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[Dadofbpd]

We have a daughter that has personality traits we can't explain. She is really narcissistic and attacks us verbally when she feels threatened. As a father I don't respond and confront her because her mother is afraid she will cut us off from the grandkids. It is frustrating because the grandkids are of course our life and not seeing them is painful. Last Christmas our daughter once again blamed us for a situation that caused us to leave early. After we left she attacked me by texting her mother with words that were unbelievable about me. She ended with she is done with me. She will not communicate on the phone but by text. So I texted her with I'm done too and have a good life. Now I'm the bad guy for cutting her off. I feel bad for her mother who is in the middle and I really don't want to be around her anymore. I have set the boundaries and expect to not see her again. I refuse to be put in a position again where she can find something wrong and go on the attack again. I'm fine with this arrangement but my wife is having a fit. This is causing our marriage to be strained. I am looking forward to getting some input from this group and feel I can contribute some help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there dadofBPD

Welcome!

Boy oh boy, it's tough isn't it? I sometimes wonder how I got into this life of mine. The complexities of having a child with BPD is overwhelming at times. Life's certainly not fair either, particularly when grandchildren are thrown into the mix.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your relationship with your daughter. I can honestly say that there was  a strain whether or not our DS was in contact. I can hear your view and feel your wife's anguish. It's perfectly understandable. We've been in a similar situation. we've had our ups and downs in our marriage but nothing compared to the last 10 years. I get it.

I don't know how much you know about BPD but the more I read (top right hand side of this page) the more I understood that something had to change in my family. Ive noticed that there appears to be a difference between mothers and fathers in the way they approach the problems and emotionally cope; that may be a generalisation so can only speak from my experience.

Quite honestly my H would be happy for no contact. He loves our DS, but he finds bearing the emotions of our DS's choices and behaviours too much sometimes. I on the other hand, am at a different stage and have become far more flexible and less judgmental for the sake of not only my family but for myself. My children mean the world to me and, despite being on my knees with a broken down relationship with my DS, we've found a way forwards for us all. There's still problems but we've inched forwards. All down to this forum and me learning about BPD.  I've learnt a new way to interact with my DS.

Does your wife visit your daughter and grandkids?
How is that going?

LP

[Dadofbpd]

Thanks for your input. My wife will be going to see the DS and grandkids by herself. Our oldest grandchild will graduate from middle school next year and she plans to go. I have no desire to go for numerous reasons. The most important being the drama is devistating.  I can't stand being around the DS and she can't stand being around me.  It would only cause tension that ruins the event. I need help with the sadness I feel not spending time withe grandkids. It is very painful. Thanks for your help. I hope your situation gets better.

[incadove]

DadofBPD  this is a little similar to our family right now except no grandkids, where my husband has decided to cut off one our possibly BPD-trait daughter, but I am still in contact. 

What helped me is that I am very strict with her about being respectful and polite but i let her know I love her and will never abandon her and will also not put up with very specific things, and will apply consequences (when those are available, more cutting off resources than contact).  But I try to do it in a loving way.  So far with this daughter that works; the same would not work with our other one, she would see it as a put down.

but in any case, I would not see it in black and white, remember that is a BPD trait! Right now you are choosing not to contact her.  that may change.  You could offer through your wife to watch the grandkids if she needs a babysitter, if they are close enough, and she may when she wants babysitting.  You could still send them gifts and letters, your daughter may or may not deliver them, but if you send a gift or letter to her as well she may choose to.  Sometimes it is easier to say, I love you, I care for you, but because of how you spoke to me I do not want contact with you *right now*.  Here is a gift because I choose to give it. 

If you read about DBT its a lot about simultaneous opposites.  This situation is awful and it is what it is and i accept it but i want to change it.  I love you but I cannot tolerate your behavior.

Its an effort that not everyone is ok with, like you may feel its not compatible with your self respect.  but remembering that you are in control of everything you are doing, that helps me. 

I try to respond to the behaviors, reassure the underlying permanent support (BPD can be related to fear of abandonment), protect myself, and work towards long term goals.  well that's when I'm doing well.  When I'm not I lash out and have done that plenty of times!  but I usually regret it so I'm working on it.

I feel for you, it is so painful.  If you get garbage truck thinking with intrusive negative thoughts that is depression, get a massage or take melatonin at night, that helps me recover from the depression that often comes with interacting with close family with this disorder.

good luck and hope you are able to contact your grandkids in the future, and in any case take care of yourself.  at least you will have contact through your wife, it seems.  don't give up hope for the future, everything changes.

[Dadofbpd]

Thanks. I am new at this and appreciate your experience and advice. Concerning contact with the grandkids they are at the age when they don't have time to respond to texts and emails. Their friends are more important but sending cards might be the answer. I am not at a place right now to connect with the BPD daughter and open conversation.  I really like the idea of letting her know I Love her but am not ready to re-establish a relationship.  She is also very narsisistic and only her immediate family is worth working on issues. This behavior goes back to her childhood and now her 2nd marriage is fresh and new and is her only focus. She lives in a bubble and can't function outside her scope of daily routines. Being around her is frustrating because she only focuses on her life and ignores that I'm even there. That's why I wonder if it is even worth it. Why be there and be ignored. So right now it might be best to try to connect with the grandkids and see what happens