Help I need adviceFinding housing for Low income elderly MIL with BPD.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My BPD MIL has been living with my husband's brother, SIL, and nephew, all which have their own problems including alcohol and drug addiction and disability.

They never wanted her there, but she had nowhere to go after my now husband moved an hour away to live with me. He was pushed to do so because he was caught up in a legal situation that he had nothing to do with, simply by living with her. It was stressful at the time, but drastic enough for him to leave her clutches for self preservation.

The rental house they have lived in for more than a decade is getting put on the market out from under them, but they have also told her she is not welcome to come with them when and if they find a new home.

She vilifies them constantly, but when speaking to my husband's brother and SIL, they say all they have asked her is to keep a peaceful household, which she is incapable of.

Nobody has directly mentioned her moving in with us, but I know its coming. I am the main breadwinner of my household, as my husband is trying to catch up with school and moving forward with a career, that she kept him from having earlier. We bought a house less than a year ago- only because of my job and a gift from my parents was this possible, and we are very tight on money. To his family it probably looks like a mansion because none of them know whats its like to work hard for what you have and to not blow their money on drugs and alcohol.  I do feel for my husbands SIL because despite her serious alcoholism, she is the only one who has a job and supports the entire household. She takes the brunt of the abuse from my MIL, who blames her for EVERYTHING! She has been selfless and been the only one to help my MIL in many tough sitations since I have known them, yet my MIL hates her guts and treats her like scum.

I don't have any desire to be in that situation, and in fact, I flat out refuse to be put in that situation. If she were living with us, I would end up being abused just like my husband's SIL, and I see that. Not only that, I love my husband, and I see how toxic his mother is to him more than he does. Since we have lived together for 5 years, he has had the opportunity to "grow up" so to speak and has accomplished so many things that were never possible with her in his life daily. She kept him from getting a drivers license because she told him he had no hope of affording a car anyway. Then she drained his savings when he was about to buy a car with it. He slaved a way working to pay for her expenses and to keep a roof over their heads. He never had a chance to live a carefree life or to just hang out with friends as a teenager or young adult because he always had the pressure of supporting his mother. She would then take every penny and blow it and buy frivolous things for other family members, etc. He is an amazingly resilient person and I believe blocks things out as a coping mechanism. This is bad sometimes because he forgets and forgives his mom when he really shouldnt.

Today I talked with her privately while my husband was at work and she was being dramatic about saying she will  live in her car after they have to move out of the rental house. I tried to keep a helpful tone and asked if she had looked at any housing options. She hates everybody pretty much and only has about 2 friends who she vilifies regularly and refuses to discuss rooming with. I wonder why they still call her or consider her a friend at all.

When I got to speak with my husband in private, I let him know what she told me, and that he may need to help his mom look for a place to live very soon. I also reminded him that it is a non- negotiable to me if the idea or her living with us ever comes up. I reminded him that we have worked too hard to be where we are and we deserve to build our new marriage in peace.( We don't even have an extra bedroom so there is really no place for her anyway- she would be happy camping  out on our sofa i suppose and taking over the TV!)

My husband got very stressed and upset, and we decided to talk about it later  ( he was driving at the time). He feels the same way I do, but his mom knows exactly how to manipulate him. He stands up to her more and more, the longer he is separated from her, but she is a master of guilt tripping him. I know that if she actually ever was living in her car, he would have a hard time denying her, and if she came to our home, even  temporarily, she would never leave.

I need some major advice here! I am very stressed. She is the one factor that I feel could break our brand new marriage.

[BLOOMood]

My BPD MIL has been living with my husband's brother, SIL, and nephew, all which have their own problems including alcohol and drug addiction and disability.

They never wanted her there, but she had nowhere to go after my now husband moved an hour away to live with me. He was pushed to do so because he was caught up in a legal situation that he had nothing to do with, simply by living with her. It was stressful at the time, but drastic enough for him to leave her clutches for self preservation.

The rental house they have lived in for more than a decade is getting put on the market out from under them, but they have also told her she is not welcome to come with them when and if they find a new home.

She vilifies them constantly, but when speaking to my husband's brother and SIL, they say all they have asked her is to keep a peaceful household, which she is incapable of.

Nobody has directly mentioned her moving in with us, but I know its coming. I am the main breadwinner of my household, as my husband is trying to catch up with school and moving forward with a career, that she kept him from having earlier. We bought a house less than a year ago- only because of my job and a gift from my parents was this possible, and we are very tight on money. To his family it probably looks like a mansion because none of them know whats its like to work hard for what you have and to not blow their money on drugs and alcohol.  I do feel for my husbands SIL because despite her serious alcoholism, she is the only one who has a job and supports the entire household. She takes the brunt of the abuse from my MIL, who blames her for EVERYTHING! She has been selfless and been the only one to help my MIL in many tough sitations since I have known them, yet my MIL hates her guts and treats her like scum.

I don't have any desire to be in that situation, and in fact, I flat out refuse to be put in that situation. If she were living with us, I would end up being abused just like my husband's SIL, and I see that. Not only that, I love my husband, and I see how toxic his mother is to him more than he does. Since we have lived together for 5 years, he has had the opportunity to "grow up" so to speak and has accomplished so many things that were never possible with her in his life daily. She kept him from getting a drivers license because she told him he had no hope of affording a car anyway. Then she drained his savings when he was about to buy a car with it. He slaved a way working to pay for her expenses and to keep a roof over their heads. He never had a chance to live a carefree life or to just hang out with friends as a teenager or young adult because he always had the pressure of supporting his mother. She would then take every penny and blow it and buy frivolous things for other family members, etc. He is an amazingly resilient person and I believe blocks things out as a coping mechanism. This is bad sometimes because he forgets and forgives his mom when he really shouldnt.

Today I talked with her privately while my husband was at work and she was being dramatic about saying she will  live in her car after they have to move out of the rental house. I tried to keep a helpful tone and asked if she had looked at any housing options. She hates everybody pretty much and only has about 2 friends who she vilifies regularly and refuses to discuss rooming with. I wonder why they still call her or consider her a friend at all.

When I got to speak with my husband in private, I let him know what she told me, and that he may need to help his mom look for a place to live very soon. I also reminded him that it is a non- negotiable to me if the idea or her living with us ever comes up. I reminded him that we have worked too hard to be where we are and we deserve to build our new marriage in peace.( We don't even have an extra bedroom so there is really no place for her anyway- she would be happy camping  out on our sofa i suppose and taking over the TV!)

My husband got very stressed and upset, and we decided to talk about it later  ( he was driving at the time). He feels the same way I do, but his mom knows exactly how to manipulate him. He stands up to her more and more, the longer he is separated from her, but she is a master of guilt tripping him. I know that if she actually ever was living in her car, he would have a hard time denying her, and if she came to our home, even  temporarily, she would never leave.

I need some major advice here! I am very stressed. She is the one factor that I feel could break our brand new marriage.

[GaGrl]

How old is your MIL? What are her current financial resources?

[Notwendy]

Good for you for holding the boundaries. I agree- it would be very difficult to have her live with you.  I feel the same way about my own mother- it would not be good for me. My H would not want her to move in for that reason- it would not be good for us.

Still, there is something horrible imagining one's own mother living on the streets. I honestly don't know how I would manage that possibility. I can understand your H's ambivalence about the idea. Even an abusive mother is still one's only mother and children do form an attachment to their own mothers.

Yet, in the larger picture- neither you or your H are responsible for your MIL's decisions, or the decisions of his family- if they choose to do drugs and alcohol, not be responsible for their own basic needs and expenses- it is not your responsibility to fix that. It appears that your SIL has stepped in as the enabler for this and has decided she has had enough.

Where I see a potential issue ( besides your MIL) is the possible differences in how you feel about this and how your H manages your individual feelings about this. For the adult children in dysfunctional families- we have had to survive in that context- and so we have adapted some not so functional behaviors to cope- such as tending towards co-dependency. As children we have been under our BPD parent's control- it is all we know to do. We need to learn new behaviors. I see where he knows he wants to change this, but it is difficult for him as well.

This is the main issue- learning to be able to hold boundaries with his mother. MIL's situation may be unstable in general. She could find low income housing for a while, then lose it, or have other circumstances. If the family is chaotic and irresponsible- these are things that are not solved with finding the next place to stay.

I see where you are coming from- but consider this. It is her problem to find a place to stay. If you step in and fix it for her, this is still you solving her problem. Basically, it is her problem. The boundary to consider is - whose problem is this? It is mainly hers. It becomes your problem if you let her move in with you- but you have that choice.

Yes, it is disconcerning to imagine her living in her car, but faced with that prospect, she may find a solution - unless that solution is provided for her.

Your wish to find a place for her makes sense- you want to protect your life with your H. So it is a good idea to look at what options there may be for her and present them at the time you say "no" ( if it happens) but I think it will help to be clear about whose problem is this- and allow her to be responsible for that.

Social services may be of help- as they may have resources for the mentally ill or elderly.