How to support?

[Ms. P]

Hello BPD Family,

This post is long overdue and I wish I would have reached out sooner. To summarize I am a female in my late 40's and have been with my SO for 10 years, who I know for sure has been diagnosed with depression ( I think he also has BPD)  My boyfriend ( I guess now my ex) broke up with me a little over a week ago. Let me rewind a little and I will try to make this as short as possible.  My SO has been depressed probably most of his life, he had a childhood that stemmed from adoption and abuse (sexual, physical and mental) from his adopted family (mind you I did not learn this until years later). He has a very negative outlook on life and pretty much isolates himself from the world.  Early on in our relationship I noticed something was off with trusting and insecurity but chalked it up to past relationships and just getting older and things change within a persons life. Things were great for a while and then little episodes started to occur where he would accuse me of cheating and random remarks about me not carrying and me talking down to him. Again, since I am very confident in who I am I thought it was something we just had to work through. As time when on the issues started getting worse and we would have break ups for short periods of time and then get back together. Why u ask. I am still trying to figure that out. My boyfriend doesn't have rage or substance abuse issues or is abusive to me in any kind of way. In fact we have a great time, we enjoy the same things and love to travel.  What happens when he has an episode is that he tends to withdrawl to the point it turns into the silent treatment and everything is my fault, I don't care, I dont love him, I talk down to him.   Over the years I have learned to deal with this but at times it does get to me. 

Fast forward to the past year, he has been in treatment and anti-depressants and things were great up until 3 mths ago things went downhill fast. We had been talking about me going to his therapy, but I had not yet made it.  He was givin some news on his health in March and had started a medication that has sent him in a downward spiral quick. He has withdrawn and looks like crap. I have dealt with this before and know to give him space but still let him know I am here. After not hearing from him for 2 days I went by his apartment to check on him as I pulled up to his place  he pulled up and asked what I was doing there. I explained I hadn't heard from him and wanted to check on him since the meds had been affecting him. He said he was fine and proceeded to state he was sorry that I was worrying about him. I then asked what was going on and he looked away and said I can't do this anymore, my response was ok.  I didn't argue then I proceed to retrieve my things from his apartment. I knew he was in a depressed mode and to be honest I was tired of being on this rollercoaster.  Was I hurt? Heck yeah! I have stuck with him and now this.

Right now I am really confused because we do communicate and he even reminded of his upcoming therapy appointment, which I take he still wants me to attend.  Call me crazy but I do love him and care about his well being but at the same time I am exhausted.  I do want to be a support to him at this point and will just see where things go. It's as if he doesn't realize he broke up with me I have since started my own counseling to try and keep myself healthy. I guess the questions I have is do I go to his therapy with him still? Is he aware of what he said and did he mean it ( or is the depression)? Should I just walk away and focus of on me?

I have read several stories on this forum and see different responses. I am a very strong and caring person as this is how I was raised. And I really don't want to abandon him (because that is what he is expecting) because of his illness.

Sorry for the long winded story I tried to give you the cliff notes. Any questions please feel free to ask.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi Ms. P

I'm adopted,  and can relate to the withdrawing on his side. When my mother adopted me at 2.5, she was my third parental caregiver.

I can't speak for him,  but my feeling is that everyone will let me down. Backing up, I have several relationships with friends going back 20 to 30 years. I'm not even close to being BPD (thus saith my therapist), I'm just offering perspective.

I won't judge you about telling you to walk away or stay. I had 2 kids with my undiagnosed with BPD ex (but diagnosed with depression and anxiety) after all. A question may be,  what are you willing to do in order to keep him on your life? As frustrating and painful as his behaviors are,  there is a path,  which involves understanding BPD, and also what we can do (as well as radical acceptance and defining our own boundaries on a healthy way for us).,

I'll direct you to the lessons to the right of the board to start.  Take a look and please ask any and all questions. We are here to support 




Turkish