Daughter lying in Therapy. What's the point...

[atmywitsendtoo]

I feel so hopeless and very afraid for the baby my daughter will be having six weeks from now. I have been going to therapy with my daughter and in therapy she would talk about all the awful things that supposed happened to her in her home life that never happened to her, and when I would talk about something she had done she would deny that she had ever done it. We just kept contradicting each other.

During one session my daughter told an elaborate story about a conversation she had recently with one of our old neighbors who knew my daughter when she was little. My daughter said that while visiting with that old neighbor during the birthday party for the neighbor's daughter (who grew up with my daughter) this neighbor told her that I was a negligent mother who was always sleeping and who left my daughter and her daughter unsupervised while I slept and because of this she banned her daughter from ever coming over to our home again. She also said the neighbor said that my husband would be the better caertaker for our grandchild because I was such a negligant mother. I was stunned when my daughter recounted this in therapy. She played on every ounce of goult a working mother could ever have just to hurt me as much as she could. It was a crule thing to say. It was even cruler because it was a fabrication. It was true that when my daighter was little my hunband was out of work and was the caretaker while I worked crazy hours in retail and came home exhausted, but my husband was always there to supervise the children. I could not believe that our old neighbor would say such things about me in casual conversation with my daighter so I phoned her. I explained what my daughter had recounter about their conversation while in therapy. I told her that I would not blame her if she HAD said those things about me but I just really needed to know the truth. I needed to know if my daughter was lying about what they had talked about. This old neighbot of ours was shocked at my daughters verson of their conversation. She said that the only thing that even slightly resembled the truth was that she did say that my husband would probably be looking after the baby more because again I am working and he just got laid off.

The doctor did not know who to believe as we contradicted each other in therapy and in exhaspiration he said "the next thing is neurological testing for the both of you". After that I wrote the doctor a six page letter telling him about my daughter's volatile history, telling him that our neighbor said that none of what my daughter recounted was true, telling him that this old neighbor was willing to speak with him about this, and telling him about my history which is much more stable than my daughter's. I gave him the name and phone number of a psychiatrist that I have been seeing for over 20 years saying that he could attest to my honesty and my stability.

Today in therapy with my daughter she was trashing me somemore, saying how awful I was and I just could not take it any more. I told my daughter that I knew that she had a problem with honesty because I had phoned our old neighbor who said that none of what my daughter said was true. The therpist suggested phoning this old neighbor during the session and I did. We put her on speaker phone and she backed me up saying that she had never said any such things about me and that all she knew was that I loved muy daughter. My daughter refused to participate in the conversation. After we hung up the phone I kept asking my daughter if this neighbor was a liar and she refused to answer me. The theripist urged her to answer me and she finally said, yes SHE is ia liar. My daughter said that she no longer wanted to attend therapy with me. We drove home in silence and I do not know what will happen next.

She finally got caught red handed in a whopper of  lie and it made me wonder about all the lies she must have told over the years. She was always treated poorly by others and I always advocated for her and took her side even to the point if becoming estranged from my own sisters, but today I realized that this girl has been playing me like a fiddle.

I worry so much for her baby. Will the baby be just like she is? Will the baby be a victum of my daughter's machinations and manipulations? How can I save this baby from my daughter? If my daughter turned out so poorly litterally I do not know how I can save this baby from my daughter because apparently I had no idea how to prevent my daughter from developing such a twisted personality.

This is all so relentlessly hard!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

I'm so sorry , this must be horrific for you to sit and listen to , I can only imagine how hurt and frustrated you must feel . My DD hasn't told any massive whoppers yet but she does tend to twist things and has a selective memory of events and I'm beginning to be the target of this . In our family session last week she accused me of being responsible for " scaring her friends away with my constant harassment of them and it's so embarrassing that I call her friends looking for her  ". I'm annoyed with myself for missing the Opportunity to validate her feelings of embarrassment because I went straight into self defense mode ! By reminding her of the reasons why I have her friends telephone numbers ( it was an agreed safety plan after one of her many hospitalizations ). Whenever her friends get worried about her , ( i.e. When she is sending them all " I'm gong to kill myself , I love you all , goodbye texts ) they are to call me first rather than Calling the police , as this helps to prevent a potential hospital readmisson , and I argued that I will indeed contact her friends if she stays out all night or is late coming home because I need to know she's at least safe and I make no apologies for that !) . In her own twisted mind , it's my fault that she's losing her friends ( when in actual fact it's her own behaviors ).
I understand now though that our BPD's need to justify their own feelings and emotions so can make things up ! Also , they hate to feel they are wrong or " bad" in any way and find it hard to accept personal responsibility for their difficulties , so look to blame others . And they get so wrapped up in the lie own stories , they actually believe it's true ! Even when caught left handed in a lie !
Sounds like this is what your DD is doing .  No words of wisdom to offer Amy , I'm just rubbish at offering useful advice . Just know you are not alone xxx

[atmywitsendtoo]

Hi Yepanotherone,

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I always knew she had some serious problems but it just really hit me after the events of today just how disturbed she reaally is. She had periods of time when she seems relatively OK, but all during her pregnancy she has been viscious. She can control it to a degree. For instance her poor treatment of me usually takes place in the car when I am giving her a ride somewhere where nobody else can witness her poor behvior. My husband onlyrecently came to understand how really troubled she is because he never heard or saw her poor behavior with me. I think I tried not to really think about what all this poor behvior added up to until today and it adds up to someone who will probably be a nightmare of a mother and who will probably never develop a long lasting meaningful relationship with anyone. She sheds friends like they are  nothing to her because she is always trolling facebook to mee new friends to eventually abuse and lose. She will probably be dependant on us and will continue to torture me until the end of my days.

At one point the therapist asked her how she was going to handle caring for as we get old and feable beacuse she is so impatiant with me now. When he asked her that I blurted out "elder abuse" like somneone with tourettes involuntarilly blurting out a curse word. I said that she will undoubtedly lock us in some bathroom without food for days on end.

As you can tell I am very low right now. I know you don't have the answers because BPD has a poor prognosis. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. xoxo to you too!

[Gorges]

I think it is pretty common for them to lie in therapy.  My daughter also would lie to me about what the therapist said.  Now, my daughter is only allowed to live with us if she attends therapy and is honest.  She actually did ask for me to come with her in order to get my perspective.  Boy, are things different when they want to make the change and see their role in the problem.  I don't know how you let your daughter get to that point with a baby involved.  I am sorry, but please know that you are not alone with this issue.  It is a big one.  At least your therapist sounds good.