My uBPDw demanded I cancel an appointment, and I did

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DB, Trying to reason with an irrational person is bound to be an exercise in frustration.  I'm good at analysis and, like you, thought that I could crack the BPD Code, yet BPD proved too much for me.  All my mental gymnastics proved futile.  Suggest you try a different approach, such as disengagement.

LuckyJim

[Notwendy]

I agree with the statements about the other person having a disorder, emotional regulation issues, and tantruming like a 4 year old. However, the problem with focusing on them is that, one can not change their point of view, or what they say. If we are triggered by what they say, then the trigger belongs to us. We can not work on changing them, but we can work on changing us. So while it may be true that the other person has issues, and it may help us to keep that in mind so we can disengage, it doesn't help us to change our responses to them.

They can push our buttons because we are intimate with them. If we have poor boundaries, we can also buy into their point of view. However, if we are confident that we are not what they say to us, we can hold on to that.

DB, do you really believe that you need to go broke buying a ring or you are a bad abusive husband? There are plenty of husbands out there who don't have that kind of money. Are they bad abusive husbands? What about a husband who has a modest paying job, but he goes to work every day, loves his family, is faithful to his wife. Would you believe he was a bad husband because the wife doesn't have an expensive ring? I hope not. There are many good marriages where the wife has a modest ring.

How would you feel if a stranger told you you were an abusive husband because you didn't buy the ring. I hope you'd think - well that may be your opinion but not mine. You probably would not get triggered because you'd see that two different people can have different points of view. Your task is to recognize that what your wife may think about you isn't necessarily true. You can not change what she thinks, but you can hold on to your truth and not react to it.