11 months out

[jinglebells1989]

So I'm 11 months out from this breakup with a girl who I think had BPD/npd, some type of combination of both, etc.

I have been having a few more good days then bad and I look back on how distraught I was when she left me and I sometimes can't believe I was that same person. I cannot believe how hard I took the breakup and I'm now often asking myself why did I react the way I did?

Is there a term for this? For example, no longer feeling bad or angry or having hatred for that person but still realizing that what they did was abnormal and not right?

It's almost like I see her from a third party view now. I know what she is capable of but I can't believe it affected me the way it did. I guess it would have to do with the fact that I really did love her at the time and still have fond memories of her but I am just shocked at how much of a mess I was when it all was going down.

Can anyone relate? Is this a normal reaction once you get to the other side of these breakups?

[Bushes]

I definitely hope I get to that place you speak of I really do

[Lalathegreat]

I'm with Bushes... .right now I am barely clinging to the edges of my life and getting through each day. I really hope to get to this place you are describing.

I'm not sure what it's called, but it sounds like you've reached a place where you have enough emotional detachment that you are able to see things from a place of clarity.

I look forward to it. Your post gives me hope.

[jinglebells1989]

I'm with Bushes... .right now I am barely clinging to the edges of my life and getting through each day. I really hope to get to this place you are describing.

I'm not sure what it's called, but it sounds like you've reached a place where you have enough emotional detachment that you are able to see things from a place of clarity.

I look forward to it. Your post gives me hope.

I'm glad it's helped you both. Don't get me wrong I still have days where I get sad and miss her but the feelings I had 1,2,3 + months out were wild. I was filled with rage, hatred, disgust, etc. I have never been that mad or angry at a person ever. Looking back on it, I'm not sure really how I was able to get through it.

[Bushes]

Yes the rage disgust even embarrassment shame gullible naive so many feelings at once it's hard to hold it together. I just keep telling myself she doesn't possess the capacity to love and that the longer I avoided the BPD the worse it would feel at the inevitable end. And a close call I had. I mean we were engaged and the number of times she said she wanted to have a baby with me and actually and actively tried to make that happen is frightening. She claimed she has had problems in the past with failed pregnancies and told me once she lost our baby just around the two month mark. Now as to what I believe at this point or don't believe who can say. I don't actually think I can believe it when she said hello at this point. In any event she would get angry , of course, if I pulled away before well you know what. So I guess I am lucky depending on the point of view. To be married with a baby and then to have this happen would be more than I could cope with I'm quite certain. If that had been the case I think I would've just given up on any sort of happiness and just let things fall apart come what may. Would you believe the night that started this theatre of the surreal she actually did everything you could imagine to improve her chances of becoming pregnant. And then of course almost as if it were nothing went on to relay the little story of how she had exchanged services for paralegal support however she justified it in her mind. And I was in a state of shock. Not only did she expect me to be ok with that she then went on to say I have something for you then cut a lock of her hair and gave it to me as a gift. Then tucked me in and cuddled up as sweet as you please. I was in such a state of shock I basically just shut my mouth til the morning. She then was super loving as I left for work, texted all sweet numerous times. When it was apparent I was a little down she texts why are you not feeling so great may i ask. Stunned. Told her. And not cruelly somehow. And now here we are. Getting this off me chest is actually making me angry which is a nice change from emotionally destroyed tbh. And now I should be grateful she replaced me , not only doesn't care but doesn't even occur to her to think of me at all I'm certain.  And now it's someone else that gets to be in my spot in a year or so give or take. And you know the wise man being oh so very taking care and looking out for her when he was put on the phone I actually have no sympathy for. He was sitting right there when she cries and yells at me that she had told me about what happened with him and then we had sex so I'm being such a jerk arse. When in fact she told me after that happened which of course now I have to get tested. Point being this guy is sitting there, hears this and then tries to play some kind of mature daddy act. It's just so sickening that I'm going to do my utmost to remember this anger at the pure , again, cold surrealness and nonsense that it truly is. I don't know if this rant has helped anyone. I hope it has in some way because it certainly has me. Thanks for giving me the forum to let it out and for listening. I hope I can hold on to this feeling of how ridiculous it really is for us to feel emotionally ruined because of these antics. When the anger subsides I am going to try to transition it to pity which is what these folks deserve. Our pity. That's the one feeling I am fine with having. And I'll tell you why. Because it's the one and only appropriate feeling to have. It's not as if I have lost a loved one who loved me deeply and was unfairly taken from me. Now that would be a tragedy. This is more comedy than tragedy. And I feel like that is something I can remember that rings much truer than  anything that was ever said or felt by C.  And I think I just may be able to sleep tonight having realized the sheer nonsense of it all and thinking it more as a bullet I have dodged that came better late than later.