Not sure what is going on but time to figure it out

[Findabetterway]

For years now, it seems shortly after our relationship was solidified.  As is, it seems the minute he knew I was in love with him and not leaving, my husband seemed to show me a totally different side of him.  As side in which there is seldom anything I say or do is exactly right.  I call it Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I see that expression written here on this site, thus I am wondering if I might be in the right spot.

How does one figure this out for sure?  I am really finding that I have been at a breaking point for quite some time and just trying to hang in there for chances at the good days. However, it seems that those good days are fast being outshined by bad days and the scales are tipped to the wrong side.  I feel like an absolute fool at times for staying in a relationship where there is a constant turmoil.  Why do I stay?  I have spent quite a bit of time analyzing that.  I love the person I met.  I would just like to see more of that person and the not the alter ego, Mr. Hyde.  Am I in the right spot?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[halcyon]

Sounds like you're in the right spot to me so far, but I think I am right in adding that it takes a professional's opinion to know "for sure".  BPD's share SOME traits with other disorders... .pretty sure that's how it got the name "borderline", because it borders so many other disorders.  So, if he is willing, it would probably help you a great deal to get that professional opinion... .but I also know you can't "push" a borderline to seek help.  They really must reach that conclusion on their own.

Having said that... .

I've gone through the "lessons" on this site, and I think they could help you a great deal in determining whether or not you're "in the right spot".  As you go through them, you might quickly spot things you're very familiar with.  It does sound like he idealized you in the beginning (put you "on a pedestal"?), and then began devaluing you once he felt comfortable that you weren't going anywhere.  And that does sound very BPD.

My partner only ever yells at me.  With everyone else, she is extremely patient and forgiving.  Someone could straight up call her the "B" word, and she'd just smile at them and say "sorry you feel that way."  But I can say something not even remotely hurtful, and she can turn it around and make me sound like the most evil person you've ever met. 

And let me blow your mind right now:  I've started taking it as a compliment.  Why?  Because I understand BPD a lot more now, so I know she only explodes on me because she trusts me.  She trusts me not to abandon her or resent her.  She feels SAFE with me.  She doesn't feel safe with anyone else, and that's why they are all safe from her outbursts.  Ironic, hey?

I'm not saying YOU should start taking it as a compliment.  But maybe it will give you some insight into a BPD brain. 

Good luck to you and best wishes

[ScottishKin]

You're in the right place here.

Only those who have loved someone with strong or persistent BPD traits can really know how it feels to live with Jekyll and Hyde.

Sure, everyone in a relationship has good days and bad. Everyone gets moody, angry, withdrawn. But it is quite a thing to feel like an actual, bonefide evil alternate personality has taken over your SO's body, and so quickly too.

Why, just a few hours ago he/she was looking into my eyes dreamily and reminding me I am the love of their life, how lucky they are, how perfect we are for each other. Now they're treating me like a I'm worse than Hitler.

Yep, this is the right place.

[holliday_9]

I call mine that as well. Way before I found this forum.
As soon as I was in love, out came Hyde. Now that I have backed way off, I see a lot more of the guy I fell in love with. But that guy is mostly gone. I had to come to terms with that. He took the mask completely off and even the good guy in him is a hot, crazy mess. It's part of his charm though
I really didn't want a relationship like this, where I have to stifle my love to keep from scaring them off. But I'm going to try it for a little while. Nice to try different things in life .

[holliday_9]

Sounds like you're in the right spot to me so far, but I think I am right in adding that it takes a professional's opinion to know "for sure".  BPD's share SOME traits with other disorders... .pretty sure that's how it got the name "borderline", because it borders so many other disorders.  So, if he is willing, it would probably help you a great deal to get that professional opinion... .but I also know you can't "push" a borderline to seek help.  They really must reach that conclusion on their own.

Having said that... .

I've gone through the "lessons" on this site, and I think they could help you a great deal in determining whether or not you're "in the right spot".  As you go through them, you might quickly spot things you're very familiar with.  It does sound like he idealized you in the beginning (put you "on a pedestal"?), and then began devaluing you once he felt comfortable that you weren't going anywhere.  And that does sound very BPD.

My partner only ever yells at me.  With everyone else, she is extremely patient and forgiving.  Someone could straight up call her the "B" word, and she'd just smile at them and say "sorry you feel that way."  But I can say something not even remotely hurtful, and she can turn it around and make me sound like the most evil person you've ever met. 

And let me blow your mind right now:  I've started taking it as a compliment.  Why?  Because I understand BPD a lot more now, so I know she only explodes on me because she trusts me.  She trusts me not to abandon her or resent her.  She feels SAFE with me.  She doesn't feel safe with anyone else, and that's why they are all safe from her outbursts.  Ironic, hey?

I'm not saying YOU should start taking it as a compliment.  But maybe it will give you some insight into a BPD brain. 

Good luck to you and best wishes

Well you blew MY mind. Wow. And it makes sense. Mine took his nice, normal guy mask right off as soon as he got comfortable with me. He got way too comfortable , very quickly. Mine doesn't yell anymore (so far) because of my boundaries with that, so he distances himself when he thinks he might get stressed.