Should we let her bottom out

[Gault]

Our daughter 18 has decided to challenge her indepence and start staying over a new boyfriends house on the weekends against our objections. She has a history of being sexually promiscuous. She is going to be a sr in high school next year which is an expensive private school that she has done poorly at. We love her dearly but wonder whether we should teach her about the responsibility that comes with independence and let her learn the hard way and hopefully then she will seek help. This would include not paying for her school or providing her with money since she has no job.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi Gault and welcome.  I am so sorry for the difficulty that you are having with your daughter and just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling.  We have a twenty year old daughter who has also challenged us similarly with boyfriends.  It seemed that when a new boyfriend came along, we no longer mattered and our house rules were meaningless. 

As for advice, I would say that before you "let her bottom out" just be sure that you are prepared for what could be unexpected consequences of that decision.  I know from experience that often what we want, or expect to happen when we issue ultimatums to our unpredictable BPD children, is not always what comes out the other end.  If you truly want your daughter to finish high school, perhaps threatening to withhold paying for her schooling is not something you want to do.  If she calls your bluff and says she is going to quit school if you won't pay, you may end up in a situation where you either have to back down or your daughter may not finish high school.  But perhaps your idea of not giving her spending money is something that will provide you some leverage over her that you can live with.  She learns that she cannot just walk all over your rules without consequences.

It is a difficult and frustrating situation with no easy answers.  I totally empathize with you.  You are not alone.    MomMae

[Gorges]

When my daughter at age 18, dropped out of college we let her be responsible for herself, finding an apartment, working etc.  She would do stupid things (quit impulsively); fight with boyfriend; feed an internet addition; the same stupid things that she did in our home.  I would think she bottomed out, but their bottoming out is not the same as ours.  Also, they seem to adjust to bottoming out.  We agreed to have her live back home with us as long as she follows the basic rules of no abuse or drugs.  I put a bunch of other expectations into our contract but those are hard to enforce and I am not at a point where I would ask her to leave if she was not meeting those expectations.  My daughter is more respectful towards us, and not doing drugs but she is still a train wreck in the making, watching too much youtube, not following through on tasks... .

I agree with Mommamae, letting them bottom out does not shock them into changing.  But, I would do what I did again in a heartbeat even though the results were bad for her.  It saved my sanity and my family's sanity.  We thrived without the constant drama of her in our home.  When she lived with us we did not feel safe emotionally and sometimes physically in our own home.   The three remaining people were a happy, caring, productive family.   I wouldn't let her bottom out thinking it will change her.  But, only you in the end can decide what you can and cannot live with at certain ages.

[Lollypop]

Hi Gault

My heart goes out to you as I know just how difficult it is navigating through the BPD dramas and challenges.

For what it's worth, I've never been able to use money as a leverage with my DS.  It has never worked.  A simple reasoning process "you do this, then I will pay this" is ineffective in my experience. Heavy handed disciplining just made things worse. My DS and his life got lower and lower, there seemed no end to his poor choices. He just couldn't behave any differently.

We all want the same thing in life: to be understood and to be loved. Understanding how and why somebody with BPD behaves the way they do takes a lot of learning.

He eventually returned home at 24 following a crisis and dx.

My DS (now 26) resisted growing up, he didn't want that responsibility. Looking back I just expected him to take it.  I didn't understand that he'd need to learn very very slowly with us emotionally supporting him as he did so.

Has anything else happened since you last posted?

What's your daughter's current BF like - a positive influence?

LP