Part of my issue with setting boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD.  She tends to 'act out' only with those close to her - mainly me - and on herself, of course.  Now that we are two years into this journey with her, I can definitely see that one of the keys to us surviving through this journey is for me to be consistent with the boundaries that I set with her.

Part of my issue with setting boundaries is deciding 'when' is the time to say 'enough is enough' in conversations and refusing to keep engaging.  With my daughter, a lot of her acting out starts in the form of small comments - irritability towards me ("do you have to breathe so loud"?) and progresses from there.  Inevitably, when I do tell her that is 'enough' she immediately goes into a circle of "see you don't love me, nobody loves me", etc or - as she often does - she focuses on self-harm and gets lost down that hole.

I often look back on our conversations and think "should I have said something sooner?" since she often uses treating me horribly as an unhealthy coping mechanism.  

I realize that she is the one that needs to change that pattern, and that along with that I need to do my part by calling her on it and letting her know that I will not let her abuse me that way.  My problem is that I can't often see that point of when I should say something until I realize it has gone on too long.  

Any advice?

[bpdmom99]

My 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD.  She tends to 'act out' only with those close to her - mainly me - and on herself, of course.  Now that we are two years into this journey with her, I can definitely see that one of the keys to us surviving through this journey is for me to be consistent with the boundaries that I set with her.

Part of my issue with setting boundaries is deciding 'when' is the time to say 'enough is enough' in conversations and refusing to keep engaging.  With my daughter, a lot of her acting out starts in the form of small comments - irritability towards me ("do you have to breathe so loud"?) and progresses from there.  Inevitably, when I do tell her that is 'enough' she immediately goes into a circle of "see you don't love me, nobody loves me", etc or - as she often does - she focuses on self-harm and gets lost down that hole.

I often look back on our conversations and think "should I have said something sooner?" since she often uses treating me horribly as an unhealthy coping mechanism.  

I realize that she is the one that needs to change that pattern, and that along with that I need to do my part by calling her on it and letting her know that I will not let her abuse me that way.  My problem is that I can't often see that point of when I should say something until I realize it has gone on too long.  

Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hm I think others here can say it better, but something on the order of

'I understand you're upset/annoyed/feeling bad about something and my breathing is bothering you because of something else, BUT I don't accept being talked to that way so I'm going to go out now.  I'll be back in about a half hour.'

Something that disengages you, validates, sets the boundary and your right to be treated kindly, and isn't too threatening of abandonment.   Or whatever boundary makes you feel ok, while not escalating.

I have so been there with the 'you don't love me' spiral!  The pain your daughter feels is real, but that spiral is so hard to deal with!