Beginning the divorce process

[prof]

Hi everyone,

I just set up an appointment to begin filing for divorce from my uBPDw.

There's pretty lengthy series of threads about the last month or so leading up to this decision on the Conflicted/Deciding board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310633
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311784
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311785

There's also one earlier thread from this board I started shortly after I had a consultation with the lawyer a few weeks ago:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311008

TL:)R - I've spent most of our R/S becoming more and more codependent.  In the past month or so, I've started trying to reclaim myself and begin setting boundaries.  Emotions have become extremely intense, culminating in 3 separate 911 calls when uBPDw has threatened suicide.  Her family has also called for wellness checks, resulting in DFCS being called with concern about our 4-year-old son.  I've had enough.


Now how do I tell her?  She's threatened divorce multiple times throughout our R/S (including last night).  But her fear of abandonment is really high.  She has a recurring dream that I will leave her.  And now it's coming true.

Her dad and stepmom are in town visiting us (and staying in our house).  So she has some support here now.  I hate ruining their trip, but this seems like a halfway decent time to do this, as otherwise uBPDw really doesn't have anyone nearby.

[flourdust]

What do you want to happen when you tell her? Are you moving out of the house? Do you want her to move out?

Oh, I see you haven't yet met with the attorney yet. I suggest you hold off on telling your wife anything until you've met with the attorney to discuss your case, and get his/her advice on how to inform her.

[prof]

What do you want to happen when you tell her?

I'm expecting an epic rage and/or her begging and pleading for me to not go through with it.  I guess I want to minimize conflict as much as possible.  And for myself to remain strong through it!

Are you moving out of the house? Do you want her to move out?

Initially, I'd like to stay, as I've heard that's best for custody.  We'll see if the L has any other suggestions.  uBPDw has threatened to move out of state if one of us were to leave.  Often she threatens to bring S4 with her.

Oh, I see you haven't yet met with the attorney yet. I suggest you hold off on telling your wife anything until you've met with the attorney to discuss your case, and get his/her advice on how to inform her.

Sounds good -- thanks for your input!

[flourdust]

Initially, I'd like to stay, as I've heard that's best for custody.  We'll see if the L has any other suggestions.  uBPDw has threatened to move out of state if one of us were to leave.  Often she threatens to bring S4 with her.

Staying ... .and your wife moves out? Or are you thinking you'll cohabit during divorce? (Warning: Many have had this fantasy, but that way lies pain.)

Definitely have that conversation with your lawyer and get all your ducks in a row (i.e., be ready to file and be ready for whatever living arrangements changes need to happen) before telling your wife.

[HopefulDad]

I'm expecting an epic rage and/or her begging and pleading for me to not go through with it.  I guess I want to minimize conflict as much as possible.  And for myself to remain strong through it!

Most of the bolded is out of your control.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and expect the rage, but still say what needs to be said.

Initially, I'd like to stay, as I've heard that's best for custody.  We'll see if the L has any other suggestions.  uBPDw has threatened to move out of state if one of us were to leave.  Often she threatens to bring S4 with her.

Your last sentence is why you do not tell your STBX until you've filed.  Depending on where you live, the filing jurisdiction may have rules preventing moves away.  If you tip her off in advance of filing, she could preemptively move to another jurisdiction, file there and then you're the one stuck trying to get your kid back into your jurisdiction.  Don't be that guy.

Of course you run all of this by your lawyer.  He/she will know the rules of your jurisdiction regarding staying and its effect on custody as well as how viable a move way threat really is.

On a personal note, I had all of these concerns that my lawyer guided me through.  I was able to move out without the decision adversely affecting custody and there indeed were rules in place preventing move aways.

[HopefulDad]

Staying ... .and your wife moves out? Or are you thinking you'll cohabit during divorce? (Warning: Many have had this fantasy, but that way lies pain.)

Listen to this man regarding the bolded.  It really is fantasy.  You want to see tension ratcheted up?  Try living under the same roof with someone scared poopless about abandonment, yet has to face the person on a daily basis who filed paperwork to leave them.

[byfaith]

... .are you thinking you'll cohabit during divorce? (Warning: Many have had this fantasy, but that way lies pain.)

yes I can testify to that pain

There are so many factors involved, it seems, with moving out or staying. I am trying to nail my lawyer down now with why I can't move out and it seems I cannot get a concrete answer as to why I cannot.

Good luck prof... .I wish you the best

[Herodias]

Besides, in some states you have to live separate in order to get a divorce.

[prof]

I've encountered a pretty big issue.

I'm a college professor and have summers off.  (I'm teaching an online class right now, but work entirely from home.)  uBPDw teaches flute lessons from our home.  (Well she intends to, but has cancelled all but one so far this summer.)

So we're at home together all the time.  And uBPDw is extremely possessive of my time.  In the past, she has raged at me for hours for being 20 min later than I said I would be coming home from work.

Pretty much the only time I have away from her is running errands, almost exclusively with S4 in tow as uBPDw usually claims to not feel well enough to watch him, or when I've walked out during an escalating argument.  (Which has been pretty frequent in the last month!)

So here's my dilemma:  How can I get out of the house for meetings with my L without her catching on?  I've already had to reschedule today's original appointment for next Thursday due to another commitment uBPDw roped me into.  (Vet appointment for some of our foster kittens.)

I could tack it on to a shopping trip, but I'd likely have S4, which I want to avoid.

I could come up with some work-related excuse, but uBPDw would likely see right through this or try to get me to get out of it.  I claimed my original consultation with the L was a meeting with my dean, but uBPDw instantly knew that I was lying and figured out I was meeting with an L.  This caused an epic rage, complete with her blocking me from exiting my own home.  She also has very little respect for my time at my job and has convinced me to come home early most days and get out of evening/weekend commitments like graduation.

I could just up and leave for a while.  This always causes rages, and often she's assumed I've gone to the L anyway even when I haven't.

Any suggestions?

[flourdust]

I could just up and leave for a while. 

That seems to be your answer.

Let her rage. Do what you need to do.

[prof]

That seems to be your answer.

Let her rage. Do what you need to do.

Lol -- so clear and concise, and so obvious.  I've been so wrapped up in walking on eggshells all these years that I'm continuing to do so to the bitter end... .

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greeting Prof - yeah, it's funny huh?
The answer is right there and we (I) often don't pick it up.

That said, I know we are conditioned to be nice, and cooperate, and even answer to our spouse.  However, when it comes to this issue of divorce, the rules we follow have to change.

I look back and the first time I consciously lied to my wife* was at 17 years of marriage when I made an excuse to cover for me seeing a therapist.  It felt terrible.  But, like most things you feel terrible about, the more you do it, the better it feels.  I then built lies to cover my divorce attorney visits.  During one (the most expensive one), my wife called me on the cell phone and was being super nice, and upbeat, and supportive.  I played along - and felt terrible in the meantime.  It was still a worthwhile legal visit, and poignant memory.  That was about two years ago, and my wife still has no idea that I'm seriously considering divorce.  (it seems like I'm going for a record in length of indecision).   She did have an utter eruption when I told her much later that I had been going to therapy appointments. 

In addition, I want to defend the idea that each able-bodied adult owns their own time and money, and can spend it how and where they need to do so.  Please don't feel too bad for going to get legal appointments.  To cover with a misdirection is better than disclosure or a full-on lie, but, do what You need to do.   I mean, you're thinking of divorce - and worried about hurting her feelings about an appointment? (perspective check).

I'm adding my agreement that only when you are ready (ten steps ahead) is a good time to bring up the topic of divorce.  Although, some people even advocate keeping it so secret she has no idea until getting a court notice and summons in divorce court.


*as an educational footnote, I realized recently that I have been subconsciously lying (believing opposite my actions) to my wife since we got married 20 years ago.  Acting happy, and saying I loved her, and continuing in the role of dutiful husband was all a lie.  Having kids with her was a lie to her and the kids.  Staying with her through emotional abuse was a lie to my inner self.

[insideout77]

yes I can testify to that pain

There are so many factors involved, it seems, with moving out or staying. I am trying to nail my lawyer down now with why I can't move out and it seems I cannot get a concrete answer as to why I cannot.

You likely can move out, but I'm guessing its strategically better not to. Attorney's sometimes hesitate to give you advice that is not law based b/c if it does not work out, you know where you will direct the blame.

My attorney used words like "he is more comfortable with me staying in the house"  in-spite of the chaos that was going on. In the end my ExW actually left first and that left me with a big advantage in ultimately keeping the house which I wanted to do.

There is alot of Nuance. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

I have gotten the legal advice that for me to have a large snowballs' chance in you know where I should stay in the house and be super dad.  My state requires a year separation as grounds, so it could be a long haul for me. 
But always get excellent lawyers because this stuff can be very regional.

[prof]

*as an educational footnote, I realized recently that I have been subconsciously lying (believing opposite my actions) to my wife since we got married 20 years ago.  Acting happy, and saying I loved her, and continuing in the role of dutiful husband was all a lie.  Having kids with her was a lie to her and the kids.  Staying with her through emotional abuse was a lie to my inner self.

This is me exactly.

[ForeverDad]

There is no best solution, optimal method or perfect timing.  You do what you can, you do what you must.

As others have noted, you can't control her actions, reactions and overreactions.  Maybe you can handle them or address them but you can't navigate this path for a better future without some things getting out of hand.  Have strategies, both with your experienced lawyer as well as here from peer support.

Beware too that she may be accustomed to interrogating you and you appeasing and complying.  This ties into boundaries.  You need some better boundaries (research here) and yes she will most certainly try to tear them down faster than you can build them.  So ponder which boundaries are most important to establish now.  Figure out how to say "No, I have other plans" without feeling cornered or guiltified if only for a quiet walk in a park.

If she has ever threatened you then be sure to protect yourself legally.  The consensus here is that if you've been threatened with allegations, or even allegations pondered or contemplated, then they will happen, given enough time.  Sadly, as much as we had hoped our spouses would be our best friends, a separation often triggered extreme attempts to make us look worse than them.  How will you address her calling the police on claims and allegations?  Or her filing restraining or protection orders, though unsubstantiated?  Be aware.  Beware.

[Grey Kitty]

Two suggestions for you:

1. How do you tell her you want a divorce? If you expect things to go sideways (sounds like yes!), make it part of your divorce plan with your legal team before you start talking to her about it.

2. How do you see your lawyer?

I'd suggest creating and enforcing a new boundary this summer, and here's how I would state it:

"I will spent time away from my wife doing things I want to do this summer."

Simply declare to yourself that you won't be accounting every minute that you are away from her for her evaluation and judgement. And refuse to when she pushes.

And let her rage, but remove yourself from her presence when she does so.

(I'd recommend doing this to visit the park, have lunch with a friend, etc. at first before you do it to see your lawyer as well!)