validation, closure and saying goodbye

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

tonight i am really sad. tonight i say goodbye to myself cause she can not. i have been in nc for more than 2 months now. i have bumped into her 2 weeks ago and we acted like strangers. the end of communication was so bad by telling her that she is crazy, BPD, liar and cursing her and her manipulation. i am travelling for good to work in dubai in 3 days. i went to visit a couple i know who happen to live 2 streets away of her. i was day-dreaming of calling her, meeting and catching her in a lucid state. i wanted to tell her that i have never hated her. i want to tell her that she is wrong when she told me that she can not be with me cause all people abandoned her. i wanted to tell her that when i said she is BPD i wanted to help and not to mock her. i wanted to tell her that she is a funny wonderful person without the BPD and she could get healed. i wanted to tell her that i really loved her. i am even crying writing this. I HATE THIS FREAKING BPD, IT JUST RUIN LIVES. maybe we will be ok. maybe we will move on and get happy again but they can not.

I was even touched and felt sad when i saw my friends who are a couple when they give any gesture of love or affection. i mean it is the normal thing in a healthy relationship. but, at this time it felt like out of this world. I was just comparing to what i have been going through to what i can see of love and compassion between this couple.

it was a trigger to be in her neighborhood today. I am travelling in 3 days to a new exciting place. I am young and i believe that life is still full of opportunities for me. I am over the idea of getting back to her. nah never gonna happen and she would never change without therapy which she refuses and denies that there is anything wrong with her. I wish i can one day find love again. I wish that one day she would get her diagnosis and remember my statements. I wish that a mature healthy woman would understand how much love, kindness and loyalty i have for a partner. for some reason, i remember when i was with her telling that i think my one to be is so lucky and deep inside i knew it was not her. i just wanted to let her know.


Tonight, i say farewell. good luck. i hope u well. i hope u get treated and healed. He is the lucky man who will get your heart if one day you get treated.

[antjs]

tonight i am really sad. tonight i say goodbye to myself cause she can not. i have been in nc for more than 2 months now. i have bumped into her 2 weeks ago and we acted like strangers. the end of communication was so bad by telling her that she is crazy, BPD, liar and cursing her and her manipulation. i am travelling for good to work in dubai in 3 days. i went to visit a couple i know who happen to live 2 streets away of her. i was day-dreaming of calling her, meeting and catching her in a lucid state. i wanted to tell her that i have never hated her. i want to tell her that she is wrong when she told me that she can not be with me cause all people abandoned her. i wanted to tell her that when i said she is BPD i wanted to help and not to mock her. i wanted to tell her that she is a funny wonderful person without the BPD and she could get healed. i wanted to tell her that i really loved her. i am even crying writing this. I HATE THIS FREAKING BPD, IT JUST RUIN LIVES. maybe we will be ok. maybe we will move on and get happy again but they can not.

I was even touched and felt sad when i saw my friends who are a couple when they give any gesture of love or affection. i mean it is the normal thing in a healthy relationship. but, at this time it felt like out of this world. I was just comparing to what i have been going through to what i can see of love and compassion between this couple.

it was a trigger to be in her neighborhood today. I am travelling in 3 days to a new exciting place. I am young and i believe that life is still full of opportunities for me. I am over the idea of getting back to her. nah never gonna happen and she would never change without therapy which she refuses and denies that there is anything wrong with her. I wish i can one day find love again. I wish that one day she would get her diagnosis and remember my statements. I wish that a mature healthy woman would understand how much love, kindness and loyalty i have for a partner. for some reason, i remember when i was with her telling that i think my one to be is so lucky and deep inside i knew it was not her. i just wanted to let her know.


Tonight, i say farewell. good luck. i hope u well. i hope u get treated and healed. He is the lucky man who will get your heart if one day you get treated.

[AwakenedOne]

I HATE THIS FREAKING BPD, IT JUST RUIN LIVES.

Hi AJ,

Those words are so true.

You are a good guy with a kind loving heart. You'll find someone that's right for you someday for sure.

I'm glad your getting excited about your new job in Dubai. That sounds cool. A change of scenery might be a really good thing for you now. I hope you will still post here on how your doing. If not take care man and good luck in the future regardless.

Peace,

AO

[free-n-clear]

 

she would never change without therapy which she refuses and denies that there is anything wrong with her.

  The disorder exists in order to deny the existence of the disorder.

  I agree with AwakenedOne - you're obviously a thoughtful, kind-hearted guy - and like all of us, you deserve better than she would ever be capable of giving you. It's not her fault. It's not your fault. It's an illness that she has and will almost certainly always have.

I hope the new job in Dubai goes well for you and that you keep posting. Stay strong, AJ. 

[Tausk]

AJ:  I'm sorry for you pain.  It hurts so much. Especially because we care for someone who denies what could be good for them.  The Disorder does not want happiness. 

It's clear that you care for you ex.  And yes we can hope that they get better, but the sad fact is that very few do, and almost none without extensive help.  All I can do is keep mine in my prayers and try not to be too angry with her.

It's good that you are moving.  It will help.  But keep in mind that there are many with BPD.  Before I found this site, most of my exes were BPD.  The ones that were not, were far too sane to be with me for a long period of time.  It was my issues that moved me towards them and allowed them into my life.

This is not the end for us, but rather the beginning.  The end for our exes actually occurred when they were children. Nothing really has changed for them.

Sadness,

T 

[antjs]

thanks guys for your replies. i feel way better today. the downs now are not as intense or long. I have been in NC for more than 2 months. I did not last long enough with her, i figure her out so quickly. Before knowing about BPD there were keywords that i have used during the break up like emotional roller coaster, pattern, chameleon behavior, i feel like you are two persons and it took me two weeks to figure out whom of them you are. my therapist (i saw him after the break up) told me that i am healthy and within the normal range, no co-dependency issues or childhood traumas (as i was afraid of that).

I am way over her. There is no way on earth to take her back. i do not know what was the purpose of this post when i wrote it. i just felt angry and needed to let it out. It was a trigger to see her street where i used to pick her up and drop her before i moved in with her in another apartment. I remembered how she smiled, her look when i dropped her off and she said "call me when you are home to make sure that you are safe so that i can sleep." GOD ! I believe their idealization phase is not lying. they really feel it. yet, they still feel the devaluation phase too and how "real" it feels.


I now see BPD as a haunting ghost. These people are like living in limbo. and it just tear my heart. not for her only but for all of them. I was just day-dreaming and wishful thinking that i can talk to her after by-passing her denial sheild. BPD is like a demon, it tells you that it does not exist while it is destroying you.

I just want her to be ok as a human. I just wanted to say good-bye as a human too. I think i will never see her again in my life.

[Tausk]

I now see BPD as a haunting ghost. These people are like living in limbo. and it just tear my heart. not for her only but for all of them. I was just day-dreaming and wishful thinking that i can talk to her after by-passing her denial sheild. BPD is like a demon, it tells you that it does not exist while it is destroying you.

The Buddhist have a term, "Hungry Ghost" referring to a being that wants endlessly without end.  My ex was very much like that.  Her wants and needs were the same.  And when she wanted something, she was not able to control her actions other than to move to the want.  She got scared and wanted a back up, so she cultivated back ups.  Nothing she could do about it.  Just her nature.

The result is barely a human existence, where empathy, trust, sacrifice, partnership, support in relationships are always tenuous. 

I just have to continue to work at figuring out why I thought I could find love in such a person.

[Ihope2]

All the best in your new job in Dubai, Anthony_James.  The physical distance will help you move on with your life, move forwards towards serenity, peace and joy.  Your whole life lies ahead of you - may you find abundance and love.

Leave her be, she is in her Creator's hands.  It is a very difficult lesson for us, who care deeply, to let go of someone like that.  I know the feeling. Every day I pray to my Creator for my almost ex BPDh.  I pray for him to be protected and blessed and to find some healing.  It is not in my hands and never was.   Letting go is the key to our own healing and happiness in the long run.

Bon Voyage and all the best to you.