Best way to deal with cyberstalking

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello all,

I'm a singer, sometimes blogger, and avid social media user. I'm used to living my life "out loud" because I love the connection it brings. I've been with my boyfriend (long distance, sadly) for close to two years, but his ex-wife (from whom he separated EIGHT years ago) just found out about our relationship in March. She has basically made things hell ever since.

"M" emotionally abused my boyfriend for nearly 20 years. Since they separated, he's had only two very brief relationships because he knew she couldn't handle the idea of him moving on and he's a "nice guy" who avoids conflict like crazy. (He knows this about himself. He's working on it.) So he was basically a monk for 8 years because he didn't want to upset is ex, which fed into her fantasy that they might somehow be a family again. None of this would matter that much, but they have a 17-year-old daughter who lives with "M" full-time and who has her own anxiety disorder.

"M." is particularly abusive now whenever she knows that my SO and I will be together. Since we have a long-distance relationship, these trips are precious time, and it's emotionally exhausting to be dealing with her toxic energy and the conflict she creates, gaslighting him and making him question our relationship. Our latest visit was this month when she tried her best to keep him from coming because she and her daughter had to move apartments, which she hates and is also difficult for her because she has chronic pain from a significant back problem.

He debated postponing his visit with me, but stuck to his guns in the end. Now his daughter won't even talk to him. "M." has said that their daughter knows she isn't a priority in his life, that he chose me and his "new family" (I have two young girls) over his own child.

She stalks my Facebook music fan page, my Twitter feed, and my Instagram looking for ammunition, for evidence that I am a "whore" and an "unconscious" human being. (She is obsessively into Jungian psychology, and even worked as an uncertified Jungian therapist for a while.)

I was especially careful on this past visit to basically post nothing about him other than promotional posts for shows we were performing together. (He's a musician, too. As is "M.", sort of.) "M." can turn anything into bad news, though. After I posted a photo of some pies on Instagram, she yelled at him (via email) for being off on a "fantasy trip" enjoying rhubarb pie while they suffer and have to deal with moving all on their very own. Nevermind that he offered to help in the three weeks leading up to his trip (while they temporarily had access to both the old and new apartments), or with unpacking the week after he got back.

In two weeks, my SO and I are going to Brazil with some other musicians for a week-long tour. At the moment, "M." doesn't know I will be on that trip. I would really, really love it if we could have one visit that isn't fraught with her drama. He feels he can't cut her out completely because he desperately wants to reconnect with his daughter.

I use Twitter and Instagram for promotional purposes (although I also consider them expressive and artistic outlets), but I am considering locking them both down to private accounts for the duration of our tour. That way, I can continue to post things for my followers to see and interact with, but "Ma." won't be able to see them. I'd want to set them back to public sometime after coming back, though. I'm debating whether I should basically keep the Brazil trip a secret on my public Facebook page, even though that's where most of my fan engagement comes from and this trip is a BIG career highlight for me.

I'm curious what people might think about whether it would help or worsen "M."'s behaviour (or be neutral) if I make it temporarily impossible for her to cyberstalk me on at least a couple of channels.

I am *not* prepared to stop social media altogether, which my SO has suggested to me before; it angers me to think that someone else could have a say over how I'm allowed to express myself in the world, whether that's "M." or him. She has told him that since he sometimes doesn't respond to her abusive messages, my social channels are "his voice" now.

I have considered asking him to completely block "M.". If their daughter needs something, she could get in touch directly with him. But it doesn't feel like my place to be telling him to do this.

I've never witnesses this level of delusion, emotional aggression, vitriol, and persistent irrational behaviour. It's hard for me to wrap my head around. I'm doing my best to pretend she doesn't exist, but I have to think, every time I make a post somewhere, "How will M. react to this? Will she think it's about her? Will she think it's about my boyfriend?" It's exhausting!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or guidance.

[Dragonhorse]

Hello all,

I'm a singer, sometimes blogger, and avid social media user. I'm used to living my life "out loud" because I love the connection it brings. I've been with my boyfriend (long distance, sadly) for close to two years, but his ex-wife (from whom he separated EIGHT years ago) just found out about our relationship in March. She has basically made things hell ever since.

"M" emotionally abused my boyfriend for nearly 20 years. Since they separated, he's had only two very brief relationships because he knew she couldn't handle the idea of him moving on and he's a "nice guy" who avoids conflict like crazy. (He knows this about himself. He's working on it.) So he was basically a monk for 8 years because he didn't want to upset is ex, which fed into her fantasy that they might somehow be a family again. None of this would matter that much, but they have a 17-year-old daughter who lives with "M" full-time and who has her own anxiety disorder.

"M." is particularly abusive now whenever she knows that my SO and I will be together. Since we have a long-distance relationship, these trips are precious time, and it's emotionally exhausting to be dealing with her toxic energy and the conflict she creates, gaslighting him and making him question our relationship. Our latest visit was this month when she tried her best to keep him from coming because she and her daughter had to move apartments, which she hates and is also difficult for her because she has chronic pain from a significant back problem.

He debated postponing his visit with me, but stuck to his guns in the end. Now his daughter won't even talk to him. "M." has said that their daughter knows she isn't a priority in his life, that he chose me and his "new family" (I have two young girls) over his own child.

She stalks my Facebook music fan page, my Twitter feed, and my Instagram looking for ammunition, for evidence that I am a "whore" and an "unconscious" human being. (She is obsessively into Jungian psychology, and even worked as an uncertified Jungian therapist for a while.)

I was especially careful on this past visit to basically post nothing about him other than promotional posts for shows we were performing together. (He's a musician, too. As is "M.", sort of.) "M." can turn anything into bad news, though. After I posted a photo of some pies on Instagram, she yelled at him (via email) for being off on a "fantasy trip" enjoying rhubarb pie while they suffer and have to deal with moving all on their very own. Nevermind that he offered to help in the three weeks leading up to his trip (while they temporarily had access to both the old and new apartments), or with unpacking the week after he got back.

In two weeks, my SO and I are going to Brazil with some other musicians for a week-long tour. At the moment, "M." doesn't know I will be on that trip. I would really, really love it if we could have one visit that isn't fraught with her drama. He feels he can't cut her out completely because he desperately wants to reconnect with his daughter.

I use Twitter and Instagram for promotional purposes (although I also consider them expressive and artistic outlets), but I am considering locking them both down to private accounts for the duration of our tour. That way, I can continue to post things for my followers to see and interact with, but "Ma." won't be able to see them. I'd want to set them back to public sometime after coming back, though. I'm debating whether I should basically keep the Brazil trip a secret on my public Facebook page, even though that's where most of my fan engagement comes from and this trip is a BIG career highlight for me.

I'm curious what people might think about whether it would help or worsen "M."'s behaviour (or be neutral) if I make it temporarily impossible for her to cyberstalk me on at least a couple of channels.

I am *not* prepared to stop social media altogether, which my SO has suggested to me before; it angers me to think that someone else could have a say over how I'm allowed to express myself in the world, whether that's "M." or him. She has told him that since he sometimes doesn't respond to her abusive messages, my social channels are "his voice" now.

I have considered asking him to completely block "M.". If their daughter needs something, she could get in touch directly with him. But it doesn't feel like my place to be telling him to do this.

I've never witnesses this level of delusion, emotional aggression, vitriol, and persistent irrational behaviour. It's hard for me to wrap my head around. I'm doing my best to pretend she doesn't exist, but I have to think, every time I make a post somewhere, "How will M. react to this? Will she think it's about her? Will she think it's about my boyfriend?" It's exhausting!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or guidance.

[Skip]

Now his daughter won't even talk to him. "M." has said that their daughter knows she isn't a priority in his life, that he chose me and his "new family" (I have two young girls) over his own child.

In short, your boyfriend' exwife is upsetting their biological daughter (17 year old) every time he wants to visit you (long distance relationship). She follows your life on social media broadcasts where you share your songs and travels.

Ahh... .the costs of fame. 

My first thought is why don't you visit him and meet the daughter. She's 17 and can better form her opinion when you spend a little time with her. Use the same charm that you project on stage and on social media.

I think the hard question is to ask what is going on between your bf and his ex-wife eight years after a divorce. How does she have such persuasive power over him and the 17 year old?

Can you help us understand that part better?

Blocking he wife is probably not the issue. This is more about not being emotionally controlled by her.