My 17 year old is out of control

[Pooticus]

 Hello my 17-year-old daughter is completely out of control    She is manipulative and emotionally abusive towards both myself and my ex-husband and has been engaging in extremely risky sexual and drug seeking behavior   We are both practicing compassionate distancing and I'm wondering if any behavioral modification has worked for anybody out there

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Pooticus

I just wanted to reply quickly and say yes, I think that in my case behavioral modification type approach, like in the Love and Logic book, did work and help in the long run (though my dd's were not maybe at this extent, I think the feelings are similar).  There is another book I found very comforting, its called 'Yes, your Teen is Crazy'.  Use the levers you have, if she is still depending on you for financial support and a place to live, to gently lever towards safer behaviours and responsibility.  I always found it much easier to take away something concrete, if I managed to do it in a calm and kind way (which I did not always manage to do!  But I stuck with it better if I didn't also express anger, and let them know I was just parenting in taking X away).  

Testing boundaries and engaging in risky behavior, as well as lashing out, are unfortunately pretty normal at this age, when they are trying to break away from parental control.  The compassionate distancing you describe sounds like a really well thought out approach, the more you can stay compassionate and say something like, 'well, that is your choice, but in that case I am choosing to do X (ie not provide funds) until you choose to do Y (some small responsible act) because I love you and I want to be proud of you and I want to know you are being careful and responsible' I think that has a good chance of long term success.

Also if she is acting out with sexual behavior make sure (if you haven't already) to get her birth control!  She may be willing for you to help with this if you can do it in a friendly and non-judgemental way, so at least another child is not brought into the situation.  I would also encourage her to be very careful with addictive drugs, and let her know which are the most dangerous.  She may listen to you even if it doesn't seem like she is.

Good luck navigating through this tricky time!  It may get better!