The Toothbrush and The Key

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I spent most nights at her place for the entire relationship.  My kids were grown, and she felt more comfortable in her home.

After only knowing her for 3 weeks, she presented me with a gift.  It was contained in a small jewelry box designed to hold a ring.  It was a key to her apartment.  I was kind of surprised for a couple of reasons.  First, it was very early on.  Secondly, I didn't really want to exchange keys... .  At least yet.  I remember she was disappointed that I wasn't more joyful about the gift, and said so.  I felt like I truly disappointed her.  She went on to tell me that she bought a toothbrush and hung it over her sink in the bathroom.  I said, "Thank you so much!"  30 minutes later we are sharing the bathroom prior to work.  I bring in my toiletry bag and pull out a toothbrush, forgetting that she had just bought me one.  At the sight of this, she grabbed the toothbrush she bought for me and dramatically threw it in the garbage can.  I said, "Why did you do that?  I forgot it was there?  Why are you OVERREACTING?"  She tells me that it's me who is overreacting and that I made it clear that I didn't respect her gift.  I began feeling already that this was a tough woman to satisfy emotionally.

I saw her today when I was driving to my office.  She pulled up next to me, rolled the window down, and asked me how I'm doing.  She looked very happy.  This is most likely due to the new man in her life.  8 days ago we woke in each others arms on her couch.  I miss her and would do anything to be with her again.  I keep telling myself this is all my fault.

[Helplessly]

I spent most nights at her place for the entire relationship.  My kids were grown, and she felt more comfortable in her home.

After only knowing her for 3 weeks, she presented me with a gift.  It was contained in a small jewelry box designed to hold a ring.  It was a key to her apartment.  I was kind of surprised for a couple of reasons.  First, it was very early on.  Secondly, I didn't really want to exchange keys... .  At least yet.  I remember she was disappointed that I wasn't more joyful about the gift, and said so.  I felt like I truly disappointed her.  She went on to tell me that she bought a toothbrush and hung it over her sink in the bathroom.  I said, "Thank you so much!"  30 minutes later we are sharing the bathroom prior to work.  I bring in my toiletry bag and pull out a toothbrush, forgetting that she had just bought me one.  At the sight of this, she grabbed the toothbrush she bought for me and dramatically threw it in the garbage can.  I said, "Why did you do that?  I forgot it was there?  Why are you OVERREACTING?"  She tells me that it's me who is overreacting and that I made it clear that I didn't respect her gift.  I began feeling already that this was a tough woman to satisfy emotionally.

I saw her today when I was driving to my office.  She pulled up next to me, rolled the window down, and asked me how I'm doing.  She looked very happy.  This is most likely due to the new man in her life.  8 days ago we woke in each others arms on her couch.  I miss her and would do anything to be with her again.  I keep telling myself this is all my fault.

[40days_in_desert]

Hello Helplessly. I think it is safe to say that everyone on this site is struggling or has struggled with pain from their relationship. I would like to offer my input on your post that may help. I am not a professional but have been there where I felt that I was the one to blame for all or at least most of the problems. Learning more about BPD has helped me see "why" things turned out the way they did. Not to claim innocence and place blame on my ex. Looking at specific interactions, I first (humbly) look and see if there was any fault on my part without considering her often extreme reaction to me. If I had any fault, I consider whether I instigated and/or did I escalate. In other words, did I do/say something intentionally or not that should have been done or said differently and did that instigate the response? Then I look at her reaction to see if it was appropriate if I did have fault or if I did not have fault. It may help to keep a journal to be able to look back and refer to. Write the interactions down as soon as you can but in a place where she doesn't see you.
In what you posted, her reaction was inappropriate whether you simply forgot (which is normal) or intentionally dismissed the toothbrush that she bought for you. I'm not implying that you did intentionally dismiss her gift, just playing devil's advocate. It seems that she "assigned" your motive to what took place. That's just my interpretation and of course I have no way of knowing what was going through her mind at the time.
As you may already know, asking her why she was overreacting is a big trigger for her. I was guilty of statements like this. You get confused because the response doesn't seem to fit the situation. This is telling her that what she is feeling isn't real. Even though your motive wasn't to disrespect her gift. Her feelings about it are real nonetheless. Don't beat yourself up. You're human and had no idea all that was going on. None of us did at one time. Learn and grow from it my friend.

[Helplessly]

40 Days in the Desert... I agree wholeheartedly.  I just got back from my therapist and she was telling me that I need to start being a little angry at my ex for her part in the relationship.  It's hard for me right now.  If my ex invited me to meet her I would skip my own funeral to get to her.  I would do anything and everything differently to try again.  I just miss her so much.

But my brain knows that there are no more boundaries for me to erase in order to appease her

If you could see who I was before and who I am now, you'd be shocked.  I am the inverse version of the confident guy with a hint of swagger and full of optimism.  I pretty much take no crap from friends or in past relationships.  Why now? 

It's funny.  Seeing her on the way to work today I noticed a little added flakiness.  Brought me back to the beginning when my radar was going off the charts.

[40days_in_desert]

My therapist had told me the same thing two years ago. What I struggled with was thinking if I stopped focusing on her faults and contributions to the demise of our relationship, that it meant that she wasn't at fault. Not true of course but you couldn't tell me that back then. What did happen after focusing on myself, I started to take on all of the blame and view her as the victim. My therapist helped slow this pendulum swing to where I could focus on me and that eventually led to an understanding of what she suffers from, not blame because of it.
On the confidence part, you and I could have been carbon copies. There isn't a person that would have used the word insecure and my name in the same sentence. What I did find is that I did have a deep insecurity and not feeling good enough. Even though I excelled in my career, sports and other areas, I know that I had this fear like it was all going to go away. I thought it was a healthy way to motivate me to work hard(er) but the problem is that I sacrificed time with family, friends and fun things that I liked to do in the process so it wasn't healthy. I've come a long way since then but will deal with it for a long time. I have a much more balanced life now.