Staying one step ahead

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone. New here, and I'm very glad to find this place! Lots of excellent information.

I have been divorced for about four months now, from my ex wife who was diagnosed with BPD about 18 months ago. We have two children together, who are with me 100% overnights, and spend time with her two days per week. Prior to and during our divorce, her erratic, impulsive and self harming behavior got so out of hand that she was forced to accept this arrangement rather than go to trial over custody. I was able to get through that incredibly trying time mostly intact (although 35 pounds lighter ), and without losing my mind. Things have been mostly calm, with only a few disagreements, until about a week ago.

To be brief, my ex is attempting to hold me in contempt because I left the kids at my house with my mom (she was visiting) for approximately three hours while I went out to dinner with friends. She believes she should have been given the opportunity to watch the kids before I offered them to my mom. My attorney is assuring me I have nothing to worry about, but this is stressing me out as much - if not more - than the custody battle/divorce did.

Since this issue came up, she has been bombarding me with texts, calls and emails about anything and everything. It's like she's on a high from trying to stick it to me in court, so she's using the opportunity to beat me down over everything else I've ever done wrong. This has been incredibly hard for me to deal with, which is odd because it's nothing compared to what she put me through during the divorce.

I think the issue is that prior to filing for divorce, I had prepared myself mentally for what was coming. I knew it would be ugly, and that helped me to stay on the offensive. Now I feel like I've let my guard down, and she has the upper hand. I am tired of fighting, and don't know how to stay in Condition Red all the time while still maintaining some quality of life. I am very worried about the impact of her manipulation on our children, and that she will eventually gain more timesharing.

For those of you dealing with the same issues, how have you learned to stay a step ahead of these people long term? Thanks in advance.

[Skyhawk]

Hi everyone. New here, and I'm very glad to find this place! Lots of excellent information.

I have been divorced for about four months now, from my ex wife who was diagnosed with BPD about 18 months ago. We have two children together, who are with me 100% overnights, and spend time with her two days per week. Prior to and during our divorce, her erratic, impulsive and self harming behavior got so out of hand that she was forced to accept this arrangement rather than go to trial over custody. I was able to get through that incredibly trying time mostly intact (although 35 pounds lighter ), and without losing my mind. Things have been mostly calm, with only a few disagreements, until about a week ago.

To be brief, my ex is attempting to hold me in contempt because I left the kids at my house with my mom (she was visiting) for approximately three hours while I went out to dinner with friends. She believes she should have been given the opportunity to watch the kids before I offered them to my mom. My attorney is assuring me I have nothing to worry about, but this is stressing me out as much - if not more - than the custody battle/divorce did.

Since this issue came up, she has been bombarding me with texts, calls and emails about anything and everything. It's like she's on a high from trying to stick it to me in court, so she's using the opportunity to beat me down over everything else I've ever done wrong. This has been incredibly hard for me to deal with, which is odd because it's nothing compared to what she put me through during the divorce.

I think the issue is that prior to filing for divorce, I had prepared myself mentally for what was coming. I knew it would be ugly, and that helped me to stay on the offensive. Now I feel like I've let my guard down, and she has the upper hand. I am tired of fighting, and don't know how to stay in Condition Red all the time while still maintaining some quality of life. I am very worried about the impact of her manipulation on our children, and that she will eventually gain more timesharing.

For those of you dealing with the same issues, how have you learned to stay a step ahead of these people long term? Thanks in advance.

[Panda39]

Hi Skyhawk,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

First I want to say I am with your attorney about not worrying.  Unless you guys put right of first refusal into your custody agreement (and it sounds like you didn't) then you are not in contempt of anything.

Ignore all of the calls, texts and emails unless it is something relevant about your children and then communicate via email only.  Email slows down the interaction and gives you time to think before responding or if you respond at all.
 
Is it all Skyhawk bashing then do not respond to it... .do not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Jading only leads to circular arguments.  If the email is something relevant to the kids... .like are you going to pick up school supplies for Skyhawk Jr. then respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words keep it short and sweet. If you get an email read it and think about your response don't just shoot off your first kneejerk reaction... .take your time.

The less you engage with her in the drama the better it will become for you.  For most of us if we don't engage our BPDex's they look for the drama elsewhere... .this can take time particularly when you share children.

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and I knew he and I had finally had a break through when the ex took D20 and D16 to drop D20 off for her freshman year of college.  D16 went a long for the ride my SO let her go and we expected her home on Sunday because she had school herself on Monday.  Well on Sunday afternoon we get a call from the ex notifying us that they missed their plane home due to traffic (  That would be the horrible gridlock that happens in Vermont on a Sunday ).  Now the old me would have been upset about D16 missing school, or that the ex was cutting in on my SO's time with his daughter, or I could have gone all the way to Wow is she being kidnapped!  We could have told the ex what an irresponsible person she was or that we were calling the police or just flipped out instead my SO said okay just email me your new itinerary.  We went back to eating our lunch.  No drama no fuss and D16 was home the next day.

If we had engaged in the drama this situation would have quickly escalated into something way bigger than it actually was.

As long as you share kids you will always have these weird things that she will throw out there to see if they stick. 

I also wanted to share with you information on "Extinction Bursts" it sounds like she is having one.  It's kind of like a giant tantrum.

Extinction Burst

The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops. See the link below for more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

You are in a good position with your kids many of us would love to have the custody you have  Try and focus on them and what goes on at your house and spend less time focusing on their mother. 

Here is a link to more that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331377#msg1331377

Again Welcome, I know other members will be along with their comments, ideas, suggestions and support.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Skyhawk]

Hey Panda,

We actually do have right of first refusal written in, although it was a little difficult due to my ex's limited timesharing and no overnights. I knew when drafting it that it would be a problem eventually, but didnt have the experience to have it drafted in a more clear and concise manner. My attorney explained that the local courts don't expect the children to be offered to the other parent in instances less than a few hours, i.e. grocery shopping, catching a movie, dinner. I should have had her write a specific time frame in, to avoid this problem. That was an oversight on both of our parts, but she still is not worried about me being held in contempt.

I am pretty good about only responding to things pertinent to the kids. I think the reason it's weighing on me so heavily now is because I expected most of the problems to go away once we were settled into our own lives. My quality of life has been 1000x better without her here, but she is still finding ways to get her claws into me, even if I don't let on that she's getting to me. I have also been dating somebody new, and my ex has been more out of control since she found out. I am being forced to talk to my kids about my new girlfriend earlier than I want to, because it is only a matter of time before my ex tells them. I would rather they hear it from me than her.

Got to go drop the kids with the ex. Wish me luck!

[david]

I agree with your attorney too. Three hours is not a long time and the kids were with their grand mom and not a babysitter. What would be the difference if you dropped the kids off at their grand moms for the day just because grand mom wanted to be with them ?
I suspect ex finding out about you dating is the trigger for her stepping things up. That would be viewed as abandonment or moving on with your life. Add BPD into the mix and things will get more difficult.
My ex used to take me to court for all kinds of things. Eventually she wasn't "winning" anymore and she slowed things down. Now she only threatens to take me to court in an email. I never reply to them because I suspect she would follow through if I did. People on this site used to always say, "negative engagement is still engagement." That is one word of wisdom that struck a chord for me. Walking away, disengaging, takes practice to get right. Back in 2007-2010 I would get around 40 to 50 emails a month. Most were accusations, etc. I learned to respond less and less. Eventually ex reduced her emails to about 5 to 10 a month. I reply to about 3 to 5 a month because they actually pertain to our boys. I consider the reduction in emails a success. I still get an occasional over the top bats*** crazy email which tells me something is upsetting her, it has nothing to do with me, and she still views me as a safe outlet to vent even though I do not reply. I save all emails just in case.

[FSTL]

My ex is currently insisting upon a ROFR as part of settlement of a court dispute.

My lawyers said to say no and I have.

There's nothing you can do about it now, but for the emails, etc I can only endorse what others have said about ignoring them. I normally just explain politely that I am not responding to her email as it has matters other than child focused issues in it. She hated that at first and had her lawyers write to mine about it, but after a while the drama came down a notch or two and then, when the emails went downhill again, I simply said "I am not responding to emails like this" and she stopped again. The problem with completely ignoring them is when there are child matters in there. In that case you can be accused of ignoring child matters and then having to defend yourself. I find the polite refusal to engage is better as it means you've responded rather than ignored the children's needs. They also understand it because they know why you're not dealing with their drama.

[Panshekay]

Welcome... .glad you found this site.  Panda39 makes excellent points. What our son has found is it's never over... .something similar happened to us, I was visiting from out of town... .his attorney said your time with your son is your time, a few hours with his GM (me) does not have to be ok'd with her.  It's easy for us to say not to worry, but this is your life and your child... .so I get it.  Always be prepared but not fearful... .you do have to live your life, it's a balancing act for sure. Blessings.

[Skyhawk]

Awesome advice, and it's great to hear I'm not the only person dealing with these issues 

I know volumes could be written about it, but what have y'all found to be effective in protecting your little ones from the BPD's manipulation? I am in a good spot as far as custody, and I have my son (7) going to a great therapist. But every time the kids come back from mom, my son is very worked up and has tons of questions about why I won't let mom come home, why he can't see her more, etc. I know she is filling his head with these things and encouraging him to be mad at me, and I worry for him because of it. I'm sure these questions are difficult enough in a 'normal' divorce, but it's much harder when the other parent has no real interest in what's best for the children, only in 'winning' them over.

Things are made a little worse with my son because he is not mine biologically. He was 1 when I met his mom, and I adopted him two years ago. He knows he was adopted, but doesn't know the specifics and doesn't remember his biological father. She has been talking to my son about his biological father, and has talked about introducing them to each other on several occasions, despite my wishes. His biodad is also extremely manipulative, and they both have a reason to get back at me now (the adoption was contested, and he lost). I worry greatly about the impact this would have on him.

[Radcliff]

Skyhawk,

The "Walking on Eggshells" book has a good section on talking to kids about BPD behavior.  You may also want to look at "Understanding the Borderline Mother," by Christine Lawson.  That book is targeted mostly at adult children of BP mothers, but as a father and husband of a uBPDw, I still found it gave me some good insights.  If anyone knows of other books that might have better coverage for helping young kids cope with a BPD parent, I'd be interested in hearing about them.

Good luck, Skyhawk, I know it's not as smooth sailing as you'd hoped, but you made a tough decision, followed through, and have made changes that some never manage to make, or they take years longer.  Congratulations on making it this far!

[Panda39]

Validate your son's feelings and blame the court, try using SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth)

S7 I know you want to see your mom more (Sympathy), I would want to too (Empathy), but the judge made the rules and I have to follow the rules and so do you and your mom (Truth).

To help your son be resilient it can help to validate his feelings there is a good book on validation you might want to check out... .The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn D. Hall & Melissa Cook

Panda39

[insideout77]

Panda has some really brilliant advice all across the board.

I would just add to explore using the Our Family Wizard for communication. I got it written into the custody order and it protects me more than anything. All communication must be through the wizard.

I do have to go to Co-parenting counseling and not session goes by without a threat of taking me back to court about something silly. I honest shrug, just dis-engage another way of saying knock-yourself-out.  I can't stop her from going to court, but the courts have no time for silly stuff and I know that and she will eventually discover that.

I used to be stressed by all the what if's but realized with time, that since i have a Custody order and its all done, as far as the courts are concerned , I'm old news and they really don't want to be bothered unless there is a serious issue.

Should you need to play the court game with her, you can play on their turf, meaning, delay , stall , reschedule, file a bunch of stuff...    make it cost MORE money for her and she will thing twice about it next time.

[Panda39]

Should you need to play the court game with her, you can play on their turf, meaning, delay , stall , reschedule, file a bunch of stuff...    make it cost MORE money for her and she will thing twice about it next time.

I would add if you document... .keep an email trail... .you have her own words that can be used against her.   

I don't know what your ex (there are varying degrees of function) is like but my SO's uBPDxw got herself evicted 3 times, convicted of fraud (is currently on probation), and alienated her kids in the last 7 years so good luck taking anyone to court with that pattern of behavior.  She has been her own worst enemy and you might find the same with your ex.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[david]

When our boys were 4 and 8 my go to answer was "we have a court order and if you don't follow the order the judge will get angry and you can get in trouble for contempt of court, I don't want me or mom to get in trouble so I follow the court order". That seemed to satisfy both boys.
My ex tried all kinds of alienation tactics back then (2007-2010). Eventually it backfired on her. I stayed consistent with our boys and ex went all over the place. She bad mouthed me all the time.

Our boys, especially the youngest, would say I was evil all the time. One day he said it and I stood up and put my arms out like Frankenstein. I chased him around the house making monster noises and saying I was going to get him. He loved it. From that point on he wanted the evil daddy monster to get him. It completely defused the nonsense coming from ex. He stopped using the word evil in a negative context towards me after that.

[Skyhawk]

Panda has some really brilliant advice all across the board.

I would just add to explore using the Our Family Wizard for communication. I got it written into the custody order and it protects me more than anything. All communication must be through the wizard.

I do have to go to Co-parenting counseling and not session goes by without a threat of taking me back to court about something silly. I honest shrug, just dis-engage another way of saying knock-yourself-out.  I can't stop her from going to court, but the courts have no time for silly stuff and I know that and she will eventually discover that.

I used to be stressed by all the what if's but realized with time, that since i have a Custody order and its all done, as far as the courts are concerned , I'm old news and they really don't want to be bothered unless there is a serious issue.

Should you need to play the court game with her, you can play on their turf, meaning, delay , stall , reschedule, file a bunch of stuff...    make it cost MORE money for her and she will thing twice about it next time.

I'm glad you brought up OFW. I had it written into our final judgement on the advice of my son's therapist. My ex continuously tries to go around it. When she is being calm, I don't mind communicating via text. But when things get out of hand, I just tell her I won't communicate outside the  app. She gets angry, but there's nothing she can do about it.  At this point, though, I rarely communicate outside the app even if she's being reasonable. You know, give an inch...