When to go to court and move away for support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi! I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1. My soon to be ex-husband was diagnosed with bipolar last fall after an incident where the police came to our house because he threatened to hurt himself. This was the culmination of several years (and now I realize) a marriage of manic, erratic, and emotionally abusive behaviors.

After reading "Codependent No More," and "Help, Thanks, Wow!" by Anne Lamonte, I realized I couldn't fix him or nothing I did would ever be good enough. I hung on for several more months as he went on mood stabilizers.  Still his behaviors changed little, and I realized it was much more than bipolar. I left last January after enough of the gas lighting, criticizing, blaming and shaming of my family and friends.

 After reading, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," I felt like I finally had some answers to the madness, chaos I had experienced with my ex, especially over the past 2 years and during and after the pregnancy of our second child. It finally made sense, the manipulation, threats to hurt himself, paranoia, rages, etc.

I am now embroiled in a difficult separation and divorce. After leaving my spouse exhibited some extreme behavior that really scared me.

My main questions today are:

1) When is it time to stop trying to settle custody, child support out of court (especially when ex-BPD spouse continues to harass me and become enraged with the fairest of requests)?

2) How do I ensure the safety of my children on their once a week, separate unsupervised visitations with their father?

3) How can I know what is the best to support my children as far as staying in close proximity to the ex-BPD spouse for visits or moving 4 hours away to be closer to my family to have support?

[Addelaide87]

Hi! I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1. My soon to be ex-husband was diagnosed with bipolar last fall after an incident where the police came to our house because he threatened to hurt himself. This was the culmination of several years (and now I realize) a marriage of manic, erratic, and emotionally abusive behaviors.

After reading "Codependent No More," and "Help, Thanks, Wow!" by Anne Lamonte, I realized I couldn't fix him or nothing I did would ever be good enough. I hung on for several more months as he went on mood stabilizers.  Still his behaviors changed little, and I realized it was much more than bipolar. I left last January after enough of the gas lighting, criticizing, blaming and shaming of my family and friends.

 After reading, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," I felt like I finally had some answers to the madness, chaos I had experienced with my ex, especially over the past 2 years and during and after the pregnancy of our second child. It finally made sense, the manipulation, threats to hurt himself, paranoia, rages, etc.

I am now embroiled in a difficult separation and divorce. After leaving my spouse exhibited some extreme behavior that really scared me.

My main questions today are:

1) When is it time to stop trying to settle custody, child support out of court (especially when ex-BPD spouse continues to harass me and become enraged with the fairest of requests)?

2) How do I ensure the safety of my children on their once a week, separate unsupervised visitations with their father?

3) How can I know what is the best to support my children as far as staying in close proximity to the ex-BPD spouse for visits or moving 4 hours away to be closer to my family to have support?

[Lost in Desert]

Do an honest EX PARTE to him, then sit back and let the courts settle it.  That would be my first thought. I would also begin to keep tract of everything, emails, text messages, document as much as you can.  Then get a lawyer involved. 

I had supervised visits, due to my BPD wife making false claims in an EX PARTE fashion in Family Court.  So reading your situation, it time to be proactive and move in that direction.  The Family Court will install certain rules for him, likely make him have Supervised Visits with the children, ESPECIALLY that young and he is manic. 

Good luck, this board is full of very helpful people, I would not be where I am without them.

[Panda39]

Hi Addelaide87,

Welcome to the BPD Family   

I'm on a lunch break at work so can't stay long but I did want to suggest a book... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy

My Significant Other (SO) found it really helpful when divorcing his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

Are you in formal custody Mediation? Or are you just discussing custody directly with your soon to be ex (stbx)?  Do you have a custody evaluator involved in your case?  How has your stbx been doing with his visitation so far?  What are your concerns?  Have you hired an attorney?

That's the end of my questions for now  Just trying to get a better feel for your situation and I have to get back to work!

I'm glad you've found us, there is a lot of experience, support and ideas from the members here.  I know more folks will be along soon.

Take Care,
Panda39