Supporting our grandson, with a mother with BPD

[Cape to Wings]

Our daughter is self diagnosing as BPD.  All textbook symptoms fit.  As do other diagnosis;  she was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, when she admitted herself to hospital during a manic episode, about 8 years ago (this was the peak of her mental illness prior to any treatment and years of turmoil leading into the episode; in which we were all struggling to understand what was happening within our family).  Six months later with treatment and therapy, she was reduanosed with Phsycosis, and after another 3-6 months with the support of a team of professionals and with our family also in therapy to understand where we were and coping strategies ... .she was redianosed as early phsycosis.
She met a young man and became pregnant shortly after ... .social services was brought in once, when baby was 3-4 months old, when number of incidents (she shared split information with numerous other family members bringing the information to me ... .of which I finally shared all with our family therapist during a session ... .and SS was called in to check on the family).  She was lambasted, and completely did not see it coming.  It was an absolutely necessary event, that I and her therapist can not regret (it improved the parenting), but it damaged our relationships and we still deal with that from time to time.
We were restricted from seeing baby for several months (understandable) and have been back to bi-weekly weekend stays with our grandson since then.
They have had upheaval in their relationship (moving, splitting up, moving back together ... .weekly fights etc).  Number one steady is dayhome and stays with us.
She is approaching 30 yrs of age and improving in regulating her reactions, though when she does react, she has become much more physically violent toward her partner.  He is in a volatile environment, and is often isolated.  I worry for him.  Their son Is now 2.5 YO ... .who is impacted by his environment.  A lot of "incidents" have occurred, and it is very difficult to determine, what the relationships are like Day to day (a lot of secrecy involved).  What is normal and what is related to BPD behaviour.
Since baby has come along our focus has shifted to the health and safety of him and his environment ... .and with this new consideration of BPD diagnosis ... .her reactions and suspicions toward us make more sense (couldn't figure out how her concern for his welfare wasn't automatically top of the list.  Instead often most concerned primarily with herself).
How do we best support our little family?
She has worked very hard to understand what's happening within herself.  Her partner is exhausted and his responses are verbally and emotionally abusive as well.  Baby is in the middle of the chaos.  He is very sweet, but often scared.  We try to have him often to free up mom and dad, as well as provide a break in the environment.
My husband has become indifferent.  I'm often a trigger for her.  She loves and hates me.  It's hard.  We used to be extremely close, and I miss her.  Same time, I don't want be around her. 
Where can we go, as parents and grandparents to optimize our support and impact and minimize triggering stress and outbursts for their family, from our position?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[takingandsending]

Hi Cape to Wings and welcome to bpdfamily. 

Your situation is unique in a lot of ways.
1) It's really unusual for your daughter to self-diagnose. I am sure she is in a lot of pain and is trying to figure out how to get control of her life. That is incredibly positive and encouraging!
2) As a parent, you are very supportive and compassionate. That is also really helpful.

BPD is a hard illness. The behaviors of your daughter that you love, possibly her creativity, passion, caring disappear and are replaced with rage, aggression and inability to communicate without being triggered. That's the double edged sword that people caring for or caring about someone with a mental illness face - the loss of behaviors you love and the addition of behaviors that challenge you. So, I really understand what a whirlwind it can be.

You mentioned your daughter is trying to regulate her behaviors/reactions. Is she receiving any therapy or in a program like DBT? If not, I really recommend encouraging her and assisting her in finding a therapist and group for DBT. It's the most effective, current treatment for BPD.

Second, you mentioned that her child's father is in the volatility and possibly in domestic violence. That cannot continue. There are links on the website here to domestic violence tools, https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm. Please send these to him and tell him about this website. Sounds like he needs support.

Third, is your grandson seeing a child therapist? If not, is it something that you think you could suggest to your daughter? At his age, the therapist should be entirely play based and also familiar with working with children with BPD parents. On your and your husband's side - yes! please keep giving the parents breaks when and where you can, as it also gives your grandson access to healthy, safe, consistent attachment, which he desperately needs. When you are with him, provide him with a lot of validation ... .validation to whatever feeling or experience he shares. Ask validating questions that can help him sort out his feelings, maybe through stories or television shows, like ":)oes it feel safe when people are yelling?" This type of question gives a kid a chance to speak safely and be heard. He will need as much of that you can give him.

Lastly, there may be a board that is a little better suited to this topic. Would you be okay if this thread were moved to either the parenting a BPD board or the co parenting a child board?

I really appreciate you coming here to ask questions and learn. Your daughter has a good ally. And it is incredibly stressful and hard to negotiate the ups and downs of BPD. There is a lot of great information and resources and community support on this website, and I hope you keep reading and posting.