Well the predictable finally happened

[Bushes]

After going a month of NC I made the mistake of responding to and engaging in a text message barrage. Which led to a phone conversation. Which led to it going all night to the point where we ended the conversation and I went to work. Even though I know in my head completely the scene that was playing out I couldn't help but feel so very engaged in speaking with the person I once New for the first half of our relationship. She owned up to her infidelity, assumed responsibility and seemed so completely genuine in her regret and professed love for me. It just seemed so genuine. My head knew better but I was drawn in. I'm sure she felt her feelings honestly at the time. Even an I love you be careful driving text. Then more after and during the work day. Of course this was triggered by an incident with the replacement. And as I knew would happen and told her the same after they spoke today I hear nothing. I told her if she still felt the same we could spend an afternoon together Saturday. Stressing I don't think I can come back from all that's happened. She was so convincingly set on this that I actually thought it may have led to at least some sort of resolution. Even though I obtained the bulk of that so elusive thing last night of which I am grateful. She had even said how her mood disorder ruined what we once had. In any event I knew in my head exactly what was happening yet was so happy to be speaking with the person I had fallen so in love with I just went with it. I will say I made it clear there would be no physical contact after she had said how very much she wanted that. Then after being very firm in negating that she said it was some sort of test. To be clear I truly had zero intention of getting back in that roller coaster of BPD. Truthfully I was a bit hopeful the person I loved may have been around for Saturday and we could have at least changed the dynamic of our inevitable breakup somewhat. I guess I'm at a loss as to how to respond when I do hear from her again, especially if it is this week and she expects to get together Saturday. I would welcome any thoughts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm confused.

You made plans for Saturday, but you're expecting her not to show up?

It may help if you can release all expectations one way or the other. Have something else scheduled to do if she doesn't so that you are not sitting there, ruminating.

Even if she does show up, it's best to release the expectations of who or what she might be. Detach from all of that and just let yourself be in the moment.

I realize that all of those words are easy for me to write, but much harder to put into practice. It is something that we can all learn to do however. The expectations are created by thoughts that result from the emotions we feel. If we can recognize the emotions for what they are, just feel them, and not dwell on them, we can better handle the thoughts that go with them.

What things can you say to yourself when you find yourself sitting with expectations?

[Red5]

@Bushes,

You wrote, "Of course this was triggered by an incident with the replacement. "… by this you mean her new sig/other?

If this is the case, you have all the information you need to make the decision to take the right path forward, I as well was discarded, and replaced, several times over the course of 21 years of marriage… and when the newbie did not work out, she wanted to come home, and since we had been married for 9-10 years the first time, and had three kids, I gave in, even though divorce papers had been served, she was even going to let the children stay with me, but she came home crying buckets, and said she was “so sorry”, so we “reconciled”, and this turn of events only prolonged things for another eleven years, and she did it all again, but did not come back this last time, Lord knows how many I knew nothing about over the years as I traveled quite a lot in my career for months at a time, as she only told me of the others (her lovers) she wanted me to know about (hurt)… that was ten years ago now, In the end she left for good, and I was a single father until my children grew up and went on their own,

Be careful, as I do no think these ladies ever change,

V/R
Red5

[Bushes]

What I'm thinking and saying is that inmy experience with her as well my understanding of BPD in general such as it is is that the thoughts and feelings expressed at one time can utterly change in the next moment. It has certainly been my experience with her, often minute to minute. So I can't say I expect a week to pass where she feels the same way. It comes down to what she may be exposed to or whatever thoughts she may have that trigger some sort of episode for lack of a better word. It can be something as simple as spilling a drink or simply a thought that pops in her head. This is all I'm saying. I really don't have expectations so to speak. Nor do I have expectations as to a result or who or what she might be if we do follow through and meet. Who she is or more accurately her mood and how she treats people can and does change at times moment to moment. Sweet, funny, angry, cruel and back again through a span of an hour or much less at times. I've learned to not have expectations in relation to her especially in the last few months. And I'm ok with that reality. To maybe be more concise ideally I would like to adjust the narrative of our relationship and it's end away from one of deceit , mistrust , mood disorders and the negative connotations that have permeated the entire experience from split to now. Move it away from the spectrum of the extreme let's say. My actual feelings at this point are at most yes it's a shame she isn't who I thought she was but I have no designs on pretending that isn't the case. I'm more focused on moving on and being a part of a healthy relationship without BPD associations at some point in the future with someone else if and when that time comes. But I truly have no expectations as to anything other than a conversation that comes from a good place that either hopefully goes well or regrettably doesn't.

[Bushes]

Thanks Ted5 thanks for sharing your experience sounds like the most difficult imaginable. Good to hear you have taken the experience in and spent time understanding it. That is a long time but at least not forever. It definitely isn't my intention to reunite or rekindle a relationship and you so kindly sharing your experience has been very helpful in reaffirming that. Thank you so much for that I appreciate it so very much.