Needed to reach out

[stillstanding!]

Hi there.  I've been married to wonderful man who unfortunately has displayed BPD behaviors for the entire 27 years I have been involved with him.  Finding myself a bit at the end of my rope, not wanting to end but not thinking I can survive this much longer.  

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[Frankee]

Hello, welcome to our safe place.  I know how you feel.  Even the short post speaks volumes to me.  I'm currently in an extreme push/pull situation.  My SO reacts to minor "hiccups" or "mistakes" like I just stabbed him in the gut and said "Oops".  My current indiscretion was I accidentally sent an email to our landlord stating we were going to be short on rent, when we were able to figure out how to pay on time.  We had discussed it and I know I made a stupid mistake by sending the email.  I didn't lie about it, told him the truth when he asked... and it was like igniting dynamite.  I apologized for my error and sent an email to my landlord saying to please disregard previous email as it was sent in error.  It was already too late.  He carried on about how stupid I was, he couldn't trust me, could trust a rabid rabbit better than me, how I made us look like garbage to people that matter, how he was apparently going to have to start smacking me to make sure I'm listening to him, how we was done with all of my bulls***, how I never listen to anything he says... .yes, I made a mistake, I just hit send without stopping to think about it.  It was late at night and I think I just zoned out.

I wish he would go back to when he use to be less explosive about my mistakes.  He seems to think he never makes them... because he hardly does anything.  He tells me to take care of all the bills, the rent, the kids, and/everything to do with taking care of them... I asked him one night to see if he could pick up bread because we were out.  He snapped and said that I need to plan better and stop buying it as I need it and to buy two loaves at a time.  Told him we did plan for it, explained that we tried to get it earlier, but the stores around us were out because of the hurricane.

So after my infractions... he's mean to me for a couple days.  Acts like I'm incompetent and can't do anything right.  Even when I have situations under control, he stills doesn't believe me.  I'm going to be honest.  I have a stupid false hope that maybe one day he'll be able to handle his anger better like he says he tries to do and I don't have the resources or energy to fight him for custody of the kids.  He already tried to ship me off to my parents once with my oldest child while barking that I couldn't take our baby.  My oldest is from a previous relationship.  We have a very turbulent relationship and sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd, suffocating, and nobody is helping.

Then after biting my head off, he texts that he loves me... and I feel like ripping my hair out... I understand it's his way of making an effort, but it doesn't take back the mean, hurtful things he keeps saying.  It's like I get a surprise sneak attack leaving me shell shocked and then a hug saying sorry for scaring you... think I've developed mild anxiety issues always expecting a blow up over honestly sometimes stupid stuff.