Still in love but so tired...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  I just purchased "stop walking on eggshells" ... .I'm only into the first chapter and am choked up with relief to finally know that I'm not alone. I'm a strong and independent woman who fell in love with a man and his 3 children 14 years ago ... .I also have a wonderful son of my own who is now the oldest of the 4 brothers.  Our family has been through so much together and I'm so very proud of the stable and happy home my husband and I have built for our boys and ourselves. The boys were really young when we started this journey together ... .their mother had a lot of issues of her own and it wasn't long before we became a full time family of 6. My husband and I worked hard and always had difficulty in our relationship (I could easily have checked off 5 of the 9 things listed in the "is this book for you" section after our first year together) but we love each other very much and decided to work hard to make it work. Then 2 years ago my husband lost his dad to cancer - something in him took a very sharp turn for the worse and he stopped trying.  He changed, became more insecure and less trusting then he already was, started embellishing and was super sensitive all the time. If I "sighed" because the boys didn't empty the dishwasher it would cause WWIII. He was close to his Dad and was grief stricken but his overreactions to things started tearing our family apart. A month later he lost his job, then he had an incident at his best friends house and they kicked him out and a year later he lost his mother and his favorite Aunt.  My husband has been spiraling for years and all the symptoms which made him difficult to live with before have escalated to us being in crisis mode.

I've been working so hard to keep our family afloat financially and then found out a year ago that instead of spending time on job search sites he had been playing around on dating sites. He swears he didn't cross the line or cheat and I believe him - but it broke my heart just the same. I've been working so hard to support our family financially and emotionally and just feel so betrayed.  He said he was sorry but I'm not allowed to bring it up without him getting extremely defensive. I started walking on eggshells and am no longer my authentic self in my own home. If I'm laughing too loud at a party, I'm flirting.  If I don't answer my phone right away he will call me 20 times until I pick up.  He's accused me of having affairs.
Our two oldest are out of college and out on their own, the 3rd is leaving for college in January and the youngest struggles with his own issues and has 2 years of high school left.  My husband isn't accountable for anything - he is now bartending and paying a tenth of our bills but it's not enough.  I'm so tired and feel so guilty because I know I'm giving up.  I'm giving up on the only thing I've ever wanted my entire life - my family. 

I told him we have to sell the house because I can't afford it myself any longer. We're working to fix it up for the fall market. I started discussing a separation after we sell the house and he swears he's going to get a job and save us from falling apart ... .but I'm not seeing the effort and have heard this before. I'm losing hope.  I could have lived with this disorder before but can't live with him not being accountable for anything. I'm giving 120%, I'm exhausted and what's worse are my efforts are not expected and not appreciated.  I love him but I have one foot out the door.

thanks for listening... .I'm going to read chapter 2 now ... . 

[Dusty0808]

  I just purchased "stop walking on eggshells" ... .I'm only into the first chapter and am choked up with relief to finally know that I'm not alone. I'm a strong and independent woman who fell in love with a man and his 3 children 14 years ago ... .I also have a wonderful son of my own who is now the oldest of the 4 brothers.  Our family has been through so much together and I'm so very proud of the stable and happy home my husband and I have built for our boys and ourselves. The boys were really young when we started this journey together ... .their mother had a lot of issues of her own and it wasn't long before we became a full time family of 6. My husband and I worked hard and always had difficulty in our relationship (I could easily have checked off 5 of the 9 things listed in the "is this book for you" section after our first year together) but we love each other very much and decided to work hard to make it work. Then 2 years ago my husband lost his dad to cancer - something in him took a very sharp turn for the worse and he stopped trying.  He changed, became more insecure and less trusting then he already was, started embellishing and was super sensitive all the time. If I "sighed" because the boys didn't empty the dishwasher it would cause WWIII. He was close to his Dad and was grief stricken but his overreactions to things started tearing our family apart. A month later he lost his job, then he had an incident at his best friends house and they kicked him out and a year later he lost his mother and his favorite Aunt.  My husband has been spiraling for years and all the symptoms which made him difficult to live with before have escalated to us being in crisis mode.

I've been working so hard to keep our family afloat financially and then found out a year ago that instead of spending time on job search sites he had been playing around on dating sites. He swears he didn't cross the line or cheat and I believe him - but it broke my heart just the same. I've been working so hard to support our family financially and emotionally and just feel so betrayed.  He said he was sorry but I'm not allowed to bring it up without him getting extremely defensive. I started walking on eggshells and am no longer my authentic self in my own home. If I'm laughing too loud at a party, I'm flirting.  If I don't answer my phone right away he will call me 20 times until I pick up.  He's accused me of having affairs.
Our two oldest are out of college and out on their own, the 3rd is leaving for college in January and the youngest struggles with his own issues and has 2 years of high school left.  My husband isn't accountable for anything - he is now bartending and paying a tenth of our bills but it's not enough.  I'm so tired and feel so guilty because I know I'm giving up.  I'm giving up on the only thing I've ever wanted my entire life - my family. 

I told him we have to sell the house because I can't afford it myself any longer. We're working to fix it up for the fall market. I started discussing a separation after we sell the house and he swears he's going to get a job and save us from falling apart ... .but I'm not seeing the effort and have heard this before. I'm losing hope.  I could have lived with this disorder before but can't live with him not being accountable for anything. I'm giving 120%, I'm exhausted and what's worse are my efforts are not expected and not appreciated.  I love him but I have one foot out the door.

thanks for listening... .I'm going to read chapter 2 now ... . 

[Radcliff]

Hello Dusty0808,

Welcome!  I am so glad you've found us.  I am also glad that you've not lost touch with what was good in the past, and that you've accomplished so much of what you wanted to do by raising your boys.  Keep reading Eggshells, and I hope you find as much support on these boards as I have.  Spend some time browsing this page as well, with the resources at the right.  As you read and things come up, please post with any questions you have, or things you would like to talk about. 

[flourdust]

Hi, Dusty, and welcome! It's commonly reported that people with BPD can indeed become more unstable as a result of life stressors - deaths and job losses, for example. It sounds like your short-term goal is to sell the house, and then to separate?

[Rose21]

HI Dusty0808,

It sounds like you have been in your relationship much longer than i have i was with my BPD for 5 years and we have 1 child together that is almost 4 years old, my husband was the same way i felt as though my life was dedicated to simply pleasing him/ avoiding him at all cost in order to not cause any issues, a servant in my own home at one point i left and put so much guilt on myself that i left him at such a vulnerable time in his life but i knew i had lost myself so much so that once i split up all of the anger the pain the insults had barely hit me. It was then that i realized that this man even though he loved me loved to control me alot more. After the separation i found another man that has given me a glimpse of what a normal relationship is and should be hes shown me love should not hurt and is patient and kind it felt nice to feel so appreciated for once, This man is amazing but i still deal with guilt everyday i loved my husband more than life itself and i feel as though i will never truly love a man again as much as i loved him i still question my decision but only time will tell. focus on your needs and what you can handle because if you are not ok everything else, trust me, will fall apart stay strong with what ever  decision you choose make sure you consider yourself and not just about what others will say or feel about it.you and your needs mean everything. much love

[Radcliff]

Hi Dusty0808,

It's been a few days.  I reread your post, and thought I'd check in to see how you're doing?