I'm calling my lawyer on Monday

[Karmajoy]

Here's a lesson I hope will help others. I did not know what. Overt incest was until a few years ago. My husband had always favored my daughter to such an extent that my son noticed and I made excuses. Once I found out what it was and she was a teenager, I would call him on it telling him to get away from her, explaining what covert incest was, etc. when we would sleep in separate beds, I'd find them in our bed at times. This is not a sexual relationship. I thought I shamed him out of doing that. I told him how would he like it if I reported him to his boss. He said he'd get fired. Well, I found her in his bed again today! He said she was up until 1 am with cold compresses on her face because she has a sunburn. She's 18. I was home but in my room. What I've come to realize is that the damage is done. She's a pretty girl and has never had a boyfriend or sex. I told him this is because she has him at home to wait on her. She is also quite manipulative and I imagine that the behavior goes both ways. Again, not sexual. He just had prostate cancer so I think he has erectile dysfunction. The point is, I'm done. She's off to college next month. I will be there to help her with what I can and to get her into therapy of course never using the expression because it's so harsh sounding. I confronted him and he admitted that she slept in his bed. I told him that she's 18 and he's ruining her potential for relationships with men just as his mother did for him. He's never quite been interested in sec with me and the therapist says it's because who wants to sleep with their mother? Anyway, I did what I could even before I knew what it was called . She's off to college in a month and my son will be a senior in college next month. I can walk away from this knowing I did everything I could. He's very powerful and this is going to get ugly but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm calling my lawyer on Monday.

[HopefulDad]

This is one of those ":)on't waste another second letting this continue" situations.  Good for you.  I hope the courts make this right.

[formflier]

  I can walk away from this knowing I did everything I could. 

What kind of therapy has your family been involved with? 

There is lots here to heal from and perhaps the courts will play a role in that.

Understanding legal options is ALWAYS a good thing.  Many times there is a difference between what the reality is about legal options and what we "think" they are.  I applaud you for investigating your options.

Still... .my continuing reaction to you story is there is so much healing that needs to happen here, I'm hoping you will call about that on Monday as well.  Even if there has been therapy in the past, I would urge you to seek more.

FF

[Notwendy]

I think you meant "covert incest" but regardless, this is emotionally damaging to your daughter and selfish on the part of her father.

I agree with FF that support and therapy would be good. I would personally want your husband to give your D some space at college. However, since she is 18, it is not possible to control visits between them.

I don't know if/what action can be taken in the legal realm. This started before she was 18 and may be considered child abuse.

Most colleges have excellent student counseling centers. I would encourage your D to make use of them, but that is up to her at this point.

I am sorry this happened in your family. Sadly, I don't think it is unusual in families where there is a disordered person and poor boundaries. Emotional incest can happen in various degrees. I think people have this idea that so long as touching doesn't happen, there isn't incest. Yet, a disordered parent can lean on a child emotionally in ways that are not good for them. I would say this kind of  sleeping together beyond childhood is crossing a big line.