I'm new here

[significantotter]

This is all very, very new to me. I'm glad to have found a source of some guidance!

My husband and I have been married for 11 years (together for 16). We have two children, ages 3 and 10. I've found myself here after an individual therapy session where my therapist mentioned it sounded like I was dealing with a spouse who struggled with BPD. The more I look into it, the more I'm sure that this is what I'm dealing with.

My husband is fairly high-functioning and has no self-harm tendencies. Recent stressors in our lives have made his behavior much more erratic and hurtful. As I look back, I realize how much I walk on eggshells to avoid sending him into a spiral that is hurtful and embarrassing. Even so, many vacations, time with friends, and even day to day life has been negatively impacted by his actions. Of course, I've always thought it was my fault. The next day, or the next hour, he is full of remorse and self-pity. Begging for forgiveness and intimacy.

I'm in the beginning stages of dealing with all of this and have deep feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, and anxiety over the future. When I tell people about his actions, I almost feel like I'm lying because we do such a great job of putting on a happy face. People constantly tell me how lucky I am to have a marriage like mine. Part of me badly wants to work on this with him, part of me sees the writing on the wall and wants to run for the hills.

Thank you for reading! I'm excited to learn from you all.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey significantotter, Welcome!  You've come to the right place.  Your story is quite familiar.  No, it's not all your fault!  Your deep feelings are normal.  Suggest you acknowledge them and work through them, as you are already doing.  Those on the outside really have no concept of what it's like on the inside of a BPD relationship.  The first step, I suggest, is to shift the focus back to you and your needs.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  We are hear to help with any particular questions.

LuckyJim