their experiences. You've come to the right place.

Your situation is complicated as your daughter has three people to bounce to. It must be so infuriating for you. You know what she needs but you're just not going to be able to achieve it unless her father and grandmother agree and also have the skills to deal with her.

Here's a link that might help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD (Start Here) if you haven't already. The more I learned the less I reacted. When I'm stumped or just want to vent I post just as you did.

It's baby steps, nothing has to be done today. I hope you get yourself some balance back so you can think things through more calmly. To make a plan takes time, keep it as simple as possible and focussed. It helped me immensely to not sweat the small stuff.

Baby steps. We inch forwards together.

Hugs

LP

[SylverFyre]

Thank you for the welcome and for the link, Lollypop.

I chose not to say anything about D15's decision to withhold information from me, even though I really wanted to. I guess she'll tell me about it when she's ready. I think that I was actually more anxious about the possibility of fighting with her than I was the behavior itself. Normally, my H insists that I say/do something about whatever it is that she's done. Mostly, I think, because other people think we're supposed to, somehow. I'm not sure that there's any logical consequences that I could enforce with her, anyway, other than continuing to insist that I won't take her anywhere and if she gets into someone else's car, without my permission, there will be consequences for both of them, because I will call the police.

D15 has never had to suffer the consequences of her actions because her worst behaviors happen at her grandmother's. Although they know better, they won't stop taking her where she wants to go and giving her money (then overreacting and persecuting her when she does exactly as she normally does). They won't communicate with me or get on the same page as me, and her father really doesn't have much to do with her. The only thing that I feel that I can do now is to push for residential treatment.

One thing terrifies me, though. I'm afraid that her behavior will result in the removal of my S4 from my home. DFCS is already involved, because of her refusal to attend school, (they also want her to go to residential) and I am scared that my lack of ability to "control" her will somehow result in his removal. I don't know if that is a valid fear or an irrational one.

I'm glad that I can just vent here. It's not often that I feel the need to do so, but just the act of typing all of that out helped me to get a better handle on things. I've been dealing with this for 3 years and I'm constantly educating myself, but sometimes the stress just sneaks up and grabs me.

So much thanks and hugs

SylverFae

[heartandwhole]

Hi SylverFyre,

I'd like to join   Lollypop in welcoming you to the community. I'm sorry that things are so difficult right now with your daughter. I can understand feeling in panic mode. I'm sure in your shoes, I'd feel the same.   You've found a great place for support, where members understand what you are going through.

One thing terrifies me, though. I'm afraid that her behavior will result in the removal of my S4 from my home. DFCS is already involved, because of her refusal to attend school, (they also want her to go to residential) and I am scared that my lack of ability to "control" her will somehow result in his removal. I don't know if that is a valid fear or an irrational one.

I can understand feeling worried about this—it makes sense, given the impulsive behavior your daughter has exhibited. I'd bet, however, that DFCS is looking at the unique situation you have with your daughter, and not conflating your inability to "control" your 15 year-old (who can?) with how you are raising your son. The fact that they are pushing for residential treatment shows that they understand that there are mental health issues contributing to the situation. 

I'm glad that I can just vent here. It's not often that I feel the need to do so, but just the act of typing all of that out helped me to get a better handle on things. I've been dealing with this for 3 years and I'm constantly educating myself, but sometimes the stress just sneaks up and grabs me.

I know it's a mother's job to worry, but please do take care of yourself, SylverFyre. I hope you are putting on your oxygen mask first.   When I experience elevated stress levels, I do my best to do something nurturing for myself. If I'm short on time, even sitting in the garden for a few minutes listening to the birdsong can calm me.

Do you have something you do to help you during times like these?

Keep posting. Things can get better. We're here to walk with you.

heartandwhole