Out of control

[snowglobe]

Hello all,
I thought I'd give a little update on my current setuation. My uBPDh has been spinning out of control for three weeks now. Not only he is splitting several times a day from raving lunatic, triggered by the most benilgn things such as the sound of my voice, to me driving my children to their extra curricular. I'm on a tightest leash ever financially, I don't know how I'm going to pay all of our bills this month, he controls all of the financials. Once a month, or as needed he graciously gives me money to cover therapy or pay for our daughters needs as well as bills. This month, however, I had to practically beg him and humiliate myself to get money for our kids needs, I still haven't seen anything. He is alternating between deep depression, boredom and apathy to the extreme anger. I know it hasn't peaked yet, I know it hasn't gotten so ugly that I wished I got out. I haven't seen my funny, caring, generous hubby in a while now. It's a complete stranger with a detached look that is living next to me. I woke up to him "taking care of his needs" a few nights ago. Usually it's a code that he want to be "intimate", I complied... .it gets me absolutely nowhere except feeling like a blow up doll. I can't properly describe it, but the feeling is that it could have been anyone in my place, it would not make a difference. On my part, I'm staying away from
Jedeing, so the conflict feels like a Cold War rather then a full one. I finally started emotion based therapy with my d14, while working through her emotions I saw how scary it is for her, how uncertain everything is. The therapist summed up everything my daughter has been telling her "I never know what I'm going to walk into", which is also true for me. I've been reading "I hate you, don't leave me", which helped me to understand more about my uBPDh, so I can't even get angry, usually it helps just to cope. Some questions that I have for the experts in the forum: 1.why is that when I get angry/furious with him he starts acting like a sick puppy trying to please me and win me over? What does it say about his emotion processing and needs?
2. I can be quite critical in terms of my expectations, why does it seem that he is functioning much better under those conditions?
3. How do I end this fidgety spinnninf cycle, he is constantly saying that he hates the house and can't sleep there (that is absolutely nothing wrong with our home, the remainder of the residents sleep just fine, including me)
4. He never apologizes, in 16 years he never came with an apology, does he have psychopathic tendencies with no consciousness or remorse?
5. He abuses a substance when he is trying to self regulate and self smooth, I've walked numerous times into him doing it, and then telling me "you are a saint woman, how can you stay"?. As if he is so unlovable, unworthy... .I used to dread him doing that, now however I actually want him to do it, so we can get off the crazy ride. While under that substance he becomes compassionate, emphatetic listener, but it comes with a price of his sexual perversions.  he tells me it's his true authentic self, but to me its chemicals making him feel good. Did anyone here also have a partner who refused treatment yet self medicated when it was getting near a break up of the family?

[Tattered Heart]

I'm so sorry to see that you are going through a long phase of dysregualtion. Those times are so hard and wearying. It gets harder and harder not to talk on eggshells. What are you doing to take care of yourself during this time? You mentioned therapy. Is this helping?

 1.why is that when I get angry/furious with him he starts acting like a sick puppy trying to please me and win me over? What does it say about his emotion processing and needs?

I don't know exactly why, but when I really lay into my H he does the same. Personally I think it triggers a comfort level in my H. He grew up in a home with lots of yelling and verbal abuse. He understands that language. At the same time, I think the times I've lost it on him, he sees me as equal to him now. I lost my crap just like he did so now I'm not better than him.

2. I can be quite critical in terms of my expectations, why does it seem that he is functioning much better under those conditions?

Could he want to win your approval over? Could the criticalness give him a sense of structure? Or could it be the same as above, it's comfortable to him.

3. How do I end this fidgety spinnninf cycle, he is constantly saying that he hates the house and can't sleep there (that is absolutely nothing wrong with our home, the remainder of the residents sleep just fine, including me)

I don't know if there is anything you can do. It may just have to run it's course. And one day you'll wake up and it will be over. Keep validating. Ask him questions about what is causing him to not be able to sleep. Empathize with how miserable it is to not get a good rest at night. Could you try to lead him to some solutions for getting rest?

4. He never apologizes, in 16 years he never came with an apology, does he have psychopathic tendencies with no consciousness or remorse?

That could be a possibility. Or could he be feeling shame for what he has done and doesn't want to talk about it anymore? Could he feel like he has nothing to apologize for because he still justifies his behavior? Have you ever asked for an apology? (Yeah, I know this could be scary, but with enough validation and using SET, I think there could be a way to let him know that it's an apology is important to you)

5. He abuses a substance when he is trying to self regulate and self smooth, I've walked numerous times into him doing it, and then telling me "you are a saint woman, how can you stay"?. As if he is so unlovable, unworthy... .I used to dread him doing that, now however I actually want him to do it, so we can get off the crazy ride. While under that substance he becomes compassionate, emphatetic listener, but it comes with a price of his sexual perversions.  he tells me it's his true authentic self, but to me its chemicals making him feel good. Did anyone here also have a partner who refused treatment yet self medicated when it was getting near a break up of the family?

My H self medicates constantly. From what I understand, this is pretty common for pwBPD. It's a way of masking the hurt they feel inside.  What substance is it? Is he depressed or feeling unworthy about something that happened in life? Does this happen on a cycle?

[snowglobe]

@Tattered heart,
Thank you for taking the time to answer, I try to keep my eyes on the price, which is to finish my degree. The only way out for me is right through, it's not an easy one by any means. Someone mentioned in another post that the only way out of fear is right through it. I try to remain cautiously optimistic regarding our relationship. But prepare for the worst. I also reach out to friends to keep social contact, and to share in case my uBPDh will try to start a smear campaign.

Regarding lashing back at them, ever since I read "stop walking on eggshells and I hate you don't leave me" I find it hard to get angry at him. I'm sad, depreseed even, but not angry. It's counterproductive for me, and serves no function. However I'm pretty sure that if I would get angry he will start snapping out of this.

[Tattered Heart]

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep posting. This site has been a life saver for me in terms of taking care of myself, finding courage, and practicing skills.

[Radcliff]

Hi Snowglobe,

I am so sorry you are in a dark time.  I admire your strength and determination.  It sounds like you have the iron will to get that degree despite the craziness. That gives you something long term,  but what can you do short term to take care of yourself? Is there anything that gives you a sense of peace, if only for a while?

[Radcliff]

Hello Snowglobe, it's been a little while, how are you doing?

You mentioned working on a degree.  Are you taking any classes this fall?  What are you studying?

[snowglobe]

Hello Snowglobe, it's been a little while, how are you doing?

You mentioned working on a degree.  Are you taking any classes this fall?  What are you studying?

Hello @Wentworth,
It's been a while since I was here. Things were going fairly good for our family, other then some minor hick ups along the road. I yet again fell Ina trap thinking "we are improving, doing so well, I don't want to jinx it"... .and here we are again. He abused a substance over a weekend to "fit in with the cool kids", I had to sit and wait for him to enjoy himself (the way I see it is he is self distructing". He sobered up and now low on dopamine. He is Joe sitting all day playing on his phone, and getting frasteating at the game. He told me, and our daughter to "___ off", yet when a friend stopped by, he managed to be chatty and polite. This always gets me scratching my head, how can he manage to control emotions around others, yet, the family always gets the short end of the stick?.
Regarding my pursuit of education- ironically, my son's disability along with my uBPDh's disorder motivated me to obtain houours degree in psychology. Unfortunately, when it comes to him, all my theoretical knowledge flies out of the window.