just need to vent. SD covering for uBPDm as usual.

[Nope]

I need to vent. And I'm not looking for "the poor kid is stuck in the middle" responses. SD14 just got back from 3 weeks with her uBPDM. Kids live with us full time and only see BM maybe twice a year for every other major school break. I had stated my concerns to SD14 that BM would ask her a lot of questions about my new baby girl. SD14 acted like I was overreacting and BM wouldn't care. Well SD14 is now back and I asked her if BM asked a lot of questions about the baby. She said no. I usually can't tell when SD14 is lying to me (DH is much better at it). But by the look on her face she was blatently lying. It's clear that not only did her mom ask a whole lot of questions, but she answered every single one of them and now won't tell me anything about those conversations.

But you know what, it's ok. I'm just the step mom and with the kids living here full time and being "close" with them because I do everything for them, I occasionally need the reminder of where I actually stand. Sometimes I forget that I have little spies for BM under my roof 24/7.

[livednlearned]

It can feel downright unsafe and violating when your step kids have a BPD mama

And having a new baby would make me feel super protective. Plus, it's not like you can hide everything. With SO's D20 and D23, if I don't want my business trafficked back to their mom, I can keep a lid on those topics. With a baby, I can see how it would be harder to have that privacy.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all that, on top of the lying.

SO's kids are 20 and 23, so I can detach more easily and it's not as noticeable than it would be if they were younger, like your SD is.

[NorthernGirl]

Nope -- I've found the lying one of the hardest things to deal with in our home. SS23 (who has special needs) has lied many times to protect his Mom. The worst was when I heard him on the phone saying how he sat outside our bedroom to listen in on a conversation DH was having with his lawyer. I don't even know what he heard but it was gut-wrenching to hear the glee in his voice as he told his Mom how he'd spied. I walked away and told DH. DH confronted him, but felt sorry for him ("poor guy, caught in the middle" but I wasn't willing to let it go so fast. SS23 asked what I'd heard about what he'd said about ME. I didn't know he'd even talked about me but it confirmed what he would do to earn his mom's praise.

It's hard not to trust someone living under our roof. I love SS23 and have done so much for him. But I continue to believe he would throw me under the bus if it meant earning praise from his mom. I know he has had it hard trying to please a BPD mom. But it doesn't make it any easier to live with the lying.

[Thunderstruck]

Yeah, that would feel creepy and like a violation of privacy! Ugh. We typically don't even ask SD what she talks about with uBPDbm. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss. 

uBPDbm wanted to drop SD off at our house. No thank you! I don't need a pwBPD bringing her rage cyclone to where my babies are.