20 Years a lie... or so I'm starting to believe

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, hello everyone. Let me start by saying thank you for all your contributions, personal experiences go a long way to get your head around the diverse and sometimes sickening ways this disorder manifests itself.

I was a young man (18) when I first met uBPDw, first 2 weeks of university. She had a BF at the time and I developed a friendship with her with little or no other intentions. I was a nice boy, sexually inexperienced and respected the fact she had a long term BF. Out of nowhere a passionate love affair began, all consuming in time, effort and emotions. 6m of the greatest most exuberant passion I have ever experienced. My fragile ego was propelled into the stratosphere. I was in the garden of eden and I LOVED IT. 3m in and things couldn't be much more different, the rocket fuel had run out and I was left being devalued at an alarming rate. Like all good boys I soaked up the blame and shame and believed given my nativity that it was all me (I had been dumped by a string of 1m girlfriends for probably being too nice). I had missed all the red flags such as excessive devaluation of previous long term BF, too fast too soon and constant victim status. Although unbeknownst to me I had entered the Karpman Triangle ( https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/ ) the transaction was, I rescue, she stays the victim... .forever. The mask started to slip anorexia, hypochondria angry outbursts  and certain events occurred which were to increase her control. I would try to go to the student union bar for a drink when she claimed she was going to sleep, she would beg me not to leave her, when I would return later in the evening I would find her with cuts on her arm. How can one make a decision to go out knowing that she might harm herself again... .this happened multiple times, especially after huge arguments which would come from nowhere over nothing. The constant accusations of playing away, fancying other people and generally misbehaving. She and I blamed her behavior on hormones and the behavior seemed to get a lot worse when she changed to the mini pill from the combined pill... .in hindsight the behaviors were always there, we always had a different relationship than friends and other peers. Throughout this period at university my life got smaller and smaller and smaller, more controlled whilst she fostered "friendships" with other men and would get completely smashed on booze and ganga. She knew how to let off steam, however it was more than that, she wanted to get totally out of it, as though she wanted to numb something. I just clung on for dear life, adapting my life to avoid the pain, the pain of love withdrawal.

I decided to marry her thinking that all these behaviors would cease, no such luck at all, the first 3 years of our marriage whilst working up in London were a complete disaster. Constant accusations of being unfaithful or being sexual deviant. I would ring her to say I was going out for a couple of pints after work and she would get angry and hang up, we'd then play phone tennis for an hour or so whilst my colleagues bullied me about what was going on and why I was so under the thumb. I would return home angry that I was being treated like a freak, uBPDw would behave all meek and refuse to discuss just saying she didn't know what was happening and she didn't mean it. I would be furious to the point of scaring her. I would feel horrible afterwards thinking "I had a valid point there and it's been lost in my defensive rage". I was now the bad guy rather than my bully manipulative uBPDw. Why could she not treat me like a normal human being, like she would treat her friends. I have proven my worthiness and trust... .haven't I? It's like being shaken constantly, you can never get composure and get ___ sorted.

She leaves and we go to couples counselling, it's all about me and my anger, it's not about her mood volatility, it's not about her extreme reactions to abandonment, it's not about her perma victim status, it's not about her passive aggression, it's not about her overt aggression, slaps, hitting, name calling, excessive clothes shopping (self soothing), cutting, emotional blackmail, fostering inappropriate (and possibly intimate) relationships with other men, it wasn't about her storming off at virtually every party we went to with my friends because she wasn't getting enough attention, the inability to take any responsibility for anything, allergy to guilt and shame. It was all about me and my defensive rage... .and I was still clinging on. She came back... .to this day I have no idea why she came back, was it the alternative man let her down or was it just a change of heart? I don't know.

Things were numb for multiple years, she quit her job, started another job which was now to her new desired lifestyle. The cutting and angry outbursts went away, but so did the love and affection. She was emotionally numb to me and that seemed to control the harsher BPD symptoms , she was a housemate rather than a lover or wife... .until 07 when she decided to take herself away for a few months again to her parents house as she believed her life was going nowhere. All was good in her life apart from me... .again. I was just busy being there for her, picking up the pieces when she went out and got drunk, totally enabling her self destruction. I thought I was being a good husband, giving her freedom, apparently not. Again, after a period of reflection, she came back again, again, no idea why she came back, it was never discussed. She had been to see a counselor and they had asked her to write a letter to me about her thoughts. All the abuse from the first 7 years of our relationship was encapsulated in "it must have been quite difficult to deal with me in the first years of our relationship"... .8 pages of a letter and that was the sub total of acknowledgment. We had a weird period of falling back in love, we spent a lot of time together and made an effort to bond. By the end of the year she decided we were ready to try for a baby. Things seemed to be great although stressful with a young child with reflux (I now know that this is because she got what she always wanted, complete control of someone that acknowledged her independence). I was still hypervidgelant to her emotions, codependent to the end tracking her intra-day emotional spazams. I had been so protective and controlling over her stressful environment and diligent to ensure that she got what she wanted that even the babies crying would cause me a great deal of distress. Your own childs cry is distressing enough especially with infant reflux but when your head is subconsciously thinking "MAKE IT STOP OR uBPDw WITH LOSE IT AGAIN" the anxiety is palpable. (I have since self reflected to realize this as well as getting cross the kids growing up "Be quiet and behave, look you're upsetting mummy".

As our first grew up and gained independence the unhappiness came back. Rinse repeat on child #2 and #3. In between the children the unreasonable requests and sense of entitlement would grow. I have never met anyone who NEEDED to much rather than wanted things. This makes utter sense now when I think about how it fits with BPD. Everything is always at the extremes of emotional need. Every time I managed to deliver something whether that would be new house, clothes, car, eternity ring a new thing would be raised. A new entitlement. I think the biggest transition for me was when I changed from wanting more connection with uBPDw and actually wanted practical and emotional needs to be met. I was like a parent to her. I would provide things for her and she would feel no compunction to show gratitude or appreciation (although if you'd ask her should would say she did say thank you). Even if that were true, there comes a point where you actually want to be treated in a like minded manner. You want to be in a partnership rather than something that feels like a sacrificial emotional and resource drain. I reflect on the anxiety I have felt since 00 when I try and do anything spontaneous... .a drink after work, a last minute meal... .I get physical pangs and have to rush home, maybe organizing for some weeks in advance so uBPDw can get comfortable with it. My whole existence revolved around the needs of another person and I was pretty bitter about it.

Get made redundant and couldn't get work for 20m, Dad is diagnosed with Cancer and dies 18m later and have a complete change of job when I finaly get a new job. It's these times in your life where you really need someone to be there for you, someone who's giving you a cuddle, making sure you're 100% sorted, being 100% emotionally strong for you... .but nothing. Yes she was upset when Dad died, she knew my pain, she felt it, but for her it was as much about her as it was for me. During this period I couldn't be her rock, I couldn't walk on the eggshells, I stamped around a lot. I couldn't and wouldn't tollerate the passive aggressive anger, I wouldn't tollerate the outbursts and I fought back. I did EVERYTHING I now know to be completely destructive to a BPD relationship. Invalidated everything and anything that was unreasonable. I got angry, I fought fire with fire, I was selfish and narcissistic (something I might add that I am not). It was all about me me me me me me and I figured I'd deserved it for the years of abuse and sacrifice I had given to her.

I achieved nothing but to push uBPDw into a complete dysregulation. Since she had no recollection of her previous wrongs and deemed herself to be "the perfect wife", she was utterly unaware of her own emotional volatility and believed that her outbursts were righteous judgement and not something to appologise for I was painted BLACKER THAN BLACK. It was easy to find people in our village who would had only seen and heard about my behaviour of the last few years to label me coercive control (because I was questioning why she had not cleaned the house yet had gone for a bike ride or run, or gone to the pub... .or because I questioned the amount of money she was spending on clothes and why our children were eating smoked salmon for school lunches... .or because I questioned the amount she was going out), abusive and she even added child abuse to the mix later in the marital breakdown. She found a man who was also in an unhappy marriage who jumped at the chance to take a hot blonde young woman under his wing and share in the pity party. They would spend hours drinking in the pub, talking about their religious awakening, talking about how evil their partners were and how we should be set free from our burdens... .the burdens which uBPDw had placed on me, it was her guilt, her shame, her responsibility which I was carrying on my back. It was me who felt like a worthless piece of ___, a terrible husband, a terrible member of society who was told he had anger issues and was generally unhappy for no reason whatsoever. For her she had god to forgiver her for all her sins, sins that she was committing with OM when she was out getting loved up with him, neglecting me other than to treat me with disdain. Pushing and pulling me around when she either wanted something or wanted to hate someone because she hated herself so much for the things SHE was doing. Couples counselling was a disaster... .she's a high functioning BPD Waif with Queen tenancies when she reaches a tipping point. Post 03 counselling all outward emotional anger was suppressed so she would just internally seethe, obstruct things, procrastinate, delay, object, I liken it to sitting in a room or car with a viper. You know she is angry, she wont tell you what it is but she is furious. So, couples counselling just meant she could tell me how bad I was and to her I was... .she lives in a different reality where everything she does, all her behavior is justifiable and pure. She has no concept of the damage she does to the people closest to her, she doesn't even acknowledge the anger as it's invisible if you're not shouting.

So, whilst all this is going on I do work on me... .who am I, what am I, how have I got here, what are the relationships I want to improve and how do I do that? I am a kind, loving, caring, generous in time not in money guy... .that's the starting point. Kids... .make that awesome, read Chimp Paradox (Awesome to understand your mind in a simple concept), 5 Love languages of your Kids (again, identifying how to deliver love to your kids is essential especially when you have limited emotional resources left after coping with uBPDw). I then discovered BPD... .OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN, it was like the final bit of the jigsaw, actually the second to last bit of the jigsaw, the final piece was seeing her mother in a totally new light when I saw her berating uBPDw for not telling her the correct time to pick up our daughter (he father stayed quiet) from school... .this was after we'd been to our friends funeral! I have seen that 1000's of time and never understood the emotional damage it would have done during her upbringing.

So, current situation is that unhappy OM has now separated from his wife and uBPDw is in hourly comms with him over whatsap. She asked me for a divorce 4m ago and I told her to do what she thinks she wants to do however I was standing for our marriage and didn't want this. This weekend she has removed her wedding ring. She has split me and crucified me. She cannot recall her previous cutting so cannot tally my suspicions of BPD. She refuses to speak to anyone that might enlighten her to her historic behavior and it would appear that I will be getting a divorce sometime in the future... .no doubt when OM has got his divorce completed. 

I look back over half my life and think of all the guilt and shame that I have foolishly accepted, how I have enabled and been codependent to the disorder... .which adds to my own personal shame, especially as I have now bought 3 wonderful girls into he situation, 3 girls who will inevitably be used as pawns or be exposed to inevitable devaluation of OM when they inevitably move in together. I am trying to be strong but it's like the perfect chess move. uBPDw with false reality, me having been accepted as abusive by local community, manipulative and brainwashing OM, her parents who struggle with the same thing themselves, swathes of people who do know the facts who don't understand the disorder and just don't want to get involved. All I can do is wait, read more books and be prepared for all outcomes. I have to be the last person to be seen to leave this marriage and that has to be seen by my children. A mother has amazing powers to change kids opinion of their father regardless of the great relationship he has with them.

[Enabler]

So, hello everyone. Let me start by saying thank you for all your contributions, personal experiences go a long way to get your head around the diverse and sometimes sickening ways this disorder manifests itself.

I was a young man (18) when I first met uBPDw, first 2 weeks of university. She had a BF at the time and I developed a friendship with her with little or no other intentions. I was a nice boy, sexually inexperienced and respected the fact she had a long term BF. Out of nowhere a passionate love affair began, all consuming in time, effort and emotions. 6m of the greatest most exuberant passion I have ever experienced. My fragile ego was propelled into the stratosphere. I was in the garden of eden and I LOVED IT. 3m in and things couldn't be much more different, the rocket fuel had run out and I was left being devalued at an alarming rate. Like all good boys I soaked up the blame and shame and believed given my nativity that it was all me (I had been dumped by a string of 1m girlfriends for probably being too nice). I had missed all the red flags such as excessive devaluation of previous long term BF, too fast too soon and constant victim status. Although unbeknownst to me I had entered the Karpman Triangle ( https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/ ) the transaction was, I rescue, she stays the victim... .forever. The mask started to slip anorexia, hypochondria angry outbursts  and certain events occurred which were to increase her control. I would try to go to the student union bar for a drink when she claimed she was going to sleep, she would beg me not to leave her, when I would return later in the evening I would find her with cuts on her arm. How can one make a decision to go out knowing that she might harm herself again... .this happened multiple times, especially after huge arguments which would come from nowhere over nothing. The constant accusations of playing away, fancying other people and generally misbehaving. She and I blamed her behavior on hormones and the behavior seemed to get a lot worse when she changed to the mini pill from the combined pill... .in hindsight the behaviors were always there, we always had a different relationship than friends and other peers. Throughout this period at university my life got smaller and smaller and smaller, more controlled whilst she fostered "friendships" with other men and would get completely smashed on booze and ganga. She knew how to let off steam, however it was more than that, she wanted to get totally out of it, as though she wanted to numb something. I just clung on for dear life, adapting my life to avoid the pain, the pain of love withdrawal.

I decided to marry her thinking that all these behaviors would cease, no such luck at all, the first 3 years of our marriage whilst working up in London were a complete disaster. Constant accusations of being unfaithful or being sexual deviant. I would ring her to say I was going out for a couple of pints after work and she would get angry and hang up, we'd then play phone tennis for an hour or so whilst my colleagues bullied me about what was going on and why I was so under the thumb. I would return home angry that I was being treated like a freak, uBPDw would behave all meek and refuse to discuss just saying she didn't know what was happening and she didn't mean it. I would be furious to the point of scaring her. I would feel horrible afterwards thinking "I had a valid point there and it's been lost in my defensive rage". I was now the bad guy rather than my bully manipulative uBPDw. Why could she not treat me like a normal human being, like she would treat her friends. I have proven my worthiness and trust... .haven't I? It's like being shaken constantly, you can never get composure and get ___ sorted.

She leaves and we go to couples counselling, it's all about me and my anger, it's not about her mood volatility, it's not about her extreme reactions to abandonment, it's not about her perma victim status, it's not about her passive aggression, it's not about her overt aggression, slaps, hitting, name calling, excessive clothes shopping (self soothing), cutting, emotional blackmail, fostering inappropriate (and possibly intimate) relationships with other men, it wasn't about her storming off at virtually every party we went to with my friends because she wasn't getting enough attention, the inability to take any responsibility for anything, allergy to guilt and shame. It was all about me and my defensive rage... .and I was still clinging on. She came back... .to this day I have no idea why she came back, was it the alternative man let her down or was it just a change of heart? I don't know.

Things were numb for multiple years, she quit her job, started another job which was now to her new desired lifestyle. The cutting and angry outbursts went away, but so did the love and affection. She was emotionally numb to me and that seemed to control the harsher BPD symptoms , she was a housemate rather than a lover or wife... .until 07 when she decided to take herself away for a few months again to her parents house as she believed her life was going nowhere. All was good in her life apart from me... .again. I was just busy being there for her, picking up the pieces when she went out and got drunk, totally enabling her self destruction. I thought I was being a good husband, giving her freedom, apparently not. Again, after a period of reflection, she came back again, again, no idea why she came back, it was never discussed. She had been to see a counselor and they had asked her to write a letter to me about her thoughts. All the abuse from the first 7 years of our relationship was encapsulated in "it must have been quite difficult to deal with me in the first years of our relationship"... .8 pages of a letter and that was the sub total of acknowledgment. We had a weird period of falling back in love, we spent a lot of time together and made an effort to bond. By the end of the year she decided we were ready to try for a baby. Things seemed to be great although stressful with a young child with reflux (I now know that this is because she got what she always wanted, complete control of someone that acknowledged her independence). I was still hypervidgelant to her emotions, codependent to the end tracking her intra-day emotional spazams. I had been so protective and controlling over her stressful environment and diligent to ensure that she got what she wanted that even the babies crying would cause me a great deal of distress. Your own childs cry is distressing enough especially with infant reflux but when your head is subconsciously thinking "MAKE IT STOP OR uBPDw WITH LOSE IT AGAIN" the anxiety is palpable. (I have since self reflected to realize this as well as getting cross the kids growing up "Be quiet and behave, look you're upsetting mummy".

As our first grew up and gained independence the unhappiness came back. Rinse repeat on child #2 and #3. In between the children the unreasonable requests and sense of entitlement would grow. I have never met anyone who NEEDED to much rather than wanted things. This makes utter sense now when I think about how it fits with BPD. Everything is always at the extremes of emotional need. Every time I managed to deliver something whether that would be new house, clothes, car, eternity ring a new thing would be raised. A new entitlement. I think the biggest transition for me was when I changed from wanting more connection with uBPDw and actually wanted practical and emotional needs to be met. I was like a parent to her. I would provide things for her and she would feel no compunction to show gratitude or appreciation (although if you'd ask her should would say she did say thank you). Even if that were true, there comes a point where you actually want to be treated in a like minded manner. You want to be in a partnership rather than something that feels like a sacrificial emotional and resource drain. I reflect on the anxiety I have felt since 00 when I try and do anything spontaneous... .a drink after work, a last minute meal... .I get physical pangs and have to rush home, maybe organizing for some weeks in advance so uBPDw can get comfortable with it. My whole existence revolved around the needs of another person and I was pretty bitter about it.

Get made redundant and couldn't get work for 20m, Dad is diagnosed with Cancer and dies 18m later and have a complete change of job when I finaly get a new job. It's these times in your life where you really need someone to be there for you, someone who's giving you a cuddle, making sure you're 100% sorted, being 100% emotionally strong for you... .but nothing. Yes she was upset when Dad died, she knew my pain, she felt it, but for her it was as much about her as it was for me. During this period I couldn't be her rock, I couldn't walk on the eggshells, I stamped around a lot. I couldn't and wouldn't tollerate the passive aggressive anger, I wouldn't tollerate the outbursts and I fought back. I did EVERYTHING I now know to be completely destructive to a BPD relationship. Invalidated everything and anything that was unreasonable. I got angry, I fought fire with fire, I was selfish and narcissistic (something I might add that I am not). It was all about me me me me me me and I figured I'd deserved it for the years of abuse and sacrifice I had given to her.

I achieved nothing but to push uBPDw into a complete dysregulation. Since she had no recollection of her previous wrongs and deemed herself to be "the perfect wife", she was utterly unaware of her own emotional volatility and believed that her outbursts were righteous judgement and not something to appologise for I was painted BLACKER THAN BLACK. It was easy to find people in our village who would had only seen and heard about my behaviour of the last few years to label me coercive control (because I was questioning why she had not cleaned the house yet had gone for a bike ride or run, or gone to the pub... .or because I questioned the amount of money she was spending on clothes and why our children were eating smoked salmon for school lunches... .or because I questioned the amount she was going out), abusive and she even added child abuse to the mix later in the marital breakdown. She found a man who was also in an unhappy marriage who jumped at the chance to take a hot blonde young woman under his wing and share in the pity party. They would spend hours drinking in the pub, talking about their religious awakening, talking about how evil their partners were and how we should be set free from our burdens... .the burdens which uBPDw had placed on me, it was her guilt, her shame, her responsibility which I was carrying on my back. It was me who felt like a worthless piece of ___, a terrible husband, a terrible member of society who was told he had anger issues and was generally unhappy for no reason whatsoever. For her she had god to forgiver her for all her sins, sins that she was committing with OM when she was out getting loved up with him, neglecting me other than to treat me with disdain. Pushing and pulling me around when she either wanted something or wanted to hate someone because she hated herself so much for the things SHE was doing. Couples counselling was a disaster... .she's a high functioning BPD Waif with Queen tenancies when she reaches a tipping point. Post 03 counselling all outward emotional anger was suppressed so she would just internally seethe, obstruct things, procrastinate, delay, object, I liken it to sitting in a room or car with a viper. You know she is angry, she wont tell you what it is but she is furious. So, couples counselling just meant she could tell me how bad I was and to her I was... .she lives in a different reality where everything she does, all her behavior is justifiable and pure. She has no concept of the damage she does to the people closest to her, she doesn't even acknowledge the anger as it's invisible if you're not shouting.

So, whilst all this is going on I do work on me... .who am I, what am I, how have I got here, what are the relationships I want to improve and how do I do that? I am a kind, loving, caring, generous in time not in money guy... .that's the starting point. Kids... .make that awesome, read Chimp Paradox (Awesome to understand your mind in a simple concept), 5 Love languages of your Kids (again, identifying how to deliver love to your kids is essential especially when you have limited emotional resources left after coping with uBPDw). I then discovered BPD... .OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN, it was like the final bit of the jigsaw, actually the second to last bit of the jigsaw, the final piece was seeing her mother in a totally new light when I saw her berating uBPDw for not telling her the correct time to pick up our daughter (he father stayed quiet) from school... .this was after we'd been to our friends funeral! I have seen that 1000's of time and never understood the emotional damage it would have done during her upbringing.

So, current situation is that unhappy OM has now separated from his wife and uBPDw is in hourly comms with him over whatsap. She asked me for a divorce 4m ago and I told her to do what she thinks she wants to do however I was standing for our marriage and didn't want this. This weekend she has removed her wedding ring. She has split me and crucified me. She cannot recall her previous cutting so cannot tally my suspicions of BPD. She refuses to speak to anyone that might enlighten her to her historic behavior and it would appear that I will be getting a divorce sometime in the future... .no doubt when OM has got his divorce completed. 

I look back over half my life and think of all the guilt and shame that I have foolishly accepted, how I have enabled and been codependent to the disorder... .which adds to my own personal shame, especially as I have now bought 3 wonderful girls into he situation, 3 girls who will inevitably be used as pawns or be exposed to inevitable devaluation of OM when they inevitably move in together. I am trying to be strong but it's like the perfect chess move. uBPDw with false reality, me having been accepted as abusive by local community, manipulative and brainwashing OM, her parents who struggle with the same thing themselves, swathes of people who do know the facts who don't understand the disorder and just don't want to get involved. All I can do is wait, read more books and be prepared for all outcomes. I have to be the last person to be seen to leave this marriage and that has to be seen by my children. A mother has amazing powers to change kids opinion of their father regardless of the great relationship he has with them.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi and

First of all Im very sorry for the loss of your father. It sounds like you have been going through a very hard time. I'm glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

So, whilst all this is going on I do work on me... .who am I, what am I, how have I got here, what are the relationships I want to improve and how do I do that?

Those are really important questions. Its good you are thinking that through. Coming to a decision is a process that can take time.

So, current situation is that unhappy OM has now separated from his wife and uBPDw is in hourly comms with him over whatsap. She asked me for a divorce 4m ago and I told her to do what she thinks she wants to do however I was standing for our marriage and didn't want this.

Im sorry to hear that. I imagine it must be quite a shock. How are you feeling about ending the marriage? Do you want to try to save and work on the relationship? Or is your main concern to want to live close to your children?

I look back over half my life and think of all the guilt and shame that I have foolishly accepted, how I have enabled and been codependent to the disorder... .

I was lucky to discover BPD and this site early in my r/s. One of the big things we learn here on bpdfamily is that while BPD is a serious disorder the way we react to it can make things worse or at least make our lives harder. We cant change the other person, but we can change ourselves and many of us here when we start implementing better ways to communicate (we call them Tools, the links are on the right of the main post area)  what happens is that our r/s with a person with BPD improves greatly. The disorder is still there but a lot of stress is relieved from our relationship and communication. We also learn to take better care of ourselves and even sometimes get ourselves out of the line of fire so to speak. No matter what kind of relationship you have these tools are very helpful.

Its been a couple days since you posted. Is there any new development? How are you holding up? We are here for you and we are listening. Please dont be discouraged that it took a couple days to get the thread started, it can sometimes be like that in the very beginning but if you stick around you will start to get some great feedback from other members. Many of which have been in similar situations.

Im really glad you joined us. Keep us posted.

[Enabler]

I would like to continue the relationship and stay married to uBPDw. I would like to learnt the tools (regardless of whether or not we get a divorce since our lives are inextricably linked through the children) and have been reading more and more literature on effective ways to live and help better calm the relationship such as reading "When hope is not enough".  The symptoms of her BPD have changed over the years and many of the acute symptoms like self harm and public raging have gone (this is well documented from what I have read that 85% of BPD sufferers will lose acute symptoms in 10yrs https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/BPD-symptoms-decrease-age.html ) but as you say, some are always there and she just isn't aware of them. It's her normal. The remaining traits are the relationship killers, the ones that no one on the outside world see's.  There are times of emotional calm and closeness between us, the love is there but she refuses to want to allow the embers to grow into a fire again. As far as she's concerned, I have abused her emotionally and verbally for our entire relationship and she cannot live with an abusive person... .I am black and OM is white (even though he is the one who is leaving his wife and represents everything she has historically hated in men). OM fills the need of affirmation and validation I have not been able to fulfill. We speak a different language... .I'm trying to learn emotional speak! 

Have just spent a great weekend away with my 3 daughters camping in the rain. We had loads of fun and it's given me a great sense of who I am and what I'm about. I know I'm a great father and I don't believe I'm a bad husband (although maybe not great for a BPD trait person). I don't need other people or Facebook "likes" to tell me these things.

[Enabler]

So, although there have been no actual improvements in respects to the marital relationship there have been a few interesting conversations and things I have been thinking about:

We seem to be able to communicate about uBPDw's behaviors through the medium of talking about her mother. Although I suspect that she doesn't realise or acknowledge that there are huge similarities between her mothers behaviors and her own it is at least a good way to talk about the impacts of those behaviors on other people, namely me and the kids. My MIL is triggered by stress and her resulting behavior is rudeness and insults directed at my FIL "You're stupid, what's wrong with you, you never think... .etc etc etc", generally abusive behavior. She also gets slighted by the smallest thing, a recent one was the grand kids wanting to spend time with friends rather than her. I can understand the disappointment but the resulting anger is totally disproportionate and seems to come out in totally unrelated ways... .like ranting about iphones and ipads. Ultimately though and here's the point, we both concluded that MIL has absolutely no idea of her behaviors, she has absolutely no idea of the emotional impacts and the chaos that she leaves behind her. The upset she causes and the bitterness that is left ones she flips back into nice mood and acts as if nothing had ever happened. My FIL says "I know she doesn't mean it" and I am sure this is true, but non the less I don't know how he does it, I don't know how such a competent and accomplished man takes being called useless and is hugely subordinate without batting an eyelid! I don't know whether or not these discussions permeate or even resonate with uBPDw, I very very much doubt it and I am sure that she is just as blissfully ignorant as her mother. We talk openly about how MIL's behavior was similar in uBPDw's teenage years and how this could have had huge impacts on her mental well-being, but as far as any recognition is concerned I'm not sure there is any... .but then this doesn't surprise me since this would result in catastrophic acceptance of personal shame and guilt.

The second thing I have been thinking about and something that I am aware has been discussed at length by others is religion. I came from a religious family and will admit to being a bit of a fence sitter with regards to my beliefs. I have had some powerful religious experiences however cannot get past some glaring contradictions I find with regards to teaching and what plays out on reality. I get bad things happen to good people etc but this is slightly different. So, my uBPDw is VERY religious (Christian), in fact I would go so far as to say that she has gavaged herself with God especially the Holy Spirit part of it. I was trying to work out what this did for her as there seems to be a high correlation between need for faith and emotional dysregulation. The more chaotic her life is the more she focuses on Christian faith. Here are my musings in bullet format:
- I hate myself - God loves me unconditionally and doesn't judge me for my brokenness
- Jesus has the power to fix "me" and I am powerless to fix myself and the bad feelings I have about myself
- God will never abandon me
- Feel = fact and since "the rules" of Christianity are a little open to interpretation especially with more evangelical church doctrine depending on which verse you take in isolation or which speaker to choose to listen to you can justify all actions, thoughts and behaviours. I can interpret gods word as I like and feel a sense of significance as people listen to my interpretations.
- God forgives all sins so as long as I keep asking for forgiveness I can behave in a completely contradictory way to my faith and all is fine.
- Christianity allows me to look down on other people thus feed my narcisism
- Christianity allows me to pity other people and allows me to feel good about myself even though I am behaving badly which feeds my narcisism
- I believe I have the power of prophecy which gives me a sense of importance in a wider religious community even if those prophecies are non-descript, vague and very much open to confirmation bias and other cognitive bias.
- Prayer = meditation = getting back to baseline so calms the emotional chaos in self soothing, inadvertently learning how to get back to base quicker

I don't want to belittle her faith as I personally cannot determine what my own position on God is. I don't think believing in God is a crazy thing to think. I'm just trying to understand if her faith is another mask... .a mask she paints on thicker and thicker to hide her true emotional feelings. There's a couple of reasons why I suspect this. Firstly OM and her are having an emotional affair (heavily condemned by at least 4 groups of Christians they have met with to discuss independently, yet ignore direct and clear advice to stop the relationship) under the pretense of spiritual enlightenment. Yet this spiritual enlightenment does not seem to have manifested itself in change in her real world behaviors. She still gets drunk, has this inappropriate relationship and is still just as angry in a marital environment. Also, it would appear she believes she is called to be ordained as a vicar... .she writes that she should ask her friends whether or not her behavior is similar to that of a vicar. To me it clearly isn't, but yet this strikes me that she's blissfully unaware of the glaring contradictions in her reality, on the one hand being Hyper religious organising youth events and talking about her faith all the time, yet on the other being drunk all the time, breaking up happy homes, being abusive, shouting and swearing at me, ignoring her marital responsibilities and having inappropriate relationships with other married men. She just can't see it herself, or it's all my fault.

[Enabler]

One more thing. I tried using the AM I MAD tools from "When Hope if not Enough". Firstly I practiced a couple of times on my 7 and 8yr olds when they flipped out about various domestic issues... .terrific success in defusing situations quickly and effectively. Then tried using it on uBPDw last night... .she was walking out the door to go to bed at the time but seemed worked up about something, typically she would have just kept walking but I managed to have a few minutes conversation with her having broken the ice with the tools. I did mess up slightly in as much as when she said she felt ill I mentioned that I didn't feel great thus taking the focus off her and her feelings.

[Minspain]

I divorcend after a 14 year relationship. It was very difficult at the time, keeping stable was key, as well as avoiding fast response, 24hrs thinking helps on just about every reaction when in the nightmare divorce mode. I watched 3 daughters suffer (their mum abandoned us for another man in another country) and lots of 'knives' in my back from people I thought might be on my side (because my ex lied about the existence of her new lover and just went quiet when people asked why, I even had friends asking me if I had been violent!). Your kids will always work out the truth and who is the stable parent in their life. in fact, they will do that much more quickly once you get quality time with them, e.g. if seperation happens. I can honestly say that 6 years on I don't give a second thought about my ex. In time you will probably move on, as will your kids, way easier than she will. Keep calm for your kids. The stormy waters will soon pass. I have a number of good friends that have been through this too. They have all survived, and are now a little wiser.

[Enabler]

Thanks Minspain, your support and encouragement are appreciated. The thing is, I KNOW that I will find happiness in the future with or without uBPDw. The thing is at the moment I just want things to calm down so we can resolve the situation. I understand we both have our own truth which is based on our own perceptions of reality. I trust my version of reality and have accepted my failures and working on correcting them. I have islands of provable truth supported by evidence, truth that she does not accept as fact e.g. her history of self harm. I feels as though if she can accept history and even the present as it is rather than how she "feels" is it we can start to resolve some of the emotional brick walls between us... .primarily the one that says "You are abusive" and "I cannot compute how you are angry with me yet you say you love me". Unfortunately I am not in a position to enlighten her and she can only arrive at that destination on her own. She does not trust me as I am "Black"... .and why should OM "White" try and put her on the right reality path?

[Enabler]

So this weekends fun was "I told you in Mar that I wanted a divorce yet you're still here"... .yes, I am still here and no I am not going anywhere. Emotionally uBPDw may have moved on and she clearly has to her new ideal life partner but it's interesting to see how she thinks that I should be getting out of her way, doing what she feels should happen. I know I should know by now that it's all about her feelings and in her mind since she feels that I have been abusive (yet haven't beyond the normal realms of any reactive-non co-existence) I should move out and adhere to her plan. I'm not sure if this is a reflection of the fact that she doesn't see me as a person with feelings and thus should just do what I'm told or whether or not she feels that I have a moral obligation to move out since she feels, and therefore KNOWS, that I am abusive. She seems to resent the suggestion that I am staying to try and save out 16yr marriage and 20yr relationship. She believes that she has done everything humanly possible to save our marriage which from what I can see consists of identify the problems I have rather than tackle her own inability to control anger, passive aggressive behavior and general self/marital relationship destructive behaviors.

A couple of other things I have noticed is... .THE MASKS... .I've read a lot about the chameleon like nature of BPD's and I see it in action. In church she takes on a totally different persona being kind and gentle and caring towards me. I know there is a sense of guilt going on there and maybe the guilt was triggered by the OM sitting nearby, however it felt deep and genuine for those very moments we were in church together... .however, as soon as we arrive home the home mask is put back on, sentences get shorter, tone more aggressive. I am sure there is a sense of nervousness due to our current situation at home but there's just a feeling that if she could just be "that woman" all the time we could sort things out. It's so frustrating. I'm mind reading I know but I am sure she wants to feel like she is a good Christian woman and therefore behaves so in the house of god.

Another thing is the complete lack of perception of the chaos she creates for herself. Her perma state of victim. Yesterday was hilarious, supposed to be going away camping with the kids this morning at 7am so spent yesterday morning telling me and the kids that she has loads to organised and was in a massive hurry. After spending 2 hours coming back from Church after I left her there she then proceeds to go to the supermarket to get supplies. She returns 4.5hrs later having taken a small detour via a pub where OM and his biker friends were with our 2 eldest kids. She has the diner I needed to be cooking so we don't eat till 19:30 and then proceeds to shout at the kids because she has so much to do and they all need to go to bed! Why are you shouting at the kids for a situation you have yourself through your own inept choices created. Rational individuals sort the things they know they have to sort and then go and have fun... .or they work out whether or not they can feasibly achieve needs and wants. They certainly don't project their failure onto children. FWIW I rescued again offering to help her pack the car and get things out, I know I shouldn't but I just can't help myself... .Kind, Loving Caring... .it will literally be the death of me. She has no comprehension of her own dysfunctional behavior... .maybe because I haven't allowed her to experience the consequences of it.

[GBKayak]

Wow ... .significant similarities to my own experience ... .< 'gobsmacked'!

[Enabler]

Haven't posted in a while... .still no legal proceedings... .yet!

THE MASKS again... .so we go on holiday, it's a bit weird with me going for a bit with the kids then uBPDw coming a week later, a few days handover and then her for another week. Whilst we were away everything was very pleasant and kind, there was genuine connection and civil communication. I'm guessing this is because she needed me at the time. However, when I picked he up from the airport everything changed, the viper was back. Pretty much ignored me since she arrived home and spent the weekend drinking and going out. It's such a shame that someone isn't able to keep the same face on home and away, as though they have to put their war paint on to go into battle with you and not only be venomous towards you but be seen to be venomous towards you.

A weird and completely pointless lie:

uBPDw comes back from afternoon at the pub Sunday evening
uBPDw - Going to church in 15 mins
Me -  Are you getting a lift
uBPDw - Noo, hu... .I've only had one glass of wine
Me- Oh, you seem like you've had a few and you're sluring your words... .odd
uBPDw - Can I take your car?
Me - Sure
uBPDw - I haven't got much mobile battery left so if you don't hear from me don't worry
Me - What are you planning? Are you intending to go out after church for a drink?
uBPDw - I never plan anything, it depends who's there.

Later I receive a txt from her telling me she's going for a drink     

I'm a little suspicious that she is actually meeting OM at the pub at the end of our road so I go out the house and walk the 100m down the road to the pub on the corner, sure enough my car is in the car park. I peer into the pub windows to see if anyone is in there and no sign of OM or Her. So... .she must have weirdly wanted to save the shame of having to admit that a) she was drunk b) she was getting a lift to church with OM c) her and OM weren't even going to church at all and were going "elsewhere". I was half tempted to go and get my spare car keys and move the car back to the driveway. I mean really how stupid does she think I am? No one answer that pls. It's times like this I want to have her followed to find out the truth and make fantasy/reality collide.

Is it that she believes that if I don't know she is breaching the advice of the 4x groups of Christians who have expressly told her and OM not to spend time together then she also doesn't have to deal with the emotional guilt and shame of the situation she is herself creating for herself, her family and me. She is very aware of the pain she is causing but I feel somehow she wants to justify to herself that she is "doing the right thing" and certainly not "doing anything wrong".

To use something from anythingtostopthepain

• If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living. Therefore, admitting I am wrong — or that I did something to hurt someone — feels just like committing suicide. I don’t want to die, so I can’t acknowledge that I am wrong. Even to the judges inside me.
  I am wrong means I AM wrong. It’s not about what I did; it’s about who I am as a person. This is also true of other people. If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable. If I do/did something wrong, I am broken.
  I am constantly being judged by people who don’t understand my situation. Including myself. And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death.