Signs of Hope/Progress?

[ToddRK]

After speaking with the psychiatrist who is treating my adult daughter,  I developed a program for her that she,  begrudgingly,  initiated about 2 months ago.  My daughter is a lower functioning BP,  and the child of a higher functioning, alcoholic BP mother.  They have a toxic co-dependent relationship.  

My daughter's history is checkered.  She is a recovering heroin addict, her friendships are revolving doors at best,  she went to jail twice for probation violations and DWI.  She had some college credits under her belt,  but seemed unwilling to finish an Associates degree,  preferring to hold off for a BA.  Given the time limits to finish a degree once started,  I knew that this was a classic case of self sabotage.  She did have a problem with academic probation due to the number of courses that she started,  but failed to complete.  I wanted her to pay for her education,  to make sure that she had skin in the game,  making dropping courses much more difficult.  In the end,  I paid her tuition.

Her past has made it very difficult for her to find a job and I refused to let her stay with me until she could prove to me that she was ready to take the appropriate steps to get her life in order.  The program I laid out was that she get a PT job, continue her therapy, and get back to school and finish her degree.  I promised her that if she were to take these steps,  her anxiety would diminish and that she would be better prepared to fight off those negative feelings.  I based my assertion on the idea that when doubts arose,  she had no defense against them.  Being productive,  making clear progress towards recovery and being more self sufficient would leave her little time to entertain anxious thoughts and feelings.  

So,  where are the signs of hope/progress? This week,  she received her grades. They were good enough that she is now off of academic probation and qualifies for financial aid.   She is working and getting more hours due to her good efforts.  More importantly,  when she heard  some completely inappropriate comments from her mom this past week,  she was able to shrug them off without giving them a second thought.  She said that as recently as a month ago,  the same comments would have been devastating.  Now,  she simply doesn't have time to waste on such obvious nonsense.  Her defenses are up,  she is showing progress and finally has some traction.  She sees a clear path to a degree and is anxious to start the new semester so that she can finish this degree and move into her new life.  

My takeaway is that firmness,  consistency and an awful lot of patience is required.  The program I laid out is nothing that I haven't advocated in the past,  but the time was ripe and I think that was the key. She's seen it a thousand times,  but this time she was boxed in and was willing to try it.  And,  it worked.  While I have been tempted to walk away many times,  I knew it was important to remain in the game.  

My concern now is that she will regress. I've seen it before and would not be shocked to experience it again.  But,  there is tangible progress and,  for now,  I'll take it and run with it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Todd,
It's so nice to hear some good progress is being made by your daughter!

We are in the difficult position of trying to enforce/set some more definite boundaries for our 18 yo daughter.  She has been hospitalized 3 times in the last year for being suicidal, so it makes things even more difficult. 

Do you have any tips for setting the boundaries like you did?  What backlash did you see? 

All the best for continued progress for your daughter! 
1hope

[wendydarling]

Hi ToddRK and welcome

Thanks for sharing your journey with us, you’ve had a tough time and stuck with your daughter (she’s sticking to you in a good way!) remained in the game, boundaries and goals work, I’m delighted you are seeing progress you’ve both been through a lot! I’m a firm believer there is hope, I’ll never give up, why should I. 

A change of our approach works when we feel stuck, our children certainly benefit, they change, seen it. As parents we are leaders, working through requires immense patience as you say and this can be overwhelming in times of crisis, we can get there if we put in the work to change ourselves, helps them, your DD is responding. Our situations here while similar are unique and that’s what we are working from, I believe working from our baseline is key to progress. Congratulations to your DD on her grades, she’s come far. My 29DD graduated, worked and hit crisis at 27, it’s been a journey for sure. She's just departed for her last one to one DBT therapy session (12 months), we embraced, big hugs. These last two years I have learnt who my DD is, her struggles, her limitations, where I need to take the foot off the peddle, always ensuring she takes on responsibility for herself, her recovery while she knows she has support and guidance when she needs it, like any human being. 

My concern now is that she will regress. I've seen it before and would not be shocked to experience it again.  But,  there is tangible progress and,  for now,  I'll take it and run with it.

We all relate with you here, regress, one step forwards, two back, three forwards... gulp moments, I reached out for support at these times and received wonderful support from members, I was fearful all would be lost, it was not, what I needed was someone understanding, keeping my faith and hope going.

What I have learnt is this is my journey, small gentle steps work (and lots of learning here) Rome was not built in a day, even though my DD expects it of herself, no pressure.

More than anything I have learnt my daughters need to be heard and understood, by me, family, friends, society… accepted, embraced and supported for who she is and her journey forwards, which is hers.

I look forward to reading your posts. We are here to support you moving forwards.  Do you have support from friends, family?

Onwards we go ... . 

WDx 

[ToddRK]

1Hope,

Sorry to hear about your travails with your daughter.  Trite as it may sound,  I feel your pain.  I want to make it clear that I am not declaring victory,  we still have a long way to go.  She had a few meltdowns recently,  but was able to pull herself together relatively quickly. 

I spoke with my daughter,  giving her a pep talk about her progress.  I reminded her that the path that has been working well for her is nothing new,  but the same ideas that I had been espousing to her for a few years now. Her reply,  which deserves an A for honesty,  was "I wasn't ready."  For me,  the answer is patience,  consistency,  and willingness to not let the setbacks devastate you,  or even discourage you.  You know what's right,  you just need to keep fighting the good fight and hope for the best. 

Admittedly,  you are dealing with a suicide situation.  That's very different from what I've been facing and my heart goes out to you.  What really helped me was speaking directly to her psychiatrist,  running my thoughts about my role by him,  and letting him confirm or correct my thinking and tactics. Working together with her mental health professional is probably the best way to make sure that your daughter is getting the best,  but also the most consistent direction. 

Last week,  my daughter had a bit of a meltdown when her new class was not going well.  It really helped to be able to point out to her a recent success.  It helped her calm down knowing that she can work her way out of problems.  I helped her think through her issue and steps she could take to work her way out of her situation.  She was able to get out of the class and transfer into another one that is better suited to her.  Afterwards, when the dust had settled,  I used it as a teaching moment.  I pointed out to her that,  as is usually the case,  the problem is never anywhere near as bad as she fears and that there is usually a fairly simple solution.  The trick for her is to keep her wits about her and think it through.  My goal here was to prepare her for the next time. It's almost like a LaMaze class for pregnant couples.  The techniques are good,  but the real benefit is to give them some sense of control in an otherwise terrifying situation. 

Sorry for the delay in responding to you.  I had not gotten any responses from earlier posts other than the moderators,  so I wasn't sure anyone was paying attention.  Hope this response helps.  PS,  good luck and hang in there.  Be the adult!