My son

[lucylucille]

We have a 40 year old son who moved back home after breaking up with his second serious girl friend. He definently exhibits BPD traits but has not been diagnosed.He has a occasional ( 2 times a week approx.) drinking problem and just quit his job 2 months ago.  I finally got him to agree to see a psychologists with me (his mother) and he went two sessions and had a serious panic attack after the second one and said he wasn't going back.We went together because his father pretty much avoids the subject and doesn't like to acknowledge there is a problem.My son has some crazy beliefs and gets very obnoxious, we get into exhausting discussions and arguments that just go around in circles.I offered for him to pick any psychologist he wanted and we would pay what insurance doesn't pay. He refused and after a nerve racking evening when he was drunk I just told him I didn't want to be around him like that. He wrote a note next day saying he was sorry and would try to find a job and move out by June 1. He has had wrecks driving drunk , has depression, anxiety, anger, some narcissistic traits. I'm afraid he is never going to get better, in fact I asked him did he like being miserable and he said he must.Ive had to accept its up tp him and let go and let God have control, He loves my son as much and more than I do and I have to trust Him according to His will.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there lucylucille

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you've found us but extremely sorry to learn about your son and his problems.

Although younger than your son, my DS26 lives at home with us and was also very reluctant to take responsibility for himself and his well-being. I got back to basics with him and focussed on improving our core relationship. Being in this forum has saved my family.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD (top right hand side of this page). I found the more I learned, the less I reacted to my DS.  This was key in getting a more calm environment in my home. I've learnt a better way to interact with my DS through effective communication and validation skills. I don't get into those circular discussions any more! It's been 18 months and we are in a very different place now.

My DS has only just started to think about treatment. I believe he has to be fully committed for it to be worthwhile and he's just not been ready.  Sadly, there's no quick fixes.

Have you agreed for you son to stay with you indefinitely while he tries to get his life back together or is there an agreed deadline?  I'm trying to understand a bit more about your situation.

Baby steps. Please remember to take care of yourself.

LP