Should I withdraw totally?

[Kate911]

My daughter is a high functioning borderline. We've had a sort of on off troubled relationship but in particular since she met her partner in 2011 with whom she has two children, the youngest born three days ago. It's typified by me trying to help/contact her and getting her to like/appreciate me as a fellow human being & treat me kindly as her mother. Her partner has ADHD and his behavior has escalated over the years in that he has constantly presented challenging & oppositional towards me. Recently my daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD but not the hyperactive type. I know it might seem far-fetched but I believe she learned all of the symptoms, prepped her partner & her brother and managed to get the diagnosis. I was also consulted by the psychiatrist via a phone consultation & informed him that I hadn't seen any evidence of ADHD when she was growing up. (I am a trained SEN teacher for the last 6years & have become very familiar with ADHD in a professional capacity). So much has happened since she turned 18 (she is now nearly 32) that I shall mention only the latest event. In June she wrote to my husband ( who's not her dad) telling him I'd emotionally & physically abused her as a child & of how all her toxic & worrying behavior as an adult was my fault. We're talking 5 unfinished university studies, 2 abortions, promiscuous behavior & €40,000 worth of debt. She was 6 months pregnant and had been off her MEd's for at least 9 months in preparation for being pregnant. I reduced contact but still kept in touch in a very low level way. On Thursday night last ( it's now Sunday) she had her baby & everyone except me was informed of the onset of labor & then the birth. Everybody else of significance was there to celebrate the baby's arrival ( paternal grandparents, my ex her father, eh I'm convinced is a narcissist, my son & his girlfriend). My son (25yrs) kept asking where I was & when I was arriving but she kept avoiding the question. Finally he called me and put her on the phone. She was ecstatic of course & very chatty until I asked ho was doing all the talking in the background? Quick as a flash she told me & my heart broke all over again. She heard my intake of breath, the crack in my voice as I said "oh ok... ." & then she told me she'd "be in touch later" & that was the end of the call.
This has been the last straw for me. I've broken all contact. What advice does anyone have for me? I don't see a future that includes her, her partner (who has been verbally abusive to me, won't enter my house or allow me in theirs) or her two children, my grandchildren. It breaks my heart but I have had nothing but pain. I feel I need to look after me. Does anyone have a different "take" on all of this that might help. I am currently seeing a counselor since the middle of August (3x so far) but there hasn't been a "click" between us so I'm going to ask to be reassigned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Kate

Oh my dove, you need a massive hug because what your feeling must be so extreme. I'm so very sorry to hear this situation, incredibly hurtful for you. Actually, hurtful for everybody.

I understand that you no longer see a future with your daughter and family in your life. Id feel exactly the same right now. I truly hope the therapist can help you untangle what's going on right now.

Your daughter certainly didn't want you there yet still spoke with you. She knows you're hurting and you may not want to hear this, she's hurting too because if she wasn't she have had you there.

I don't know what to say about your daughter feeling the victim. My DS is in that mode and we've been accused of totally ruining his life. It's a horrible situation and I'm not sure it'll ever really resolve; I hope one day his attitude and behaviour may change.

I've worked very hard here to learn better skills on how to interact with my DS. I chose to focus on my core relationship with him and we've all benefitted from this. I did this for the sake of my family. The second thing I did was to get on with my life, despite the problems. I haven't got a grandchild but if I did, I think I'd do everything I could to learn a better way of interacting with my daughter for the sake of my grandchild. I'd give it my best shot. I watch myself and try hard not to get into that victim mode myself.

How far away does your daughter live?

After your daughter sent the letter to your husband did you say or do anything ?

Hugs to you

LP

[inthestacks]

I'm just so very sorry for what you are going through.  I am imagining the same future, without my daughter and grandson, and it is a difficult thing.  I have no words of wisdom, just empathy and love.  Take care of yourself.   

[SCM]

I'm going through the same situation with my daughter and haven't been able to resolve it in the almost five years she's been estranged from me.
I have not been allowed to see her nor my grandchildren in all those years. The accusations, put downs, raging and hatred is unbelievable.
My advice to you is to continue to reach out to her while praying without ceasing. This is what I do and although I haven't seen a change of attitude in my daughter I know God is still in his throne and hears the prayers for our children. He loves them more than we do.
Unfortunately our children are afflicted with a horrible illness and as parents we must ask and wait for a miracle.
Stay strong and keep your faith.
A warm hug to you.