pain of divorce

[30years]

I filed for divorce after 30 years of being controlled by my BPD husband.  I stayed in the marriage 15 years after learning what BPD was because of the diagnosis of my 16 year old son. Learning what he had, my mother-in-law stated that that was what his grandfather (diagnosed) and great grandfather (undiagnosed but had 5 wives and left my father-in-law when he was a month old).  All that being said, it runs strong in the family I married into.  My desire to help and rescue kept me here until this past week. I was always told I would be left penniless, without children, and possibly put in a crazy house.  Plus I was told that I was married to the best husband, and best father ever.  It has been 30 years of the same... .me always hoping for change... .always protecting the children from their uninterested father by giving excuses for his behavior.  He is very successful and indeed needed lots of work time but even on vacations etc he mostly ignored our 2 kids... .  My current situation is that after hiring 2 lawyers I am determined to divorce in as amicable way that I can.  My husband is fighting the divorce but is not coming up with the horrible strategies he once was.  He still does not believe this is taking place, so he is being very understanding and kind just like every time I say I am leaving and he goes through the stages of rage and then fear of abandonment.  With this much history and with an extremely borderline son, it seems impossible... .but the key was getting the most powerful lawyers in my city to be my support... .And he admits that he has met his match.  Quite a turn of power... .I have always been fearful of leaving even though money was not a factor.  I cant explain why I was willing to put up with the secretive lifestyle and verbal abuse.  I am very successful on my own, have everything going for me and yet I couldn't get the courage to leave for fear of what it would mean to my unsuspecting children.  They saw an inappropriate love in our marriage and that is my biggest concern but I believe that the hand of God has been upon them and they will be OK now... .Ha! One "child" is 29 and the other "28".  Can you believe this?  I still want to protect the youngest for fear he will do this to his wife. But I cant sacrifice any more of my emotional life.  I am now starting to feel empowered more and more each day.  It will be 4 more months before I can attain a divorce but it is happening.  I will be 64 years old.  Sadly, I spent my life in an argumentative, love-less relationship.  Anyone that waits this long is probably NOT doing the right thing...

[Mutt]

Hi 30years,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily and I'm sorry for the late response, I'm glad that you have found us, there is hope.

My desire to help and rescue kept me here until this past week. I was always told I would be left penniless, without children, and possibly put in a crazy house.  Plus I was told that I was married to the best husband, and best father ever.

That sounds like extreme thinking or black and white thinking, you're either all good or all bad to a pwBPD, they have difficult time with seeing the grey areas in world and the people in it.

I cant explain why I was willing to put up with the secretive lifestyle and verbal abuse. 

You'll see that many of us can relate with that, leaving someone that has a mental illness is not a hard and fast rule, it's more complicated then that, you may have kids and want to stay for the sake of the kids, it could be because of religious reasons, for better or for worse, the bright side is that you're done, you hired the best lawyers possible and you're marriage is winding down, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

But I cant sacrifice any more of my emotional life.

You have a right to be happy.

I will be 64 years old.  Sadly, I spent my life in an argumentative, love-less relationship.  Anyone that waits this long is probably NOT doing the right thing...

Some people stay in an argumentative, love-less r/s and don't have your courage to leave.

[Lalathegreat]

I applaud your courage.   It is NEVER too late to change the path you're on and to demand a better future.

Welcome to BPD family... .

Lala