Sister with BPD rises again

[Lilacs]

I used to be on this site many years ago.
I have a sister 7 years  younger that I am sure has BPD.
It is too long and complicated of a journey to discuss but all the symptoms fit.
She (for no reason) kicked me out of her life in Feb 2012.  Things weren't great but they were actually getting better.
She had just divorced and I met her new BF.
She later thanked me for meeting him with our family as it put pressure off of having to try to make things perfect w parents during a first meeting. At that time, she gave me a t-shirt from her work which didn't fit so I asked her if she could get me a larger size. 
Anyway, 5 weeks later. I had texted her and left her VMs etc.  I had not heard from her so I texted her once more asking if she was okay since it had been so long since I saw her.
Her text back to me:  A relationship with you is dramatic, abusive and cyclical and I am through."
Lots of horrible words were exchanged back and forth after that.
I said hurtful things (I don't deny) she said hurtful things (she does deny).
Well, then after she started including parents and showing them my (not her horrible) texts, my parents were then mad at me for the next 3 and asking me "what did you do to her?"
I had no answer.
Except what I did do was tell her to stop contacting my husband and kids.
She got upset andsaid I was keeping her away from her family.  No I wasn't, she did that on her own when she said she was through. 
And parents agreed with her.  My husband and my kids are HER family and she should be able to do anything she wants with them b.c. they are her family, regardless of how she feels about me.
After a year or so, she invited me to her second wedding to that BF I had met before.
It was a tough encounter b.c. she intentionally avoided me, going in another direction every time I even passed by her.
It was too anxiety provoking for me so I did not invite her to my own housewarming party or any other event.
Finally 2015 - 3 years after this all started, and lots of silence (even though my parents kept pressuring me to reach out to her and getting mad at me for not making it work... .) she had no choice but to agree to be a part of my son's graduation or be done forever. 
So she finally came.
Lot of anxiety.  Still we all behaved and have continued to behave.
Then in 2016 - 4.5 years after this all started, she says to me on her 40th birthday... .she holds my hand, takes me out on the porch and says "I have been in therapy, I am ready to talk, I'm sure you have questions."
Totally a relief for me.
THen I try to meet with her and she is too busy, I try several times.
Then I wait for 11 months b.c. I have been accused of being impatient and pressuring her.
I try to have a better relationship w her in the meantime.
Now it is July, I ask her "remember when you said xyz... .I would love to meet."
Her response, "This is coming out of left field, things are much better than they were last year, I am good with where we are, leave the past in the past, agree to disagree etc. It is very clear what happened."
Well it isn't clear to me and I say so.
She says she is too busy and doesn't have the reserves to do this right now and really there is no need and she doesn't want to bring up the past.
Eventually after some persuasion we decide to meet and then she cancels the day before.
I tell her I understand she has a lot going on, someday maybe she can help clear things up for me.
Well then it starts, back to bashing me, back to how I didn't know how my words hurt her, how I told several people that I was ignored at her wedding, that I didn't invite her to my housewarming, and that I have in general hurt her during the worst time of her life.
Fine:  but what about when you called me abusive and you set the ball rolling? Things were fine until then.
She says that I have the timeline wrong and I was the one who wronged her first.
She has all the texts printed out from her phone company and will show them to me.
It just made me realize, she is BPD, she cannot see my side of it.
She is INCAPABLE of seeing my side of it.
It is always about her, she is always the victim.
We are always so scared about what she will do if we criticize her - she is the one with BPD.
I am the stable one that the whole family can pile on. 

Thanks to getting to the end of this.
I was on the site before when it was WTO-siblings.
Maybe my friends from back then are still here.
Peace and Hugs.
Lilac

[Lilacs]

I can't seem to find my post.
My sister just cut me off again.
At least it isn't devastating this time.
I have accepted she has a problem.
I have a relationship w my husband that is good.
I have two grown kids.
I loved her and needed her love back. Then it got toxic and I'm not in such a bad place anymore.
I had a very long intro, but it got lost and I can't write that long right now.
She said she was ready to talk and she was in therapy and I must have questions.
Bit when I took her up on the officer she said it was clear what happened and then later listed all the ways I wronged her.
I wrote back very carefully that a lot of things happened that were very complicated etc etc. and her response was "Please stop texting me. Do not email or send me any mail either"
I am so scared she will tell our parents (70 & 75 years old who are still recovering from this rift in the past). I am scared she will contact my adult sons and my husband and triangulate again.
Help? 
Lilacs.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back Lilacs

Your intro wasn't lost fortunately, it's still here

It can be very hard dealing and communicating with a BPD sibling. BPD really is such a complex disorder and when a person has it, this often has significant consequences for the entire family.

I am so scared she will tell our parents (70 & 75 years old who are still recovering from this rift in the past). I am scared she will contact my adult sons and my husband and triangulate again.

Knowing what you know and having gone through what you've been through, I can understand your concerns. What might help is to practice mindfulness/meditation as this can help you keep your mind in the present and remain more calm. Have you ever practiced this? We have some information that you might find helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

When it comes to triangulation, I think it is helpful to explore the so-called Karpman drama Triangle:
Karpman Drama Triangle

Here's a short excerpt:
"Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking... .The drama obscures the real issues... .Solutions are no longer the focus.
... .
Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama."

Were you perhaps already familiar with the Karpman Triangle? Can you relate to the dynamics described here? In the article we also discuss the so-called Winning Triangle developed by Acey Choy. Choy contrasts the unhealthy dynamics of each role of the Karpman triangle with healthy dynamics
- Assert rather then persecute
- Be vulnerable, but not a victim
- Be caring, but don't overstep (rescue)

Dealing with BPD family-members can definitely be very challenging, fortunately we do have tools and resources here that can be helpful.

The Board Parrot

[formflier]

Lilacs,

It would seem that you do have a desire for a better relationship with your sister.  Do I have that right?

It also would seem good that your sister in in T (therapy) and wants to talk.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to say something along the lines of "I'm so glad you reached out.  Please have your therapist contact mine (give contact info) and I'm sure they can help guide us to reconnect in a healthy way."

I would work through your questions here... .first and also consider asking those questions later rather than earlier.

Best to you!

FF